I think Justin Bieber is making me depressed

Most of my friends know that I have developed a major crush on Justin Bieber over the last year.  I know what you're saying to yourself "Deb, Justin Bieber?  You can't be serious."  I know, I know, I never expected this to happen either.  I'm older than his mother for goodness sake!  So let me tell you how this happened...

The year was 2015.  He had just released a new single, Where Are U Now, and I fell in love with it.  At first I was all, "This is Justin Bieber?  No way this is Justin Bieber.  This song is awesome!"  But it was.  So then he started doing A LOT of press to get back in the spotlight since he had an album coming out later in the year.  I saw him on Carpool Karaoke with James Corden.  And I was all, "Holy cow, Justin Bieber is, like, looking really grown up.  And he's actually SUPER CUTE!"  And not just an adorable face but I thought his personality was SUPER cute too.  I KNOW,,, like, who knew?  Now, JB's always been a good looking kid.  I mean, I've never looked at him and said, damn that is one NON-good looking kid.  But he was always just that, a KID.  He was perpetually 14 yo in my mind.

Then, I checked out his Men's Health Magazine spread.  And I was all, "OMG, is this for real?  This is what Justin Bieber looks like now?"  D.Y.I.N.G.... I mean, damn, he's looking good!  And, I'm not even gonna lie... the TATTOOS!!!  OMG, loving the tattoos!!  I read the article and various other ones about him throughout the year.  And I think I just really started connecting more on a personal level at this point.  He talked a lot about how hard it is to be so super famous and how isolating it can be (I know, boo hoo!!).  How he battles depression and ADHD.  And, you know, just other stuff.

When him and Jimmy Fallon go head to head on different games to see who is better, it's hysterical!

So, by this point, he has more new music on the radio and I'm loving every song that comes out.  Then, he does a sequel to the Carpool Karaoke with James Corden and it's ridiculously adorable.  I've bought his latest album, totally got Jillian into it.  Sing every word to every song.  Follow him on Facebook. Love all his photos in his #mycalvins.  Have watched his movies with Jill.  Ugh, just full blown crush.

Where I used to find him immature and disrespectful and, quite honestly, just indifferent to him altogether, now I just find him a little awkward and goofy and funny and totally able to just laugh at himself and completely adorable.  I KNOW.  STOP.  JUST STOP judging me right now.

But all this doesn't exactly explain how he is making me depressed.  So, in time, I realized my crush on him is actually more than skin deep.  Part of what I am totally crushing on is his actual LIFE.  His YOUTH.  The way he is living all his dreams and destiny.  Doing whatever the hell he wants to do!  I didn't exactly do that with my youth.  And I think I'm just a little sad about it.  I've never wanted to be famous or make tons of money.  But I did have dreams and desires as a young person that I never pursued.  I moved out of my parents house at a pretty young age and had to work to support myself from thereon out.  To me, that was the most important thing.  Living on my own and by my own rules.  All my dreams and aspirations fell by the wayside when I just didn't have the time or the means to make them happen.  I had to work.  And there were so many distractions.  And the time just went so fast.  And I just never really got back on track.  Now, don't get me wrong, I had a TON of fun in my youth.  I partied a lot, traveled a little.  Made life long friends.  And I know, that is more than a lot of people can say they did with their youth.  But now, in my 40's, I can't help but wonder how different my path would've been if I did all those things I WANTED to do.  Not just what I NEEDED to do.  And what exactly is my destiny?  Am I currently living it?  Or did I miss out on it?  If I knew at 20 how I would feel at 40, I probably would've done it differently.

There are a lot of young people out there living their destiny right now so I'm not quite sure why I have equated all this to just Justin Bieber.  OK, fine, I know.  It's the tattoos.  It's definitely the tattoos.  And I'm not sorry about it!

Another last day of school post!

How does this day keep coming every year?!  This year, it's the end of 7th and 4th grades.  They have changed so much this school year:

First day:

Last day:

Liam is more than halfway through middle school already.  Jillian only has one year left in her school.  It's all just going way too fast.  Jill asked me the other day "do you miss when we were little babies?"  Yes.  Yes I do, Jill.

Jupiter Inlet Lighthouse

I visited this lighthouse in July 2015.  I KNOW, it's been a very long time since I've blogged!!  Anyway, this is a really beautiful lighthouse on very beautiful grounds.  I climbed all the way to the top and the views of Jupiter Inlet are breathtaking!

Will probably go back again this summer!

Body Image

Liam is really starting to notice his body lately.  He makes comments like "when am I going to get my growth spurt?".  He asks me questions all the time like "what's a good exercise for your pecs?"  Or, "how do I get a 6 pack?"  He's 12.  He's definitely at the stage of body awareness.  He's put on quite a few pounds in the last year but hasn't quite sprouted upwards.  He's got a little pudgy belly going.  He'll look in the mirror and squeeze it into a dimply mass and say "look how fat I am.  This is so ugly."  The other night at the dinner table, he was so discouraged that he hasn't been seeing a lot of results with the exercising he's been doing lately and stated, "I'm just going to stop eating".  I know he meant this statement very innocently but those words literally slapped me right across the face when he said them.  How can my perfect little angel not see how beautiful he is?

I tell him things like, he is beautiful and exactly the way he was meant to be.  That his body is just starting to go through the stages of becoming a grown up body.  It will have many different looks over the next few years.  I tell him that not eating at all is NOT HEALTHY!  And he should never ever do that.  Instead, I try to explain/show him how he can start making positive changes in his body.  Give up the sugar.  Get off the couch.  I tell him to never talk down to himself.  Never speak to himself, in a way he wouldn't talk to me.  I said, "Liam, would you ever tell me that I'm ugly or that my body is fat and ugly?".  He said, no.  I said, "well, then never say those things to yourself."  But I know from experience that other people's words won't change his thinking.  Only he can.

I remember being in high school and thinking that I was so fat I NEEDED to lose weight.  I made my self a weight loss shake every morning before school.  I was 120 pounds.  My parents, and no one else really, just couldn't understand!  But I had convinced myself, and nobody could convince me otherwise. 

I know we all like to think that it's girls that suffer from poor body image.  But boys do too.  It's a very real thing.  It's not even a gender thing, quite honestly.  It's a human thing.  I don't know why that voice in our head that tells ourselves we're fat or ugly or wrinkly or unworthy of love isn't wired to tell us that we're beautiful or perfect or unique or worthy instead.  We are the only ones that have the power to MAKE that voice tell ourselves those things.  But I don't think there is a human on Earth that at one point hasn't suffered through some poor body image.  So I know this is totally normal.  But as in all situations of being a mother, I want to take that all away from my children.  I don't ever want them to be scared or insecure or experience pain.  But it is the human experience to experience all of these things.  I guess the best thing I can do is just be there to hold their hands and just let them know how perfectly beautiful I see them.

The School Bus

Another first day of school!  I can't believe how grown up these kids are.

Now, you may notice Liam's face is less than thrilled.  The kid didn't blink an eye at the thought of entering 6th grade until we actually got to the school.  Then there was a major awakening that "holy shit, this just got real!"  Joe and I dropped him off together.  The school is so big and there were so many kids.  It was overwhelming.  But by the time we walked around a bit and figured out where his classes were and where he had to pick up the bus home he was doing much better.  Which leads me to the title of this post, THE SCHOOL BUS!  A few weeks ago I was absolutely freaking out about the idea that Liam was MOST LIKELY going to have to take the bus.  I've mentioned here before that I am TERRIFIED at the thought of "the school bus".  So, in all my freaking out, I thought to myself "maybe I should just ask Liam if he's ok with this".  So I ask him, "Liam, how would you feel if you had to take the school bus everyday?"  He says, "I don't care."  Ha.  So I realized, the "school bus" is MY fear, not his fear.  So we're giving it a try.  First day, so far so good.

So, first day of school was a success!

Hillsboro Inlet Lighthouse

I've been to this lighthouse twice this year.  It's a lot of fun.  You have to take a ferry from Pompano to get to the island.  Otherwise, it is only accessible via private boat.  This lighthouse has 175 steps and the tour guides claim that this is the brightest lighthouse in the world!  Although, I'm seeing conflicting information on that when I google it.  If it's not the brightest in the world, it is definitely the brightest in Florida!  It has absolutely beautiful 360 degree views from the top.

They have a statue of the barefoot mailman.  You can read what that's all about, here.

Cape Florida Lighthouse

I took the kids to Bill Baggs State Park over the weekend.  My first lighthouse post!  Unfortunately, the lighthouse was closed so we didn't get to climb to the top and see the beautiful views of Key Biscayne.

But we did wonder what a light keeper's life was like back in the 1800's.

And we contemplated life.

And hunted sea snails.

The thing I like about the location of this lighthouse is that you can get a great view of the light house from every angle.  There are 109 stairs to get to the top and you can even go right into the actual lens.  Very cool!