So lonely

I'm going nuts people.  I am so lonely.  I thought I was lonely all those months when I was laying in bed next to a husband that was a million miles away.  But at least someone was laying there.  But coming home and cooking for just me and the kids, watching TV alone every night, going to bed by myself every night.  Every time I have a little thought or complaint or observation there is no one to share it with.  Now this is lonely.  I tell myself things like "well you better get used to it.  it's going to be worse then this when he leaves you".  I try to push thoughts like that out of my head.  But sometimes I feel like I need to be preparing myself for the inevitable.  Some days I think to myself "there is no way that he will leave and break up our family.  I know he won't just give up that easily.  He loves us too much".  But other days I swear he has one foot out the door and he just won't tell me.

Everyday is an emotional roller coaster of optimism, fear, sadness, guilt, paranoia, loneliness.  And probably five more that I haven't listed.  And sometimes the whole range of emotions happens in about a 20 minute span.  From one minute to the next, I'm fine, then I'm crying.  I'm optimistic, then I'm convinced that he's going to leave me without warning.

I'm trying to play by his rules.  But I'm going crazy.  I have a gazillion thoughts/questions/emotions and I can't talk to him about it.  You see, Joe doesn't exactly believe in communication.  He doesn't talk about anything and doesn't think that talking fixes anything.  At least when you're in the head of the other person you know what's going on and you can deal and cope.  But when you have no idea where the other person is in their head you can't help but always think the worst in every situation.  The mere statement "I'm going to happy hour this Friday" has me thinking he's running off with another woman and I'll never see him again.  He'll stop giving me money to pay the bills and support the kids, we'll be destitute, we'll lose the house.  It's fucking crazy I know.  I.know!  In my head I'm thinking:  Well, why?  With who?  Who's going to be there?  When are you going to be home?  But outwardly, I say "OK".  Because I'm not allowed to be part of his life right now.  I'm giving him the space he asked for.  When you're secure in your relationship you don't have thoughts like this.  But when you're not it's the only kind of thoughts you have.  Now my logical side knows this is just crazy and is not really going to happen.  But my insecure side says this is totally logical and can totally happen.

Joe told me at the beginning of the separation that I needed to "hang out with my friends more".  And that he "wanted to live his own life for a while".  This is a hard pill for me to swallow because I haven't lived my own life for 12 years.

It's as if there is a picture of Joe and I and I am being cut out of it.  From my point of view it seems like he is just moving on with his life so easily.  Moving on, yet still tied to a comfortable married lifestyle.  Having his cake and eating it too, if you will.  Happy hour every weekend.  His 5k races almost every weekend.  Still gets to see his kids everyday.  Come home to comfortable home.  At first, I was hanging out with friends more.  Going to bars more.  Drinking more.  But I realize that I don't really want any of that.  I don't need any of that.  I don't want to spend more time away from my kids.  I just want to be with my family.  I'm not ashamed to admit that.  I won't feel bad for that.  I wonder if he has moved past those feelings and now wants to live a "funner" life.  One that does not involve sitting home with a wife and kids every night and weekend doing the same old boring stuff.

He is waiting for a "sign" that we "were meant for each other".  A sign from who or what you ask?  Yeah, I wonder that too.  The easter bunny, perhaps?  I'm not trying to mock but I just don't get it.  My fate rests in the hands of an unseen force and that's frustrating.  This makes me think that Joe is actually struggling with whether or not he wants to be with me at all.    This puts me in a panic because that's not my struggle at all.  My struggle is figuring out how I am going to make long lasting positive changes within myself to stop alienating, rejecting and deflating my husband.  I don't think that hanging out with my friends getting drunk every weekend is going to help me figure that out.


Sometimes I wonder if I'm being desperate.  Am I trying to hang on to a relationship that just doesn't work?  Am I trying to hang on to a man that just doesn't want me anymore?  I don't know.  I don't know how you know.  What I do know is that I have never had the thought that I want  to live my life without Joe.  That my life would be better without him.  That's my gauge.  That's how I know that I'm not ready to give up.  I don't need a sign from anyone or anything to know that.  I just want us to be happy again.  I feel like the day I say to myself that I think my life would be better off without him then that's the day I know it's over.

Through all this panic and loneliness and uncertainty I try to keep a smile on my face and a positive attitude that things will work out the way they are supposed to.  There's nothing I can do to change my fate.  Because, really, it is GREAT to be alive.  I have to remember that every day.  Even in tough times, I am truly blessed in life.  Although, there are those moments when I see someone happy in love or someone boasting how fabulous their relationship is and I just want to punch them in the face.  But I don't because I know that I can't be bitter and I have no right to ruin someone else's happiness.  And deep down I'm just jealous that it's not me.  I want to be the person that someone else wants to punch in the face.  Ha ha.

Our 8th anniversary is in 4 weeks.  At this time Joe says we'll "go on a date" and see where we stand.  Should I be "auditioning" for him?  Be on my very best behavior to convince him I'm the one?  By this time it will be well over 4 mos that we've been out with each other.  Of course, I have a whole fantasy in my head about how this is going to go.  But, we all know about ruined plans, don't we?

I know this post is over the top emotional, please don't post comments.  I don't want everyone feeling so sorry for me.  I'm trucking along as usual.  It is GREAT to be alive.  I'm just trying to get these deep dark thoughts out of my head.  They are literally weighing on me like a ton of bricks.