The separation

After 12 years of being together and almost 8 years of marriage, Joe and I have decided to separate.  Well we have actually been separated for 3 weeks now.  I know some of you reading this are quite shocked to read that.  Please do not pick up your phone and call me.  Keep reading.

Our current situation is that we are still living in our house but in different bedrooms.  We feel this separation is essential for us to evaluate our relationship and try to make our way back to each other instead of just calling it quits.  Joe and I take very seriously that we are potentially breaking up our family and are trying to avoid that at all costs.

Joe and I have been struggling with the same issues for quite some years now.  Literally, every fight we had would be the same exact complaints on both our parts.  It's like listening to a broken record.  We would always work on these certain issues and things would get better for a few weeks.  But then we would slip right back to where we were.  Wondering how we got there.  Not communicating.  Showing no affection or even a shred of respect for each other.  It used to be so easy.  Just being together.  Being happy.  Being in love.  But things are just so hard now.  It's such hard work for us to even say thank you to each other anymore.  But I wouldn't say there was hatred present.  More like resentment.  Constant resentment of what the other was doing, or not doing.  What does this mean?  Does this mean we're not in love anymore?  Does this mean we need a break from each other?  Does this mean we should just put each other out of our miseries?  I don't know.  He doesn't know.  For now, we are trying to figure that out.

I'm not going to go into our exact issues but rather I will be writing about the actual process of our separation.  From my perspective, of course.  I don't want to play the blame game.  Mostly because I'm just as much to blame for the state of our relationship.  I would love to say it's all his fault but I can't do that.

At first, the absolute hardest part for me was having to change what my idea of what our family was.  When I think of my life I think of us being married, living in our house, having the kids go to the same schools forever.  Then all of a sudden the thoughts of possibly having to leave our house, move into an apartment with the kids, possibly having to change their schools, leaving their friends who live right next door.  And having to do this all by myself.  I mean, the thought of my kids waking up every morning and not seeing daddy just kills me.  I literally have tears in my eyes just writing that.  It was all so much.  I was absolutely terrified just at the thoughts.  My world was flipped upside down overnight.  I didn't sleep for days.  I went to work with my eyes almost puffed closed from crying half the night.  I just wanted it all to go away.  I wanted to go back to the time when we were happy and optimistic about our future together.  But how do we get back there?  Is it possible to get back there?

Like a lot of long term couples I guess we just got used to being unhappy together.  We both recognized it but neither of us would say anything.  But in the long run we don't want to raise our kids in an unhappy environment.  That's not the example we want to set for our kids.  I truly believe that it would be healthier for our kids to deal with our break up rather then live their entire childhoods in a household where we hate each other.  Coldness, bitterness and resentment do not make happy kids.  And, honestly, I owe it to myself to be happy in life.  And so does he.  And if we don't make each other happy then we shouldn't be together.  You only have one life.  You can't live it miserably.

I've had to look a lot at myself and try to find where I can change.  How can I make this better?  How can I be a better wife?  And unfortunately, I found a lot of ways.  I just don't know if I'll get the chance to put my new found realizations into action.  I can't focus my energies on how to make Joe better and change his behaviors.  Only he can do that for himself.  (I learned that from Dr. Phil, ha)  It kind of sucks when you realize that one of your own behaviors is one that is making you the most unhappiest.  It's like you have to admit to yourself that something you've been doing for a long time is the wrong way.  And nobody likes to be wrong.

When I try to put this into perspective I keep coming back to the old cliche, you don't know what you got til it's gone.  I'm leaning towards the ending where we find our way back to each other and we both can truly recognize how close we were to losing it all and have a new found appreciation for each other.  But sometimes that only happens in fairytales.

Please don't post the comment "all marriages have their problems, keep your head up".  This is the first time we have actually separated but this is not the first time we've "given it another chance."  I think this may be our last chance.

Be honest

Who is your cheesiest guilty pleasure musical artist?  You know, the one that you're embarrassed to admit that you like because they're so bad.  Mine is Phil Collins.  No, not the awesome band he was once in called Genesis.  But Phil Collins and all his cheesy love ballads.  I can never pass up a corny love song.  I actually LOVE his cover of Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors" and own it on CD.

Scenes from an Office: Free Breakfast day

My company caters breakfast once a month.  For its employees.  Not its employees and their families.  But there is always that handful of people that think this food is free for the taking.  Pun intended.

Now, in my opinion*, it is rude and greedy to be in line at 830 am and grabbing an extra one or two bagels or cookies to bring home for the family "later" knowing that half the company isn't even in yet to get their food.  There could potentially be an employee that doesn't get their once-a-month free breakfast because you are bringing food home for your family.  And that annoys the crap out of me.

How do I know that they're bringing food home for their family and they're not actually going to eat the 3 bagels, 2 cookies and 4 Krispy Kremes on their plate, you may be wondering?  Because some people have just come out and told me.  Once I saw a woman walking out with an overflowing plate.  So of course I had to make the obligatory joke/comment "Are you really going to eat all that?"  Her reply, "Oh, the cookies are for my son, he just loves them!"  Really?  And btw, her son is like 16.  Not some cutey patootey toddler that you can imagine eating chocolate chip cookies like he's the Cookie Monster.

It is perfectly acceptable to wait until breakfast is over then grab some leftovers.  Hell, I am always the first one in line for free leftovers!  And, yes, I have even brought home leftover catering food home to the fam.  One time they catered a lunch for us and there must have been 20 leftover pizzas in the kitchen so of course I grabbed one.  Who says no to free pizza?

What's your opinion?  Am I being too harsh here?

*This opinion is assuming the rude employee(s) is NOT homeless and NOT living on food stamps and is, indeed, a greedy individual.  If they are homeless and living on food stamps then this opinion is null and void.

First love.

Do you guys remember your first love?  I do.  I was about 12 years old.  I don't really remember how I met him.  I remember admiring him from afar for a long time.  He was "older".  I was a pest to him.

I was still living in NJ.  Everyone from my neighborhood hung out at the park by the basketball courts.  Technically he was from a neighboring neighborhood.  But once in a while him and his friends would come play basketball at our park.  When I would see him and his friends round the corner of the park my heart would just stop.  Sometimes to the point where I just had to leave.  Especially after I knew that someone (I don't really remember who) had told him I had a crush on him.  This was really the only time I ever saw him, at the park.  Like I said, he was older and we didn't go to the same school.  But he did literally live one block away from me but there was really no reason we would ever interact.

I don't know how but I got his phone number.  And I would actually build up the nerve to call him sometimes.  We kind of became friends.  He even called me once in a while.  This went on for a while and just when I thought it could actually become something my parents announced to my sister and I that we were moving to FL!  OMG, life was over.  I would never find another cute boy to like ever again!  For months, my heart ached just thinking we would never be anything.  I would be a thousand miles away.  There was one particular song on the radio at the time that expressed perfectly my heart ache of having to move away from the biggest crush of my young life.  I don't know the name or the artist but I heard it on the radio the other day and it brought me right back there.  I love how music does that.

After I moved to FL it was absolutely painful.  Literally, my body ached from missing him so much.  But seriously, I was 13 at this time.  What the heck did I know about being in love?  I wrote all over my school folders "I heart (name omitted to protect the innocent)"  After a few years we somehow became penpals.  We wrote to each other for years, getting to know each other.  He was in college, fell in love with a girl and they were going to live happily ever after.  I was 19 and an aimless high school dropout.  It just wasn't meant to be.  Then we stopped writing to each other.

But, of course, everything happens for a reason.  I think I turned out to be a pretty damn good catch.  Too bad he missed out.

Who was your first love?

A Letter to the Tooth Fairy

Dear Tooth Fairy,

I have a bone to pick with you.  Please explain to me why my daughter's tooth fell out on a Monday and you didn't show up until Thursday?  Two mornings in a row I had to see that heart broken little face that you didn't show up and put $1 under her pillow.  What's your deal lady?  I don't want to hear any lame excuses like you were laid up in the hospital or you were stuck in traffic or a billion other kids lost their tooth the same day.

Come on TF, a little girl is 5 only once in her life.  Please get your act together.  You're making me look bad.

Sincerely,
Jill's mom

Mom

BTW, today is the 8th anniversary of my mom's death.  RIP Mom.  You are missed everyday.  And not just by me.

The over-explainer

I was in Publix the other day and the cashier asks the woman in front of me "Would you like to donate a dollar to the Special Olympics today?"  "Oh, I was just here yesterday and I gave then."  What is the need for this explanation?  A simple "no thank you" would have sufficed.  Do you think the cashier even believes you?, I think to myself.  Do you think the cashier is judging you for not helping disabled people?  Do you think the cashier thinks that you hate disabled people?  I feel like when you try to over explain things it just makes you look unbelievable, insincere.

Now, I'm not talking about lying.  I'm talking about the too-much-explanation-in-your-answer answer.  When the cashier asked me if I'd like to donate a dollar to the Special Olympics I simply said "Not today, thank you."  Done.  No explanation given.  End of story.  No judgements.  Maybe I already donated that day or even that week.  She doesn't know and quite honestly she doesn't need to know.  It's her job to simply ask me the question not judge me for my answer.  I, personally, don't care if she thinks I hate disabled people.

Now, I will admit that once in a while when I get invited to do something I simply don't want to do my first reaction is usually to go into some overly explained story of why I cannot go or participate or whatever.  But then I think to myself "You're allowed to say NO just because you want to."  In my selfish thinking I really don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation in life.  Well that's not entirely true.  I answer to my husband and my children, that's about it.

Most people won't question you if you simply say "I'm not going to be able to make it to your sister's BFF's daughter's boyfriend's barmitzvah."  No reason given.  Especially someone that doesn't know you very well.  But if they do happen to have the nerve to ask you "Oh yeah, why not?" you can always tell them that it's your sister's BFF's daughter's boyfriend's barmitzvah the very same day.  What are the odds?