A different aura

Well, the countdown begins.  Joe moves out in one week from today.  ~~EXHALE~~  I am really dreading this day.  Time seems to be moving in slow motion.  We're both nervous.  Both scared.  Both get pits in our stomach thinking or talking about it.  Ugh.  For a while, I felt like this was going to be the end of my world.  But, the truth is, life will go on whether Joe is my husband or not.  I have two little human beings that depend on me for their very lives and I will continue to be the very best mom I can be.  Whether Joe is my husband or not.  And even though we haven't been together for a long time now Joes mere presence has been a safety net for me.

I literally feel like my aura is different lately.  When I walk outside it feels different.  Like me, in the big bad world without my safety net.  Me, all by myself.  It's weird.  But kind of good.  I have moved past most of my anger and confusion and fear that was the uncertainty of our relationship and I feel like I've moved into a place of calm and peace.  Now it's the future that I'm scared of.  Things are going to be the way they are supposed to be.  I have no control over the way things will work out.  I can't force anything to happen.  At this point, I'm just sitting back waiting for my fate to reveal itself.  But I guess that's what we're all doing in life.

The truth is, life is changing for Joe a lot more than it's changing for me.  I'm already used to working all day, picking up the kids from school, getting dinner ready and everyone fed, getting homework done, getting the kids bathed, getting them ready for bed, reading their bedtime stories.  Joe now has to learn to do all this, by himself.  That's tough.  I have to be sensitive to that.

When I'm home alone with the kids I find myself "pretending" that single mommyhood has begun.  "This is what it's going to be like", I tell myself.  I feel all proud of myself in a "I-can-do-this" kind of way.  But in reality, I still get comforted when I hear that garage door open and I know Joe is home.  I think this might be one of those situations in life where no matter how hard you try to mentally prepare yourself for a certain situation, NOTHING can actually prepare you for that situation.  Kind of like when you think you're "ready for the baby to come".  No you're not.  You think you are but you're not.  That first night of having no kids and not hearing the garage door open is going to be like a punch in the gut.  Besides the fact that I have never ever slept in my house all by myself before.  Ugh, anyone want to sleep over?