How can someone hate food so much?

I have never, in my life, witnessed someone with such a natural aversion to food other than Liam.  He hates food and he hates to eat.  Literally, since the day he was born he has been like this.  It's weird.  I remember our first day in the hospital together trying to feed him a bottle.  I was having a very difficult time feeding him so the nurses showed me all these little tips and tricks to get "baby" to eat.  I did them ALL.  He would never latch on longer than a few sucks, then right back to sleep.  After about 45 min of trying to feed him a nurse called from the nursery to check on how much he had eaten.  I was so excited to tell her "he drank 1/2 an oz (out of a 2 oz bottle) of the bottle!", she said "that's not a good feeding".  I said, "well it took me 45 min to get him to drink that much!"  Over the years, it hasn't gotten much better than that.  I would worry so much over his eating habits that I have actually cried over it.  I have literally put him to bed on a growling stomach before because he would just absolutely refuse to eat.  Ever.  There was one point when he was 5th percentile on the weight chart.  That means that 95% of children his age weighed more than him.  He's still at least 10 lbs under weight.  For the most part I have learned to just accept this about Liam, but it still freaks me out.

But there is also this strange phenomenon with him where he eats for other people!  I remember my dad babysitting him one night and me saying "well, you know how he is with eating.  If you could get him to eat anything I would be happy".  So I get home and my dad goes on to tell me he ate eggs and potatoes and whatever else.  I cocked my head and said "Liam?  Liam ate all that?"  All foods I have made him before that he would never touch.  But all of this was mostly when he was younger.  He's gotten a little bit better since he's gotten older.  At least now he will mostly try new foods.  But in most situations he first reaction to food or mealtime is NO!  It really takes a lot of coaxing to get him in an eating mindset.

A lot of mealtimes turn into a big struggle with him.  There are times he approaches near meltdown stage when faced with the fact that he has to eat.  Especially, I notice, when you suggest going OUT to eat with him.  It starts with whining about how he doesn't want to stop whatever it is he is doing to go.  Then there's always lots of discussion about where or what we'll be eating.  That's almost always an issue.  The other day I wanted to take them out for tacos so I told him we were going to Tijuana Flats.  Right away the "I don't want tacos!  I don't want to go out to eat!" started.  (I know he likes tacos just fine.  It's not like I'm trying to force him to eat something he doesn't like!)  Pissy face and attitude the WHOLE time in the car.  "I'm not eating tacos!  I only want nachos!"  Fine, I order him nachos.  But of course they're not the right kind of nachos he wants.  So whining and complaining starts all over again.  After a few minutes of him getting himself into eating mode he notices how awesome my tacos look and says "I don't want these nachos.  I want a taco."  I just gave him an evil death stare.  There are definitely times when he just refuses to eat anything from a restaurant and will just sit there and wait until we get home to eat (or not).  I always wonder what the waitress thinks when I have to say "oh, he's not eating".  It is a literal feat when Liam actually finishes a meal.  It's a very rare thing.  A lot of times a white bread sandwich is too much food for him and he just can't finish it.

I tried the "making" him eat thing.  But that's very stressful for him (and for me).  I mean, who can eat when they're stressed and fighting with someone and down right pissed off?  (I know I can't!)  And, also, I just don't believe in it.  Liam has to listen to his body and what it is telling him.  (even when I don't understand it)  MAKING someone eat when they don't WANT to is pure torture.  And, honestly, I just don't have the follow through to stay on his ass for potentially hours to get him to finish ONE meal.  It never worked very well.  So now I just pull the "I'm not making you anything else to eat" and/or "If you don't eat your dinner you're not getting any junk food" card.  99% of the time that is just fine with him and he'll walk away.

I spent years catering to his food whims.  Making a separate meal just for him.  Bringing McDonalds into a restaurant so Joe and I could eat in peace (yes, we have really done that).  But I don't do that stuff anymore.  He's just getting too old for that.  It's unrealistic of me to keep up that ruse for him.  He has to make the decision for himself to start venturing out and trying new foods.  And if he doesn't, that's OK too.  Somehow what he does actually eat sustains his life.  He eats what I make or he doesn't eat.  Or he makes himself something.  That's our new rule.

I read in one of those baby books many years ago that as a parent it's your responsibility to offer your child a healthy and nutritious meal, NOT make them eat it.  Now, I actually try to live by that.  But Liam tries to give me the guilt trip when HE chooses not to eat.  "If I starve to death it will be YOUR fault!"  "No Liam, it will be YOUR fault.  I offered you food, YOU chose not to eat it."  And, yes, we have actually had that conversation.

I asked him the other day when he was being difficult about eating, "Liam, why do you hate eating so much?".  He said, "I don't know."  Not, "Mom, I don't hate eating" or "Mom, I just don't like this food", but instead, "I don't know".  So he knows.  It's an actual thing with him.

To me, eating is one of the most natural human instincts.  Like breathing and craving chicken wings.  This feeding your kids thing should be easy.  What's next?  Is he going to tell me he refuses to breathe!?

Jill's glasses

Jill has been wanting these hipster glasses since Christmas.  I wouldn't buy them for her because I thought they were ridiculous.  But then this happened:

 

I got glasses!  Just for reading.  Then she just HAD to have these:

How freaking cute is she in those glasses?  She even bought them with her own money.  They are a little big.  And that picture doesn't even do them justice.  She wears them ALL the time.  Even to school.  My little hipster.

Liam's first 5k!

On Feb. 3 Liam participated in his first 5k with Joe.

He came in 18th for his age group (males 10 and under).

Here is a video of him crossing the finish line.

GO LIAM!

My big boy

So Liam has a field trip coming up in March.  It's to St. Augustine, FL.  It's about a 5 hr school bus ride, each way.  They'll be leaving at 5:30 am and returning around 11 pm the same day.  And he's going ALL ALONE!  Well, without Joe or I, I mean.  Wow, his very first trip without either one of us.  I'm very nervous about it.  At first, I didn't want him to go unless Joe or I were able to chaperone.  But we couldn't.  And I don't want Liam to miss this opportunity because of my issues.  It sounds like a really awesome trip!  So, for the first time, Liam will be venturing out into the world without the guidance of family or friends.  It only gets worse from here, right?

Someone wants to be just like me.

Jill is really getting into a stage where she is starting to notice me/the things I do as a "woman".  Not just the Mom.  When she sees me getting ready to go out she wants me to put make up on her.  I tell her all the time she's too pretty for makeup.  When she sees I am wearing a new shirt she has to comment on it.  Usually inquiring why my boobs are hanging out of it.  Kidding (not really).  She goes ape shit for jewelry too.  Wants to wear every piece of my jewelry.

The other day I was getting ready to go out and she saw me putting on my makeup.  She says "Mommy, I want to be just like you when I grow up."  Heart melted.  She also said, "Mommy, I wish I looked more like you so that when people look at me they would say "wow, she's like a mini you"."  I swear to God she said that.  So funny.

I remember being so fascinated with my Mom too when I was young.  Her pretty dresses and her pretty shoes and her pretty hair styles.  "Mom, can I have this dress when I grow up?"  "Mom, can I cut my hair like yours when I grow up?"  Now Jill asks me those same exact things.  It's crazy to think that I am someone's role model.  Someone in this world wants to be just like ME!  It's nothing short of amazing.  So much responsibility!

I remember when I was pregnant with her (we didn't find out the sex until she was born) thinking that if I had another boy I would be totally happy with that.  But, honestly, it's so fucking awesome having a baby girl!  I would recommend it to anyone.

An Open Letter to My Kids

I love you guys more than words can ever express.  That's so cliche, I know.  But it's true.  You guys truly gave me purpose and direction in my life.  I didn't have much of that before you came along.  I want to give you guys everything important in life.  And I don't mean PSP's and brand new Jordans every 6 mos.  I mean, love and security and support.  I want to be a good role model for you to live up to. 

I want you to fill your lives with people who lift you up, who help you be better people.  Not people who bring you down and make you feel bad about yourselves.  Help other people be better people.  There is always room to be a better person.  I want you to always communicate openly and freely.  With everyone.  Wear your hearts on your sleeves.  Be compassionate and empathetic towards everyone you meet.  Empathy is so important in life.  Don't judge.  (That one is really hard!  But try.  Really hard.) 

Be humble.  Don't think you're better than other people because of the things you have.  Rather, try to be better than other people because of the way you are.  But don't think you're better than anyone.  Even though you may be.  It's snooty and judgy. 

Work hard for the things you have.  Don't let other people just give you everything.  Not even me.  You'll never appreciate anything that way.  Be responsible with your money.  It's a terrible feeling to be a slave to your debt.  Earning the things you have feels SO GOOD and NO ONE can ever take that away from you!

Travel the world.  Take the time when you're young to do this!  Be adventurous and experience other cultures.  Possibly, live in another country for a while.  Be a free spirit.  Live your lives for yourself.  No one else.  Not even me.  One of my few regrets in life is not traveling more when I was young and had the chance.

Mostly, I want you guys to be good people who are GOOD to other people.  Always try to be the best people you can be!  That will get you SO MUCH farther in life than anything else.  That's my belief anyway.

But most, MOST, of all, don't forget to love your Mom.  I won't be a perfect Mom.  Sometimes I'll yell.  Sometimes I'll get mad.  Sometimes I'll ground you for missing your curfew.  But, I promise, I will always try to be the best Mom I can be for you guys.  I love you with all of my soul and being.  Call me once in a while, won't ya?

And lastly, don't forget to wear your sunscreen.

Love,
Momma

End of school

I swear, I just can't believe it's the end of another school year.  Start of another summer break.  I officially have a 4th grader and a 1st grader.  It's amazing!

So proud of my kids.  They worked really hard this year.  3rd grade was a real struggle for Liam, but he passed!  4th grade will be even harder for him.  Hopefully, together, we'll get through it!  But I saw him mature so much this year.  He's an amazing kid!

Kindergarten was a breeze for Jill.  1st grade will probably be the same.  Can't believe what an awesome reader she's become.  She really likes school and really loves learning.  She's an amazing kid!

My Dad will be watching them most of the summer.  I'm a little nervous about it.  He's never watched the kids for that amount of time.  But, summer camp was just too expensive this year.  I'm sure he'll do fine.  Joe will be taking them to Maine for a week and I will be taking them to NJ for a week.  Yay, for visiting family!

I wish I had more time off and more money and could visit everyone this summer.  But I can't.  Actually, I wish I had the whole summer off.  But I don't.  But my house is open to anyone that wants to come visit us!  Feel free to invite yourself.  You know I would do the same ;)

Happy summer everyone!

No more braces!

After 13 mos, the braces finally come off!  Dang, this kid is handsome! But I feel I may be a little biased.

Jillian, my saving grace?

Remember that time when I complained about doing homework with my kids?  I'm realizing that doing homework with Jillian is like the EXACT OPPOSITE of doing homework with Liam.  Jill gets these pamphlets of homework that we work on all week then she hands in on Friday.  Each Thursday in the pamphlet is the Math portion.  Usually about 6 sheets from her Math book.  We usually have this done by Tuesday.  The girl LOVES to do homework.  When we come home from school she gets all her homework out and organizes it all in front of her "OK Mommy, what do we do tonight?"  As we're going through the Math sheets she saves the "fun" ones for last.  Yes, the "fun" ones.  This girl is a breeze (who thought I would/could ever say that about Jillian?).  I have actually thanked her before for being so easy to do homework with.  WOW, what a difference this makes.  She's so awesome.

Just last night, I argued with Liam for no less than 15 minutes to get ONE Math sheet and his word list done.  All that homework together probably took him about 10 min to do.  It's incredibly frustrating.

Funny enough, they both seem to really like Math.  Since K that has easily been Liam's strongest subject.  I always loved Math as well.  It just always came easily to me.  But don't ask me what year the Declaration of Independence was signed or ask me to point out Greece on a globe.  History and Geography, def not my strong suits.  But I guess that's what I have Google for now.

Is this just a difference between boys and girls?  I also want to give a shout out to the universe for making one thing about Jillian easy.  Thanks, I really needed that.

Karaoke, anyone?

So you know how sometimes you think you're going to do something with your kids and OMG, IT'S GOING TO BE SO AWESOME!  But then, in the way that kids do, they turn it to shit?  Yeah... that happened about 2 weeks ago.

We went to Best Buy to pick up a radio/cd player for Jill's birthday present from Grandpa.  So we walk past this display of Karaoke machines.  As I'm looking for a radio I want, the kids are playing on one of the karaoke machines.  After I pick out the radio I start thinking to myself "I think it would be a lot of fun to have one of these karaoke machines!  The kids would have a blast with it!"  SCORE - it's only $32 for the machine!  Then you have to buy special karaoke cd's.  They're about $13 a piece.  So I talk myself into this $50 investment for guaranteed hours of non stop fun.  I pick up a CD of karaoke songs from Katy Perry, Bruno Mars, Kesha and others.  Woohoo!  We are gonna sing our little hearts out.

So I get it home and it's easy peasey to hook up to the TV.  We are up and running in less than 10 min.  So on a rainy Saturday afternoon me and the kids are signing karaoke in our living room.  Jill went first, because, well because she's Jill (you all have met Jill, correct?).  So she sings a song that she knows very well.  But has a bit of stage fright so she just mumbles through most of it.  So now it's Liam's turn.  Which, of course, makes Jill cry.  Because Liam "made" her sing a song she didn't like and she wants another turn.  Too bad kid.  So Liam gets through his song.  Finally, MY turn!  I sing my little heart out to Katy Perry's Teenage Dream.  And I sound just as good as I do in the car!  OK, fine, some of my high notes made the kids' ears bleed  Except, much louder.  So, back to Jill.  I try to help her sing through her second song, she gets all mad at me.  Whatevs.  So I think we all took one more turn and then we were all kind of over it.  No one wanted to sing anymore.  So much for those hours of entertainment I thought this would provide. 

At this point, the kids are now just interested in talking into the machine.  Did I say talking?  I meant sssccccrrreeeaaammmiiiinnnnggggg into the machine.  Then Liam proceeds to put on a comedy routine.  Telling really bad jokes and laughing at them.  It was hysterical.  So throughout the day we put the machine on, we turn it off.  Liam does a few more comedy routines.  All the while, trying to watch any TV is impossible.  By evening, they are absolutely fighting over who's turn it is to "scream" into the machine.  I threaten to put the machine away if they can't stop with all this ridiculous arguing.  Apparently, they can't stop.  The machine has been in my closet ever since.

But I will definitely be breaking it out at our next card night!  Until then, I'll be working on my rendition of Teenage Dream, complete with dance moves!

First day of school!

First day of Kindergarten:

First day of 3rd grade:

So proud of my kiddos.

Mom Guilt

Every summer since Liam started school, I always have these grand plans of making sure we do lots of educational stuff over the summer so he doesn't "lose" what he's learned over the previous school year.  I even sign up for home school-type websites so him and Jill could complete lessons all summer long and get a head start on the school year.  And, in theory, it sounds like it should just be that easy.  Set him up in front of the computer to complete a lesson.  But then the complaining starts.  Then the whining.  I have to physically be sitting next to him in order for him to actually sit still and concentrate on what he's doing.  And then I get turned off to the whole idea.  Since Kindergarten, Liam and I have gotten into all out screaming matches over doing homework.  I HATE TRYING TO BE MY KIDS' TEACHER!  And I feel so guilty about it because I want to like being the one to work with them at home and feel so accomplished when I teach them something.  In my fantasy, it's all butterflies and rainbows.  I show/tell them something, and - BAM - they learn it!  But the fact is, I just don't.  I just do not have the patience for when they try to play dumb with me.  It sets me right off.

For instance, working with Liam for months on his math homework.  Then, he decides he just wants to be pissy and difficult about doing math homework.  So I ask him something simple like "OK Liam, after adding this column, which number do we carry over into the tens column?"  "Um, I don't know.  3?"  "Where did you get 3 from?  We've just done five equations just like this one and all of a sudden you don't know what 8+3 is?"  "I forget."  To me, this is "playing dumb" and I immediately go into a ballistic rage.  Sounds terrible, I know.

Trying to work with Jillian on her reading this summer.  One night, she starts reading this book and I was so impressed, I had no idea she knew so many words already.  So we read this same book a few nights in a row for practice.  So one night, she all of a sudden doesn't know any of the words.  We're reading the title and I say, "OK Jill, what is this word?"  Literally, she makes this sound that is not a letter or a word or even a combination of letters.  Just like a grunty type sound and, of course, she thinks this is just hysterical.  I say, "what?  Jill, what is this word?"  She makes the noise again.  I say, "Jill, you've read this word everyday for 3 days now.  What is this word?"  "I don't know."  I can't take it.  To me, this is "playing dumb".  I want to take the book, throw it across the room and scream at the top of my lungs.  We haven't read together since.

It's so very frustrating.  Maybe I take this "playing dumb" thing a little too seriously.  I mean, I understand that their little minds are still developing and that they work different from an adult's mind and that they  might *actually* forget how to read a certain word from one sentence to the next but it makes me crazy!  And I feel so guilty for not having more patience with them when it comes to teaching them.  I have actually made Liam cry from chastising him over his reading, especially in the beginning.  I hate knowing that I made my Liam cry and feel bad about himself so I apologize profusely.  I blame him, he blames me.  It's just a big vicious cycle.  So, in my mind, I would rather just not "go there" then have it end in a big fight where everyone is frustrated and discouraged and mad.

As a parent, you put a lot of pressure on yourself that you should LOVE to do and be everything to your kids.  But that's not very realistic.  I feel like I have so much patience in other areas with them.  (just dealing with Jillian and her high maintenance-ness on a daily basis is an act of sainthood, trust me)  Just not this one.  I guess all I can do is strive to be better the next time.  Half the battle is admitting you have a problem, right?

Bye bye summer...

OMG, can't believe summer is coming to an end.  At the beginning, it always seems SO LONG until school starts again.  Now, it's only 2 weeks away.  Today is Jill's official last day of daycare.  I have been paying for full time private daycare since March 2003.  8 1/2 years.

Next week my dad is watching the kids.  Ever since he moved in with his sister we hardly see him anymore.  I think I've seen him 3 times this entire year so far.  Ridiculous, I know, since he lives less than 30 min away.  So it will be nice for the kids to spend some time with him.

The following week I will be on vaca with them.  I'll be taking them to the Orlando area for a few days.  Doing non-Disney stuff.  I'm really looking forward to a few days alone with the kids to just chill and relax.

This is the time of year when someone hits the fast forward button on my life.  Liam has football 3x a week, school starts, my bday, Jill's bday, trip to the west coast for my niece's bday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Liam's bday, start of soccer, Christmas, New Year's.  And tons of stuff in between.  Busy, busy, busy.

Another half a year gone.  Another summer gone by.  Another gray hair on my head and wrinkle around my eyes.

What a trooper!

Liam has been so good through all this orthodontic stuff.  In December he got his "appliance" installed.  It's a device attached to his palate to widen the top jaw.  The day he got it installed he had this weird thing where he wouldn't swallow his saliva and he puffed his cheeks up like a puffer fish all day.  Aside from all the drooling and spitting he wouldn't eat or drink all day.  We kept explaining to him that he could just act like normal and reminded him to swallow and tried to get him to eat and drink all day.  But he just wouldn't.  The office had warned us that the device would probably make him produce extra saliva and I guess he was swallowing some of it since he woke up in the middle of the night and started vomiting straight saliva.  Poor kid.  The next day he went back to eating, drinking, and swallowing like normal.  He uses a special device to scoop out any trapped food inside of it.  He never once complained about anything.

In March, he had his top braces put on.  Everyone kept saying things like "oh, just wait until they adjust them, it hurts".  We have to use special little brushes to floss under the braces.  He never once complained about anything.

In July, he had 4 bottom molars pulled.  They never fully erupted and x-rays revealed they were fused to the bone and would most likely prevent his permanent teeth from coming out properly.  I watched the oral surgeon pull out all 4 teeth and nearly fainted no less than 3 times.  He was on gas and Novacaine and never felt a thing.  On the car ride home he was all groggy coming off the gas.  All of a sudden I just hear heaving coming from the back seat.  I look back and Liam has vomited all the blood he had been swallowing all over himself.  He was so groggy that he was just in a sitting position and had this bloody vomit dripping off his chin and down the front of his shirt.  It was a pleasant visual as I'm trying to drive home.  He could only eat soft foods and couldn't eat any candy or drink from a straw for 5 days.  The tooth fairy brought him $10 for all his troubles.  He never once complained about anything.

A few days ago, he got a spacer bar installed on the bottom row of teeth so that his teeth don't shift into the now empty areas where his molars used to be.  So far, he hasn't complained.

In 5 weeks he gets his bottom braces put on.  Literally every square inch of the kids mouth will have some sort of orthodontic device installed.  I keep telling him that one day all of this will be worth it.  I sure as heck hope so.

Will I ever be able to eat in peace again?

Scene:  At Home
Me:  "Liam, would you like some crackers?"
Liam:  "No thanks."
Me, opening package of crackers, ~~ crinkle, crinkle~~
Liam:  "Can I have one?"
Me:  "Sure, but didn't I just ask you if you wanted crackers?  Why didn't you tell me you wanted some?"
Liam:  "Well, I didn't know it was these crackers.  I like these crackers."  (takes two crackers)
Jill:  "Can I have one Mommy?"
Me:  "Sure, here you go, Jilly Jill."
Jill:  (drops cracker on floor)  "Can I have another one?"
Me:  "Here."
Me:  (hands Jill the rest of the package). ~~ confused look ~~

Scene:  At the Waterpark
Me:  "OK, let's go get some snacks.  Liam and Jill, what do you want?"
Liam:  "Ice cream!"
Jill:  "Ice cream!"
Me:  "I want an ICEE!"
(head back to our chairs)
Liam:  "Mommy, can I have some of your ICEE?"
Jill:  "Mommy, can I have some of your ICEE?"
(hands me back 1/2 gone ICEE)
Me:  "Guys, if you wanted an ICEE why didn't you just say you wanted an ICEE?  Now half my ICEE is gone."
Liam:  "I thought an ICEE was ice cream."
Me:  ~~ confused look ~~

Scene:  At a Restaurant
(soup that I order comes to table)
Jill:  "Mommy, can I taste your soup?"
Me:  "Sure."
Jill:  (takes a sip then starts pulling bowl toward her)
Me:  "Jill, that's my soup.  I would like to have some."
Jill:  "But I like it."
Me:  ~~ confused look ~~

Scene:  Eating take out at home
(ordering thai food.  I asked Liam if he would like some of "the chicken and noodles that you really like [pad si ew].  he declines, says he would like waffles for dinner.  I order for me and Jill and we're sitting down to eat)
Liam:  "That's so unfair, how come Jill gets chicken and noodles?"
Me:  "Liam, I asked you if you wanted some when I was ordering, you said no."
Liam:  "But, I love those chicken and noodles."
Me:  "I know Liam, that's why I asked you if you would like some."
Liam:  "Well, I want some now."
Me:  "Well, let me call up the Thai chef and ask him to come over to make you some."
Liam:  "OK."
Me:  (he proceeds to eat half the order) ~~ confused look ~~

When does it end?

My boy is growing up

I picked Liam up from his last day of school last Thursday.  I was expecting him to be jumping around all excited that "yay, it's the last day of school!"  Instead, he's all mopey and dragging his backpack on the floor.  I ask him, "what's wrong, why aren't you excited?"  He says, I'm gonna miss school and my friends.  So I put my arm around him and tell him it will be OK.  I expected him to cheer up once we got home.  Instead, a few hours later he is still acting mopey.  I ask again, "what's wrong Liam?"  Answer, "I miss my friends and Ben isn't coming back to school next year".  Aaahhh, Ben.  Ben is his BFF he says.  Ben is moving away he says.  Liam is experiencing his first heart break, I realize.

The night goes on and I eventually put the kids to bed.  I'm brushing my teeth and in walks Liam all teary eyed and announces "I miss school and Ben".  WOW.  I don't think I've ever seen him crying over feelings for another human being before.  Ever.  He didn't even cry when we told him Joe was moving out of our house.

So we climb into my bed and I ask him if I can snuggle him.  Liam doesn't snuggle.  Now, we're snuggling and he is just sobbing crying about how much he is going to miss Ben and his school.  So we have a touching conversation about Ben and life and he tells me how much it's just so unfair sometimes.  I know kid.  It was an amazing watching-my-kid-mature-right-in-front-of-my-eyes bonding moment and I thank God I was able to be there with him and share it with him.  I don't know if I made him feel any better but I hope I did.

After he fell asleep and I was laying there I became a little sad that Joe wasn't able to be there to share in that moment.  And I became sad to know that Liam and Jill will have moments like that when I am not around and I will not be able to always be there for them.  I am will be missing out on 50% of my kids' "moments".  Liam, you don't have to tell me about how life is so unfair sometimes.  I know kid.

Letting go.

It's been an interesting week guys.  After my last post about Joe and I things between us have changed drastically.  It's weird, after I found that email and confronted him about it I thought I was going to be really mad at him for a long time.  But it's actually had the exact opposite effect on me.  I feel more comfortable with him then I have in a very long time.  I haven't wanted to punch him in the face for over a week, LOL!!  I explained to Joe that just knowing the truth has set me free (so corny, I know, but it's TRUE!).  I have let go of all the expectations I had of him, the expectations I had of myself, the disappointment of unmet said expectations.  I explained to him that I was not upset with him about how he feels but rather how he approached the whole situation.  I also realize that, in Joe's mind, it was very hard for him to tell me the painful truth.  The truth that he didn't want to be with me anymore, the truth that his heart wasn't with me anymore, the truth that he wanted to be with other women.  Those things are hard to say to someone you have been with for so long.

Over the past week we've been talking very openly and honestly about the state of our relationship, our feelings and even dating of other people.  It has been the most we've talked and the most honest we've been with each other in a very long time.  It's surreal talking to your husband about a girl he met and went on a date with.  But like I told Joe, I feel like less of a fool knowing it's going on then thinking it's going on.  The "thinking" and the not knowing eat at you like a disease.  It becomes all consuming, all you can think about.  You, literally, become a crazy person.  A person you don't recognize.  A person you don't particularly like.  I don't like being that person.  I don't want to be that person.  I have let go of that person.  Sometimes I think it's a little sick and twisted and perverted of me to want to know about him and other woman but it just honestly makes me feel better.  Maybe it's because I know he talks to his friends about this stuff.  I feel like a fool knowing that everyone else knows except me!  Is that weird of me??  Be honest.

So where do we stand?  I don't know.  We're not getting back together anytime soon.  But at least communication has been open and honest.  I am living with no expectations at this point.  We'll see where it leads.  I've decided to continue going to counseling by myself as well.  Hopefully I can work a few things out.

In other news, I have a date this weekend!  Am I ready for this?  I don't know.  I have no expectations.  I just want to spend time with someone nice and have a little fun.  It's a little overwhelming.  I've thought about cancelling at least 5 times.  But I'm not going to.  It's just one date.

I can't wait for school to be out

Only 2 weeks left!  Liam is such a difficult homework doer.  Last night for example.  He had one page to do in his Math book and 3 worksheets to complete.  This took well over an hour for him to finish.  If I am not physically sitting next to him at the table then he sees this as an excuse to get up and play with the cat, play with his toys, run off with Jill and whatever else he can do to stall.  One of his worksheets was to number 4 sentences in the correct order of events then rewrite the sentences below.  Ugh.  He acts as if writing ONE sentence is just the worst thing that could happen to him.  Let alone rewriting 4.  Just the amount of whining over it wastes 15 min.  Anytime he has a writing activity I know it's going to be difficult, for ME!  I need a break.

This will be the first summer in many years where we will not be taking a family trip.  Sad :(  I have a week of vaca in Aug and I want to take a trip with them but not sure what to do yet.  I'll figure it out.

I worked out with my job where I will be working a split shift for the summer.  So basically, I work until about 2:45 at the office, pick the kids up by 3, then work the rest of the afternoon from home.  I did this last summer for the first time and it was GREAT!  It saves me money on summer camp picking them up early, I get a few extra hours at home to get stuff done (as long as it's not busy at work) and I get a few extra hours with the kids every day.  It's perfect.

As I was picking up Liam from school yesterday I was so excited.  I could just feel that the school year is winding down, summer is right around the corner and I just remembered how this is my FAVORITE time of the year.  I love summer.  (I know it's technically not summer yet but it might as well be here it's so dang hot already!)  I love the long days, going to the pool, no school, relaxed schedule.  It just makes me feel alive and happy.  The whole atmosphere of summer is my absolute favorite!

Also, Jill graduates from Pre-K next week.  My baby girl!  In just a few weeks I will officially have a 3rd grader and a Kindergartener.  WOW!  When did that happen?

Anyone have any good summer plans?

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all the fabulous hard working moms I know!  Have a wonderful day and do something just for yourself!

Bring your Liam to work day

Liam came to work with me today.  My work planned all kinds of fun stuff to do, including a sundae bar at the end of the day.  He even got to do a mini sportscast (I hope the video works!).

While I was walking to get some water I saw him in the doorway of the men's bathroom and I hear little voices saying "stick your hand here" and the automatic dryer would come on ~~ giggle, giggle, giggle,~~  So funny.

Then, him and two little boys he met are just generally goofing around and I caught a rear view glimpse of the 3 of them walking down the hallway like a little gang.  The funniest part to me was that all three of them were the smallest of all the boys.

I was going to take him to Mc'D's for lunch but he ended up eating so much of the snacks they had laid out that he wasn't hungry at lunch time.  So we went to a nearby sushi place and he just had water.

He really liked the game room too.  I played a little ping pong with him this am.  Then he was playing Wii with some of the other kids.

The best part for me?  I got to leave early...