Snooping

Guys, if you're gonna snoop you better be prepared for what you might find.  I snooped.  I thought I was above this type of immature behavior but apparently I am not.  And I found an email I did not want to find.  The vindictive bitch inside of me wanted to scan the email and post it here.  But the sensible side of me knew that isn't a very nice thing to do.  So I'll just give you some highlights.  Joe was writing to a friend to tell him how he is "winning" at the cat and mouse chase he has going on with girl A at work.  Apparently, they were at odds for some reason so he had been "flirting with the two new hot girls" all week "in the face" of girl A to make her jealous.  At the end of this email, he mentions that he spent 2 hours on the phone with girl D and that she's "very cool".   Yeah....

Why does this make me so angry?  Well, the previous night I had gathered up all my strength to call my own husband on the phone and have a conversation with him.  He hasn't spoken to me since our last therapist appt which was 3 weeks ago.  I tell him that I don't like how he has been ignoring me for weeks.  That I feel over the last few months that he has really just been using me and making me look like a fool (he had no idea what he was doing to "make me look like a fool").  Once again, I ask him about him being with any other women, he denies it.  Again.  He still insists he "doesn't know" what he wants yet.  During this conversation I ask him to just be honest with me and tell me what's going on because if it's over I want to move on with my life.  He asks "well, how are you going to move on?"  I said, "well, I'll stop wondering if you still care about me.  I'll stop wondering if you miss me, miss our family.  I'll stop wondering where you are every moment and wondering who you're having sex with.  I'll stop waiting for you to come home".  And still, he doesn't fess up to anything.  I still have this fantasy that Joe is going to bust through the front door one day with flowers and tell me how much he loves me and how he can't live without me.  Because he's not telling me that he doesn't want to be with me, I still have hope.

So, after I find the email, I print it out and handed it to him when he came in the morning to drop off Jill.  I simply said "this answers all my questions".  He says nothing to me and we head out to start our days.  He then fires off an email to me reprimanding me about snooping and going through his personal email.  He goes on to tell me that I am an unhappy person and that when he thinks of our future together all he can think of is unhappiness.  He also said he was going to start dating.  Ouch.  Very big ouch.  He also recognizes that he is the cause of some of my unhappiness yet he can't be with me because I am so unhappy.  Oh, the irony.  (is that irony?)  That really hurt but at least it was his truth.  Finally.  He's felt this for a long time but he just wasn't telling me.  All I have asked him for was the truth all along.  Instead, he chose to string me along and continue to tell me untruths.  I told him I am utterly disappointed in him for choosing to treat me this way and choosing to end our relationship this way.  He apologized for all the pain he is causing me and said he realizes how keeping the whole truth from me for so long was def not the right way to handle the situation.

The crazy thing is I have also had thoughts that getting back with Joe would just be a lifetime of unhappiness.  But, I don't know, I just wasn't ready to let go.  He is the love of my life.  I still don't feel like I can just let go of that.

In one way I am so completely and utterly devastated.  More devastated than any other point in this separation.  I, honestly, never believed we would be in this situation.  My husband is going to be fucking other people.  The thought is just more than I can bare.  I honestly don't know how I am going to get through the next few weeks.  I just want to go to sleep and wake up in a year.  When all the heartache is gone.  When I can feel like a normal human being again.

And in one way I am so relieved that the truth is finally out.  I can finally stop waiting.  I can now start to heal and move on.  Wish me luck guys.  See you on the flip side...