Mom Guilt

Every summer since Liam started school, I always have these grand plans of making sure we do lots of educational stuff over the summer so he doesn't "lose" what he's learned over the previous school year.  I even sign up for home school-type websites so him and Jill could complete lessons all summer long and get a head start on the school year.  And, in theory, it sounds like it should just be that easy.  Set him up in front of the computer to complete a lesson.  But then the complaining starts.  Then the whining.  I have to physically be sitting next to him in order for him to actually sit still and concentrate on what he's doing.  And then I get turned off to the whole idea.  Since Kindergarten, Liam and I have gotten into all out screaming matches over doing homework.  I HATE TRYING TO BE MY KIDS' TEACHER!  And I feel so guilty about it because I want to like being the one to work with them at home and feel so accomplished when I teach them something.  In my fantasy, it's all butterflies and rainbows.  I show/tell them something, and - BAM - they learn it!  But the fact is, I just don't.  I just do not have the patience for when they try to play dumb with me.  It sets me right off.

For instance, working with Liam for months on his math homework.  Then, he decides he just wants to be pissy and difficult about doing math homework.  So I ask him something simple like "OK Liam, after adding this column, which number do we carry over into the tens column?"  "Um, I don't know.  3?"  "Where did you get 3 from?  We've just done five equations just like this one and all of a sudden you don't know what 8+3 is?"  "I forget."  To me, this is "playing dumb" and I immediately go into a ballistic rage.  Sounds terrible, I know.

Trying to work with Jillian on her reading this summer.  One night, she starts reading this book and I was so impressed, I had no idea she knew so many words already.  So we read this same book a few nights in a row for practice.  So one night, she all of a sudden doesn't know any of the words.  We're reading the title and I say, "OK Jill, what is this word?"  Literally, she makes this sound that is not a letter or a word or even a combination of letters.  Just like a grunty type sound and, of course, she thinks this is just hysterical.  I say, "what?  Jill, what is this word?"  She makes the noise again.  I say, "Jill, you've read this word everyday for 3 days now.  What is this word?"  "I don't know."  I can't take it.  To me, this is "playing dumb".  I want to take the book, throw it across the room and scream at the top of my lungs.  We haven't read together since.

It's so very frustrating.  Maybe I take this "playing dumb" thing a little too seriously.  I mean, I understand that their little minds are still developing and that they work different from an adult's mind and that they  might *actually* forget how to read a certain word from one sentence to the next but it makes me crazy!  And I feel so guilty for not having more patience with them when it comes to teaching them.  I have actually made Liam cry from chastising him over his reading, especially in the beginning.  I hate knowing that I made my Liam cry and feel bad about himself so I apologize profusely.  I blame him, he blames me.  It's just a big vicious cycle.  So, in my mind, I would rather just not "go there" then have it end in a big fight where everyone is frustrated and discouraged and mad.

As a parent, you put a lot of pressure on yourself that you should LOVE to do and be everything to your kids.  But that's not very realistic.  I feel like I have so much patience in other areas with them.  (just dealing with Jillian and her high maintenance-ness on a daily basis is an act of sainthood, trust me)  Just not this one.  I guess all I can do is strive to be better the next time.  Half the battle is admitting you have a problem, right?