Hi, my name is Debbie and I'm an over reactor

It's true.  I've had to apologize many times for my over reacting tendencies.  At the time you are over reacting you feel very justified in your behavior.  I have an opinion and I'm going to express it dammit!  But afterwards, you're just like, you know, that wasn't the biggest deal ever.  Then you usually just feel like an idiot and knowing you have to apologize for being such an idiot is dreadful.

I got upset today over a slight misunderstanding about a woman that Joe has been spending time with, with the kids.  I got pissed off, called him up and demanded to know "who this woman was!?"  And "why is she acting XYZ with MY kids?!"  And she "needs to STOP doing XYZ with MY kids bc I don't like it!"  Well, that's what I meant to say at least.  The problem was, I called him right in the middle of my rage.  Which is a big no no for me.  I don't communicate well when I'm all raged up.  I was so bottled up and emotionally distraught that what actually came out of my mouth was just word vomit.  I didn't nearly get out my well practiced "speech" as well as I had it in my mind.  Ugh.  So now I just look like a lunatic.  Who the heck takes a lunatic seriously?

When my friend Lisa was going through her divorce she would say "ya know, people tell you what divorce is like, but no one TELLS you what divorce is like".  (yes, I am aware that Joe and I are not actually divorced, but we are basically living a divorced lifestyle) I totally get what she is saying.  Every single "new" step in the process is just reopening the wound.  The reason it hurts and we lash out is bc it hits us, literally, right in our insecurities and worst fears.  For me at least.  I felt extremely threatened at the thought of another woman in my kids' lives.

So, what, do you think this woman is BETTER than me?
You think she could take care of my kids BETTER than ME?
What if my kids like her better than me?
Is this the beginning of Joe completely abandoning us?

Logically, I know these things are not true.  But it doesn't change the fact that it feels like any one of them could be true.  And it is terrifying.  It literally feels like a punch in the gut.  Just another step in the process I guess...