Heartbroken

I don't think I told you guys the story of how we told the kids that Joe was going to be moving out.  Joe and I had been stressing for weeks over this conversation.  We thought there would be crying and freaking out and hystericalness (and not just on my part).  So we open the conversation with "well, you know how daddy has been living in the guest bedroom for a while now?  well, daddy is going to be moving out and getting his own apt now."  {looks of confusion, blank stares} "you're still going to be living with both of us, just separately now"  {looks of confusion, blank stares}  "what's going on with daddy and I has nothing to do with you guys, we still love you guys very much.  we just can't fix our problems right now"  {looks of confusion, blank stares}  Joe chimes in, "my apt has a pool"  The kids:  "can we go right now?  is there a deep end?  can i jump in the deep end?"  By the end Joe and I just looked at each other like, did we just mess that up?  How do they not even care?  I had a stomach ache for two weeks even thinking of this conversation and they seem totally fine.

Over the past few weeks EVERYONE has been asking me "so how are the kids taking it?"  And all I can say is "they seem to be doing fine".  I mean, there have been a few comments here and there from them.  But for the most part they have not been all that verbal about what they are going through.  I constantly ask them how they are.  Let them know they can talk to me if they want to talk about their feelings about the situation.  Nothing.  Not a peep.  We've just been living life like normal.

This am we had a conference with Liam's teacher.  She says he's been doing all his work and passing everything but that he's slacking off a bit.  Not motivated.  Not focused.  Not participating as much.  She's really "noticed a change in him the past few weeks".  She's concerned that he could "slip" in his progress if we don't light a fire under his ass.  Ugh, sinking feeling in my stomach.  At this point, we haven't told his teacher about the situation.  And all I can think to myself is "you really need to tell her what's going on at home".  But she was talking, the kids are sitting right there and it is just all around awkward to bring it up.  So I don't say anything.  So we finish the conference and as we're walking out the door she says to me "Liam told me about what's going with you guys."  So apparently, it's weighing on him enough that he is reaching out to people that are NOT us.  Which is OK with me.  As long as he feels comfortable enough to speak to someone about it.

Ugh, I feel so bad for him.  I really wish he didn't have to go through this.  It just breaks my heart into a million pieces that our problems have to affect him.  It just breaks my heart into a million pieces to know that I am the cause of stress in his life right now.  He didn't ask for any of this.  I feel like I'm totally failing at life motherhood right now.  Where is Charlie Sheen when I need him?

Bring your Liam to work day

Liam came to work with me today.  My work planned all kinds of fun stuff to do, including a sundae bar at the end of the day.  He even got to do a mini sportscast (I hope the video works!).

While I was walking to get some water I saw him in the doorway of the men's bathroom and I hear little voices saying "stick your hand here" and the automatic dryer would come on ~~ giggle, giggle, giggle,~~  So funny.

Then, him and two little boys he met are just generally goofing around and I caught a rear view glimpse of the 3 of them walking down the hallway like a little gang.  The funniest part to me was that all three of them were the smallest of all the boys.

I was going to take him to Mc'D's for lunch but he ended up eating so much of the snacks they had laid out that he wasn't hungry at lunch time.  So we went to a nearby sushi place and he just had water.

He really liked the game room too.  I played a little ping pong with him this am.  Then he was playing Wii with some of the other kids.

The best part for me?  I got to leave early...

Kindergarten orientation

I took Jill to Kindergarten orientation this morning.  I welled up no less than 3 times.  Ha.  First was when one of the K classes came in to sing us some "welcome" songs.  They were so dang cute and I was thinking of how that will be Jill in just a few months.  My big girl.  Then when they were talking about learning to read, I thought of how proud I will be when she starts reading.  I want to start working with her over the summer on her reading skills.  I teared up a few other times but don't really remember over what.

I remember how absolutely terrified I was when Liam was starting K.  I was so worried about him being so little in a big school.  Would he have to interact with the "older" kids?  Would they be mean to him?  How is he going to know what to do at lunchtime?  Would he even eat school food?  And a hundred other little worries.  I totally don't feel that way about Jill entering school.  I'm actually really excited for her.  She is much more advanced than Liam was when he was entering K.  I think she's really going to blossom. 

She was so dang cute skipping down the hallway as we were leaving.  That girl is going to rule that school by 1st grade.  I just know it...

I'm baaacckkk....

Hello, my little bloggy world!  I'm back from vaca.  It was a GREAT week!  My brother, his wife and their two boys were here all week.  My brother saw all the doors in my garage (for anyone who doesn't know, about 3 years ago I had a grand plan to switch out all my interior doors in the house and I got one door done and the rest have been sitting in the garage ever since) and said "Hey, let's do your doors!"  I was like "That's not what you guys want to be doing on your vaca!"  But him and his wife insisted it was "no big deal" and in about 15 total hours, we had 6 doors painted and hung!  And we still had plenty of time to visit with family, go to the beach and the pool, play cards and drink beer.  Lots of beer.  Wow, my doors look amazing!  What a difference it has made in the house!  I seriously can't thank them enough for all their help!

It was so awesome seeing my nephews too.  Jay (7 yrs old) with his Justin Beiber haircut is just so grown up.  He was constantly doing a "hair flip" to get his long bangs out of his eyes, so freaking cute.  He is always drawing and is a really good artist!  He makes up stories to all his artwork, he's quite amazing.  And Timmy (3 yrs old), OMG, this kid cracked me up all week.  He talks SO MUCH and is SO LOUD and SO FUNNY.  He's so freaking cute I just wanted to eat him up all week.  I got to pinch his hiney and give him a bath.  Reminded me of when I had a baby boy to bathe.  He even snuggled on the couch with me for a while.

They left on Friday morning then Joe picked up the kids Friday evening for "his weekend".  I woke up Saturday to a totally empty house.  It was really tough for me.  I literally had to force myself to get off the couch around 11am and "try" to be a functioning member of society.  I almost called Joe up at least 3 times crying that I can't stand not having my kids with me.  That I hate this situation and I just want it to go away.  That I want our family back so bad.  But I didn't.  I had no idea what I was supposed to do with myself all day long all by myself.  So I went to Target.  Ugh.  I really don't need to be spending money at Target but somehow shopping always makes things better.  I got the kids some new PJ's (that I haven't even seen them in yet) for Easter.

We had a fabulous Easter here.  It was HOT!  Joe and the kids came to the house around 9:15am for our usual egg hunt and they ended up staying until 5:30.  We had lunch with our neighbors then just hung out for the rest of the day with the neighbors talking and playing basketball with the kids.  It was really nice.

I have had a really hard time getting into the groove of work today.  I just don't want to do it...

Countdown to vaca begins...

Just two more days til VACA!!!  YAY!!!  It's been 4 long mos since I've had any time off.  My brother and his family are coming down from NJ.  Cannot wait to see them.  It's been a little over a year since I saw them last.  The kids grow so much in that time.  I hope my nephews remember me!

So next week, when you think of me, know that I'll probably be lounging by the pool, at the beach, or sleeping in late.  Aaaahhhhh.....

Moving day

WOW.  Let me try to explain the day I just had.  I get up early because I have to take my car to the shop (my A/C was blowing warm) by 8 so that Joe can start his moving thing by 9.  When we get home from dropping my car off I notice the A/C unit for the house is also blowing warm and the unit itself is frozen.  REALLY?  Do I really need this today?  BTW, it felt like it was about 90 here today.  It was freaking hot!  Not the kind of weather you can go without A/C.

Jill is buzzing around like a little busy bee packing all the stuff that she wants to bring to "the apartment".  Joe is also running around packing and moving furniture around waiting for his friends to show up to begin moving stuff to the apartment.  The shop guy calls me.  He quotes me... wait for it... $1600... to fix the A/C.  "WHAT!?  $1600 DOLLARS?"  I thought perhaps I misunderstood him the first time he said it.  I go on to tell him I just cannot do that.  He says he'll go back and rework the order and see what he can do for me.  Meanwhile, I've had to call the house A/C guy.  He is on the way.  By this time, my neighbor kids are over so now I have 5 kids running around, playing, screaming, asking for drinks, asking for snacks, asking me to play with them.  Liam is playing video games oblivious to what is going on around him.  I finally get him off the video game and am helping him and Jill pack their overnight bags.

Joe is now in full moving mode.  Instead of renting a truck and getting everything moved in one trip he uses the element and has to make about 15 trips throughout the day.  So, in and out all day, him and his friends.  I packed some stuff for him to get him started but I wasn't helping move anything.  I would periodically find myself sitting outside just staring off into space.  I just felt completely numb really.  Not really sure if I was mad or sad or what.  Kind of like an out-of-body experience.  On the outside looking in.

The shop calls me back they were able to reduce the price but it's still A LOT.  I agree to move forward because I HAVE to.  Like I said, this is not the kind of weather where you cannot have cold A/C.  The house A/C guy has now showed up and LUCKILY we get away for less than $200 for that.

So the day is winding down and Joe is about done moving.  The kids are at our neighbors house and Joe and I decide to take me to see the apt and go get my car.  We're alone but there's very little talking.  I check out the apt.  It's small but decent.  Then he drives me to the shop.  I tell him I'll meet him at home.  I get home and go pick up the kids from the neighbors.  Joe still needs to head to the store, get the kids fed, bathed and put them to bed.  So it's "the moment" where we are about to part ways forever.  He is packing the kids up in his car and I'm getting into my car heading to Publix.  So Joe looks over at me and smiles and waves.  It was very unceremonious.  After 12 years, that's what I get.  A smile and a wave.  No hug, no kiss.  No, "hey, thanks for the last 12 years of your life.  Thanks for these perfectly perfect children you gave me."  Thanks for nothing.  What did I expect?

I get back from Publix and all I want to do is drown my sorrows in pizza and Coke (of the cola variety) and I pull up to my house to see my neighbor kid shooting hoops in my driveway.  I go inside and drop off my stuff and by the time I come back outside his sister is now with him.  I hung out with them for about 30 min just talking and being silly.  It was a much welcomed homecoming.  I was kind of dreading coming home to an empty house.  For some reason, the universe really hated me today.  I'm not sure why.  Apparently, it thinks I'm made of fucking money too.  It really tested me today but I only had 1 teeny tiny meltdown.  But it did offer me with a little surprise when I opened up my fridge to put the Coke away and found a mysterious 6 pack of Killian's sitting there.   I literally closed the door and opened it again to make sure I actually saw what I think I just saw.  I have no idea where it came from.  But I was down to my last Bud.   Thank you to whoever left that there.

The past few weeks I've been so sentimental about everything.  We took the kids out to dinner last night and I thought to myself "this could be the last time we ever go out as a family again".  I think that about everything: this could be the last time we ever [insert random action here].  I don't know if Joe just doesn't think like that or if he just doesn't care.  Either way, it's like a stab to the heart.

So much love

I've always considered myself to be one of those people with no friends.  I guess because I don't talk to any particular people on a daily or even weekly basis.  If I'm bored on a Saturday night I really only have a handful of people I would be able to call to go out for a drink last minute.

But seriously, ever since our separation became public I have had such an outpouring of love and friendship and support from so many people.  Longtime old friends that I only talk to once in a while.  Long distance friends.  New friends.  Old co-workers.  My family has been so awesome.  Joe's family has been so awesome.  Assuring me that I'll always be part of the family no matter what happens.  I really haven't been alone through all of this.  Some of you guys have listened to me through email, crying over my beer (literally) and, of course, through this blog.

Thank you guys for letting me vent and for just lending a supportive ear.  I really hope Joe has received as much support on his end as I have on mine during his difficult time.

I love each and every one of you.  Thanks for being there.

Donate Blood Y'all

I've been donating blood since I was about 18.  I don't remember how or why I started.  I have a fairly rare blood type.  Every single person can receive my blood type but I can only receive my own blood type.  Since everybody can receive their own blood type AND my blood type (except me!) I have always felt it was important of me to donate as often as I could.  I'm a "universal" donor.

I have donated whole blood, platelets and I believe I donated red blood cells once.  I remember after donating for a few years the blood bank sent me a "certificate" in the mail that I had donated ONE GALLON of blood.  Go me!  Now I know they probably mean for this to be some kind of motivational tool but, honestly, imagining a whole gallon jug full of blood was a disgusting creepy thought!  I've probably donated about 20 gallons by now.  There's a nice mental image...

My local blood bank sends me flyers in the mail when they are having blood drives for a specific reason.  Like a 3 yo girl who has leukemia.  With her cute little picture and her sob story.  Like I can say no to that??  Ugh, what if that was my kid?

So I know, it can be annoying or a little time consuming (45 whole minutes!) or you may even be scared of needles (just don't watch!) but you're helping someone, somewhere.  And it didn't cost you a penny.  So get out there and donate!  Especially if you have a rare(ish) blood type.  It, literally, could mean the difference between life and death for someone.

Ugh. That's all I got today.

I remember when I was a kid and my dad was still drinking.  My mom had been in recovery for years and still lived with an alcoholic.  She lived and died by her Al-Anon meetings.  Then she had the brilliant idea that my sister and I should be forced be gently nudged to attend Al-Ateen meetings.  Meetings specifically designed for the children of alcoholic parents.  I know she meant well and was just trying to do the best she could.  But, I HATED these meetings more than anything in life and I refused to participate.  After a few months, I think she got the hint and stopped making me go.  But this, is still, my general feeling about therapy.

I hate it so bad.  I am so extremely angry and discouraged after a session.  I just don't see how it's helping anything.  It's just a lot of finger pointing and blaming.  "well, if you didn't act like this, then I wouldn't act like that..." and "you always treat me like..."  the same things we've said over and over.  It just reiterates that Joe just does not understand me.  He hears the words coming out of my mouth but he's just not "getting it".  And I guess I'm not getting him either.  I feel like we're talking in circles and it's extremely frustrating.  It's just one big vicious cycle.  Just when I felt like I moved into a "comfortable" emotional place, this ruins it all.  I feel like I'm approaching manic again.

But don't get me wrong, I go and I participate.  Fully.  Joe says it helps him and it will eventually help "us".  I mean, is this the point?  To be so angry and feel such hopelessness?  How is this helping?  Is it just too early to tell at this point?

A different aura

Well, the countdown begins.  Joe moves out in one week from today.  ~~EXHALE~~  I am really dreading this day.  Time seems to be moving in slow motion.  We're both nervous.  Both scared.  Both get pits in our stomach thinking or talking about it.  Ugh.  For a while, I felt like this was going to be the end of my world.  But, the truth is, life will go on whether Joe is my husband or not.  I have two little human beings that depend on me for their very lives and I will continue to be the very best mom I can be.  Whether Joe is my husband or not.  And even though we haven't been together for a long time now Joes mere presence has been a safety net for me.

I literally feel like my aura is different lately.  When I walk outside it feels different.  Like me, in the big bad world without my safety net.  Me, all by myself.  It's weird.  But kind of good.  I have moved past most of my anger and confusion and fear that was the uncertainty of our relationship and I feel like I've moved into a place of calm and peace.  Now it's the future that I'm scared of.  Things are going to be the way they are supposed to be.  I have no control over the way things will work out.  I can't force anything to happen.  At this point, I'm just sitting back waiting for my fate to reveal itself.  But I guess that's what we're all doing in life.

The truth is, life is changing for Joe a lot more than it's changing for me.  I'm already used to working all day, picking up the kids from school, getting dinner ready and everyone fed, getting homework done, getting the kids bathed, getting them ready for bed, reading their bedtime stories.  Joe now has to learn to do all this, by himself.  That's tough.  I have to be sensitive to that.

When I'm home alone with the kids I find myself "pretending" that single mommyhood has begun.  "This is what it's going to be like", I tell myself.  I feel all proud of myself in a "I-can-do-this" kind of way.  But in reality, I still get comforted when I hear that garage door open and I know Joe is home.  I think this might be one of those situations in life where no matter how hard you try to mentally prepare yourself for a certain situation, NOTHING can actually prepare you for that situation.  Kind of like when you think you're "ready for the baby to come".  No you're not.  You think you are but you're not.  That first night of having no kids and not hearing the garage door open is going to be like a punch in the gut.  Besides the fact that I have never ever slept in my house all by myself before.  Ugh, anyone want to sleep over?