Nesting

There is something about traveling that makes me want to nest.  I cleaned the bathroom the other day and I decided that the shower curtain needed to be washed.  Was it dirty?  No.  But it's super clean now.  Then I noticed some dust on the wall.  Obviously, every wall in the bathroom needed to be wiped from top to bottom.  Did some dishes in the kitchen that led to wiping down the counter, which led to wiping down the toaster over, which led to wiping down the toaster, which led to cleaning INSIDE the stove burners, which led to running the clean cycle on the oven, which led to cleaning the entire microwave.

I was in the garage yesterday and the amount of toys on the floor was completely annoying me.  I grabbed the broom, swept them all up and in the garbage they went.  Ahh, I felt much better after that.

I've also been purging.  Packed 2 bags of clothes for donation just from MY closet.  Got rid of shoes that are over 10 yrs old/worn out/or just plain ugly.  Why in the world was I keeping them?  I don't know but I wanted them GONE.  They were just taking up too much space.  No room for you ugly worn out shoes!

Unfortunately, nothing gets me motivated enough to mop floors :(

That annoying MOM

I'm going to be that annoying MOM and brag about how my kid made the honor roll!  And you'll never guess which one... LIAM!!  (Albeit, it was the "B" honor roll) This is a big deal people!  Two A's on this report card.  He's never gotten an A on a report card before.  This is a big deal people!  Now I know how "those" parents feel.  Those ones with the bumper stickers on their cars.

So proud of all your hard work Liam!  Keep rocking the 4th grade kid.

Somebody that I never knew

There's this song on the radio called "Somebody That I Used to Know".  I remember first hearing it, thinking, WOW, this is so fitting to me and Joe.  (Now and then I think of when we were together... Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company)  Two people that were once "in love" but now, nothing.  (You could be addicted to a certain kind of sadness...)  I remember when we first split how it just felt like more of a relief than a tragedy.  Finally, out of that unhappy situation.  But I was addicted to that unhappiness.  I just thought that's what you did for "the one you love".  But then the weeks went on and panic started to set in.  Holy shit, this is real.  My husband doesn't want to be with me anymore.  And how incredibly hurtful it was the way he ignored me when he moved out. (But you didn't have to cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing.  I don't even need your love but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough)  Like I was nobody.  Meant nothing at all.  (Now you're just somebody that I used to know...)

But as time still goes on, I actually feel like he's someone I never knew at all.  How could you spend so many years with the same person and not know them?  Who is this person that said he loved me?  Who is this person that looked me in my eyes and promised to be my husband and to be my partner in life?  Who is this person that just walked away so easily?  I have no idea.  I've come to realize that my own husband doesn't actually like me as a human being.  He may "love" me for nostalgic reasons but he doesn't actually like me.  And yes, that is actually a thing.  Loving someone, but not liking them as a human being.  It hurts.  I wonder for how long he lived like that.  How many years he had to "endure" living and being with me?  Now I wonder if I actually liked him.  Actually, I can remember periods of time when I didn't like him at all.  In hindsight, I can now see that that's why he was emotionally disconnected from me.  He didn't like me.  When you don't like someone you don't go out of your way to do nice things for them.  You don't try to communicate and make things better.  I wonder who didn't like who first?  Was each of us just reacting to the other ones dislike of each other?  Maybe.  It's probably a combination of 100 different things.  If it was mutual, why is it so painful?  I supposed we'll never know.

OH REALLY, APPLE!?

I bought a new iTouch back in April.  I started downloading some music and using iMessage to text for free with all my iPhone friends.  It was great.  I was perfectly happy.  Then one day, I went to plug it in and I noticed it was quite difficult to get the charger in.  But it went in, charged up fine, life went on.  The next time I went to plug it in the little black bar thingy broke right off and it wouldn't connect to the charger.  I couldn't charge it at all.  Bummer.  It's less than 6 mos old.

So I call up Apple support, and Corey hooked me up.  It "sounded" like something that is "probably" still under warranty.  He sent me an overnight shipping box to ship my broken iTouch to the repair center.  Yay, my iTouch is going to be fixed!  Could it really be this easy?  Of course not.  Apple repair center sent me an email that their technician had inspected the unit and "determined" the damage to be from "misuse".  They will be shipping my iTouch back to me unrepaired with further information.  OH REALLY, APPLE!?  Plugging in your iTouch is now considered "misuse"?  Another addition to my electronics graveyard.

I've never been a big Apple fan.  I've always been on the fence with their products.  I've never understood how to use iTunes.  I've always hated how they just have to put their close button(s) on the LEFT side of all their computer applications. But I have definitely fallen off the fence on the side of GO SCREW YOURSELF AND YOUR STUPID ASS PRODUCTS APPLE!  You just lost a customer that didn't even like you in the first place.  Your loss.

The pumpkin patch

Jill had this homework the other night where she had to write a story about a pumpkin.  Her teacher had given the kids some examples of what to write about.  "How to carve a pumpkin" or "Picking a pumpkin from a pumpkin patch".  Jill comes home and tells me, "I asked my teacher 'what else can I write about?  I've never been to a pumpkin patch'".  I said, Jillian, of course you've been to a pumpkin patch, child!  She said, no I haven't.  So I thought about it and I realized MY KIDS HAVE NEVER BEEN TO A PUMPKIN PATCH!  OMG, am I the worst mother ever?  What kind of childhood have I been giving my children?  Yes, I'm exaggerating.  But pumpkin patches are just not that big around South Florida.  Once in a while you'll see one on the side of the road.  Usually as part of a church or something.  And they're like $30 a pumpkin.  Uh, no thanks.

I can't remember the last time we carved a pumpkin for Halloween.  Not a big fan of Halloween.

But my goodness, I cannot let my kids grow up and never remember going to a pumpkin patch.  Although, I don't EVER remember going to a pumpkin patch as a kid.  Needless to say, we'll be stopping at one of those roadside pumpkin patches in our very near future, but I am NOT buying a $30 pumpkin!!  But I WILL post a cute pic of Jill in a pumpkin patch.

Single parenting

So I've been thinking a lot about this term lately.  I have referred to myself as a "single mom" a few times recently, but really, I feel like it's insulting to the real single Moms out there.  The Moms who don't have a husband/partner at all to "tag team" with.  The Moms who have no family near to babysit to have a night out with their girlfriends (or alone) to get away from the kids.  The Moms who don't have a trustworthy neighbor to leave their kids with when they just want to run to the grocery store for 10 min.  I have all of these things.  How dare I refer to myself as a "single Mom".  I'm not doing this by myself.

There should be a new term, individual parenting.  Because there is a BIG difference between single parenting and individual parenting.

Ireland

I mentioned a few times on this blog that I am going to Ireland this year.  This is how it happened...

My friend Andrea is turning 50 this year.  I mentioned to her that we should do "something big" for it!  I suggested London for a longish weekend.  She poo pooed my idea.  "I've already been to London."  Oh, ok, nevermind then.  Discussion over.  Then she comes to me a few weeks later and says "You know, I've been thinking about your trip idea and I want to do it now.  How about Amsterdam?  I've always wanted to go."  I said, "that sounds great.  I've never been out of the country so I'll go ANYWHERE!"  As I started researching Amsterdam she kept coming up with other ideas.  She finally said, "what about Ireland?  Yes, Ireland it is!"  So it was decided.  What Andrea wants, Andrea gets.

We booked our trip in March and we have been waiting patiently ever since.  We fly into Dublin, stay for 2 nights.  Drive over to Galway, stay for 2 nights.  Drive down to Limerick, stay for 2 nights.  Then back to Dublin for one night and fly out the next morning.  There are about a gazillion things on our to do list.  Hopefully, we'll actually accomplish most some of them.  The other day we were texting about the trip and I just had this wave of total excitedness come over me and texted her "WE'RE GOING TO BE PARTYING IN DUBLIN!!!!  AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!"  Needless to say, we are both super excited for this trip.

I've been having stress dreams for months already about the trip.  It's always the day we have to leave, like our plan takes off in an hour, and I'm completely unpacked.  So I start to pack but I can't find anything I want to bring!  I've also had a few where Andrea has totally been "blah" about going.  In one dream, she suggested that if we missed our flight we could "always just to go Naples for the week".  I yelled at her "No, we're not going to fucking Naples for the week!  We're going to fucking Ireland, why are you not understanding HOW AWESOME THAT IS!!!!"  Anyone care to interpret?

It's a little bitter sweet for me though.  Ireland was a destination that Joe and I always talked about going to together.  Several years ago, we even looked into moving there!  Joe was researching the job market to see if he could get a job there.  I started looking into where we would live and how the education system worked.  Another one of our plans we just never followed up on.  I imagined our kids growing up with cute little Irish accents.  Oh well, I guess it was for the best.

Erin go bragh, y'all!

My little drama queen

I took Jill to the dr this morning and she cried hysterically over the finger prick for the iron test. Immediately after that she got a shot. She didn't even wince. Sometimes I just don't get her. Jillian has always been hyper sensitive to pain. She must get that from Joe because she certainly doesn't get it from me. Every little thing to her is the most painful thing in the world.

I bring this up because out of nowhere today I suggested to her that we go get her ears pierced for her birthday. She said her usual "well, I want to but it's going to hurt." After going back and forth she just gets all hysterical about the whole thing but says through her tears "ok, let's do it". Of course I'm thinking this is going to be WW3 of drama with her. But she was very calm while picking out her earrings. Climbing up into the chair. Letting the girl mark the dots on her ears. Then comes time for the piercing. 1st ear, she didn't even blink. 2nd ear, she said "ouch". That was it. No drama. No crying. She was so proud of herself for not crying! I think the two teenage girls standing by watching may have had something to do with her stoicness.

Sorry, I don't have a picture. I was bummed I forgot my camera. But don't worry, I won't forget it when she gets her second holes done.

Sometimes, I don't want to be the nice one

Sometimes, I want to treat (some) people the way they treat me.  Rude and thoughtless.  But I don't.  I won't.  Because, ultimately, it's just not how I am.  I would actually have to go out of my way to act in a way that is rude and thoughtless.  And in the end, I don't feel good about it.  Even if you did it to me first.  Am I actually teaching anyone anything by being rude and thoughtless back?  Am I teaching my children that this is an appropriate way of treating people?  They probably acted that way in the first place because that's just how they are.  They didn't have to go out of their way to be rude and thoughtless.  It just comes naturally for them.  Probably.  Speaking hypothetically...

In no way am I trying to say that I am perfect and I treat people perfectly all the time.  Of course I don't.

Sometimes, I want to tell people, "Fuck you, YOU don't get to treat ME like that!"  And I suppose sometimes I do.  After all, I don't treat YOU like that.  Do I?

Sometimes, I don't want to be accommodating or understanding or helpful.  Sometimes, I want to be a raving bitch who only looks out for myself.  Because sometimes, that's how I feel inside.  And I suppose sometimes I am.  I want to be the one that is accommodated, understood and taken care of.

Sometimes, I don't want to let things roll off me.  Pretend like nothing bothers me.  Go ahead, treat me like an asshole, because I'll just get over it.  And life will go on as usual.  Sometimes, I want to make a big fucking deal out of things that hurt me.  Because I deserve to let you know that I don't like how you treat absolute fucking strangers nicer than you treat me.

Sometimes, I don't want to forgive you for your completely insensitive behavior.  Let you off the hook.  Believe your excuse of "well, I just didn't realize".  But in the end, I always do, because I know you're just not capable of anything else.

Who, me?

My friend Cathy came into town a few weeks ago.  We only see each other once every few years when she comes to FL to visit.  She lives in MA.  We're friends on Facebook.  We met at work and pretty much became instant friends over 15 years ago.  We used to party together a lot.  We used to be roommates.

So as we're talking she says to me "Deb, you're one of those people in my life that I've always thought about."  I said, REALLY?!  She says " Oh yeah.  I just wonder how you're doing and what your life turned out like.  And hope you're OK."  I was really taken aback by this.  You see, I don't think of myself as a person that OTHER people think about.  A person that has made an impact to OTHER people.  A person that OTHER people remember for their whole lives.  Of course, I mean outside of my immediate family.

She went on to tell me about all the ways that I am that she used to wish she was.  We reminisced about all the fun times we've had.  She was genuinely upset to hear about Joe and I (I hadn't told her).  She said "But no, it's YOU and JOE!  Like it's always been YOU and JOE!"  I said, "I know!  That's how I used to feel about us too."  She knew both of us before we even started dating.

I mean, tons of people come in and out of our lives.  I have people that I knew for years but if someone were to ask me "whatever happened to so and so" or "have to talked to so and so recently?" I couldn't even remember their name.  And trust me, it's happened to me.  My memory is SO BAD!

I suppose I have a few of those people in my life also.  Those people that I don't have tons of contact with but always seem to think about them.  How they are.  Where they are.  What are they doing?  It made me feel really special to know that I am that to somebody...

I wish I could see it

I remember Joe used to tell me that I was prettier now than when he first met me. I would look in the mirror and see bags under my eyes, dark circles and more gray hair than I saw the day before. "oh, he's just saying that to be nice" I would always think. "There is NO WAY anyone could this is attractive" I would always think.

The guy I was seeing for a while called me up late one night and asked me to come over. I had spent the evening home alone and hadn't done my hair or makeup that night. I said "oh, I can't come over. I'm ugly. I have no makeup on and my hair isn't done". He says "I don't care, just come over". When he saw me he said I looked beautiful. I didn't feel beautiful. But then again, one night when I was all dolled up for him he said "you're so pretty with no makeup on". I wasn't sure if I should be flattered (thinking to myself, buddy, this is the best I'm ever gonna look with a full face of makeup on) or insulted that he didn't notice I went out of my way to look nice for him. Whatever, I just went with it. If he wanted to believe that I looked that pretty with no effort at all, I wasn't going to stop him.

Tonight I went to my fave open mic night. My hair was unwashed and I had no makeup on except mascara. A guy that I've gotten to know a bit there says "you know, you get more beautiful every time I see you". I'm thinking to myself "guy, my hair is dirty and I have no makeup on" but I simply say "well, thank you" because I HATE when people can't take a compliment.

But my point is, when we look in the mirror we do NOT see what other people see. The gray hair and the wrinkles and the few extra pounds are NOT ugly. The people that love us (and the people we love) look beyond that to the people we are inside and that's what they see. But why can't I see it?

Serenity now!

Conversation with my Dad yesterday.  I had just cleaned the bathroom and put everything that was on the counter tops into the ONE and ONLY drawer in the bathroom.

Dad:  Where did you put my toothbrush and tootpaste?
Me:  In the drawer.  (to me, the answer is completely obvious and that question should never even have been asked in the first place.)
Dad:  What drawer?
Me:  There's only ONE drawer in the bathroom, why would you ask me "what drawer?"
Dad:  Deborah, there is no drawer in your bathroom.
Me:  (Evil death stare) Really?  I must have imagined a drawer in there for the past 7 years where I put all the bathroom stuff in.
Dad:  Where is this drawer?
Me:  There is only ONE place for this drawer to be!
Dad:  I swear, I have never seen a drawer in the bathroom.

Is summer almost over?  Ay ay ay...

Someone wants to be just like me.

Jill is really getting into a stage where she is starting to notice me/the things I do as a "woman".  Not just the Mom.  When she sees me getting ready to go out she wants me to put make up on her.  I tell her all the time she's too pretty for makeup.  When she sees I am wearing a new shirt she has to comment on it.  Usually inquiring why my boobs are hanging out of it.  Kidding (not really).  She goes ape shit for jewelry too.  Wants to wear every piece of my jewelry.

The other day I was getting ready to go out and she saw me putting on my makeup.  She says "Mommy, I want to be just like you when I grow up."  Heart melted.  She also said, "Mommy, I wish I looked more like you so that when people look at me they would say "wow, she's like a mini you"."  I swear to God she said that.  So funny.

I remember being so fascinated with my Mom too when I was young.  Her pretty dresses and her pretty shoes and her pretty hair styles.  "Mom, can I have this dress when I grow up?"  "Mom, can I cut my hair like yours when I grow up?"  Now Jill asks me those same exact things.  It's crazy to think that I am someone's role model.  Someone in this world wants to be just like ME!  It's nothing short of amazing.  So much responsibility!

I remember when I was pregnant with her (we didn't find out the sex until she was born) thinking that if I had another boy I would be totally happy with that.  But, honestly, it's so fucking awesome having a baby girl!  I would recommend it to anyone.

An Open Letter to My Kids

I love you guys more than words can ever express.  That's so cliche, I know.  But it's true.  You guys truly gave me purpose and direction in my life.  I didn't have much of that before you came along.  I want to give you guys everything important in life.  And I don't mean PSP's and brand new Jordans every 6 mos.  I mean, love and security and support.  I want to be a good role model for you to live up to. 

I want you to fill your lives with people who lift you up, who help you be better people.  Not people who bring you down and make you feel bad about yourselves.  Help other people be better people.  There is always room to be a better person.  I want you to always communicate openly and freely.  With everyone.  Wear your hearts on your sleeves.  Be compassionate and empathetic towards everyone you meet.  Empathy is so important in life.  Don't judge.  (That one is really hard!  But try.  Really hard.) 

Be humble.  Don't think you're better than other people because of the things you have.  Rather, try to be better than other people because of the way you are.  But don't think you're better than anyone.  Even though you may be.  It's snooty and judgy. 

Work hard for the things you have.  Don't let other people just give you everything.  Not even me.  You'll never appreciate anything that way.  Be responsible with your money.  It's a terrible feeling to be a slave to your debt.  Earning the things you have feels SO GOOD and NO ONE can ever take that away from you!

Travel the world.  Take the time when you're young to do this!  Be adventurous and experience other cultures.  Possibly, live in another country for a while.  Be a free spirit.  Live your lives for yourself.  No one else.  Not even me.  One of my few regrets in life is not traveling more when I was young and had the chance.

Mostly, I want you guys to be good people who are GOOD to other people.  Always try to be the best people you can be!  That will get you SO MUCH farther in life than anything else.  That's my belief anyway.

But most, MOST, of all, don't forget to love your Mom.  I won't be a perfect Mom.  Sometimes I'll yell.  Sometimes I'll get mad.  Sometimes I'll ground you for missing your curfew.  But, I promise, I will always try to be the best Mom I can be for you guys.  I love you with all of my soul and being.  Call me once in a while, won't ya?

And lastly, don't forget to wear your sunscreen.

Love,
Momma

I'm in a funk

You know how I know?  I have no cravings for food.  I mean, I get hungry and I know I need to eat.  I just never know what I want.  Nothing sounds particularly appetizing.  So I have to force myself to eat whatever.

I was talking with a recently divorced friend the other night and we were venting about our (ex)husbands.  I guess it just brought a lot of stuff to the surface.  Stuff I've been ignoring/repressing/living in denial about lately.  I mean, what the hell are Joe and I doing?  Why the hell aren't we moving towards divorce yet?  We haven't even talked in months.  I mean about anything other than Liam's football team or work.  I just can't stand the way he mostly ignores me.  I STILL can't stand it.  You'd think I'd be used to it by now.  But it hurts my feelings like nothing else in this world does.  I find myself hoping that he's miserable.  He deserves to be miserable.  HE did this to us.  How dare someone tell another person they love them and yet be so willing to desert and abandon them.  Not even try.  Not even want to try.  I would understand this whole thing so much better if you just said you DIDN'T love me anymore.  That makes sense.  That's why a person leaves another person.  Wow, just went off on a tangent there... sorry about that...

My guy friend dumped me for someone younger and blonder.  And (arguably) prettier.  I'm happy for him, I am.  He deserves to be with someone who is able to give him what he wants/needs.  And I'm just not that person right now.

I'm trying to give up caffeine because of my trouble sleeping.  I hadn't had a good nights sleep in about two weeks so I thought that giving up caffeine all together would help.  I'm on day 5 right now and I have had 3 decent (decent, not good) nights sleep in a row.  But I'm definitely waning.  I have absolutely no will power.  I miss my morning routine of a nice hot cup of coffee from DD.  But they say that 7 days of doing something forms a habit right?  So hopefully only 2 more days and I will be back in the habit of NOT drinking coffee.  And hopefully, back IN the habit of getting a good nights sleep.

As usual, in time this will pass.  Even my sour feelings towards Joe right now.

So tell me my lovelies, how do you know when you're in a funk?

End of school

I swear, I just can't believe it's the end of another school year.  Start of another summer break.  I officially have a 4th grader and a 1st grader.  It's amazing!

So proud of my kids.  They worked really hard this year.  3rd grade was a real struggle for Liam, but he passed!  4th grade will be even harder for him.  Hopefully, together, we'll get through it!  But I saw him mature so much this year.  He's an amazing kid!

Kindergarten was a breeze for Jill.  1st grade will probably be the same.  Can't believe what an awesome reader she's become.  She really likes school and really loves learning.  She's an amazing kid!

My Dad will be watching them most of the summer.  I'm a little nervous about it.  He's never watched the kids for that amount of time.  But, summer camp was just too expensive this year.  I'm sure he'll do fine.  Joe will be taking them to Maine for a week and I will be taking them to NJ for a week.  Yay, for visiting family!

I wish I had more time off and more money and could visit everyone this summer.  But I can't.  Actually, I wish I had the whole summer off.  But I don't.  But my house is open to anyone that wants to come visit us!  Feel free to invite yourself.  You know I would do the same ;)

Happy summer everyone!

Automatic vs. Manual

Driving a manual is tons of fun.  Really it is.  You always feel like a race car driver.  I learned how to drive on an automatic but when I bought my first car it was a manual.  I barely knew how to drive it and was actually scared to drive it off the lot.  An ex-boyfriend taught me how to drive it.  The rest is history.  My first two cars were manuals.  I remember how weird it was when I bought my first automatic car.  And how long it took me to retrain myself to NOT push in the clutch and reach for the gear shift.  Those two actions, literally, become involuntary actions.  But, honestly, I don't think it ever fully left me.  After owning my only automatic car for 7 years, I would STILL find myself occasionally reaching for the gear shift or trying to push in the clutch.  So weird.

So when I was in the market for a new car a few months ago it never even occurred to me that I would/should/could buy another manual.  But the sales guy was walking me around and he peeked into one car and said "oh, that's a manual.  let's go look at the automatics."  Right away I thought, "OMG, a manual!?  How cool would that be to drive a manual again?!"  I was a little rusty on the test drive but it just felt so normal.  So natural.  Like it hadn't been over 7 years since I've driven one.  I love driving a manual...

However,,, it can be annoying at times.  Let's go through a few scenarios:

Approaching a red light
Automatic driver takes foot off gas and eventually puts it on brake until completely stopped.  If light happens to turn green before coming to a complete stop you have to step on the gas.

Manual driver takes foot off gas and has to downshift, downshift, downshift until completely stopped.  If light happens to turn green before coming to a complete stop you have to figure out what gear to drop into depending on how fast you're going (don't take too long to figure this out otherwise the driver behind you will beep at you for being too slow!).

Answering your phone
Automatic driver picks up phone, presses the green button and puts phone to ear.  Good job!

Manual driver picks up phone, presses the green button and puts phone to ear.  Oh, but the car in front of you is slowing down.  You need to downshift but, shoot, you don't have a free hand.  You have to hold your phone between your ear and shoulder to downshift.  Now you can't hear anything.  And, shoot, you drop your phone.  Between the seat.  Now you have to retrieve your phone.  All while actually paying attention to driving the car and trying not to kill everyone in it.  And still trying to figure out what gear you should be in.  The alternative to shifting with your right hand is reaching across your body with your left hand (while phone is in right hand) and having no hands on the steering wheel.  Hey, it happens sometimes.  This scenario also goes for trying to eat or drink anything while driving.

Stop and go traffic
Automatic driver - gas, brake, gas, brake, gas, brake, etc...

Manual driver - 1st, 2nd, yay, I made it to 3rd!, back to 2nd, 2nd, 2nd, back down to 1st, back up to 2nd,  ooh, I think I can make it back up to 3rd! - er, no etc... DO NOT try to eat/drink/answer your phone in stop and go traffic.  It WILL make you want to get out of your car and kick the driver in the car next to you.  Although, it's absolutely no fault of theirs.

The other day I was turning through a crazy deep puddle.  I had to put on my blinker, turn on my wipers and downshift to 2nd all in the same motion.  Yes, I'm that good at driving a manual.  Ha ha...

Next time you see that crazy driver on the road, consider the fact that they may not be a bad driver... maybe they're just driving a manual...

Road rage much?

Alright, I wouldn't describe myself as a road rager.  But driving can definitely be an extremely frustrating experience for me.  Some people consider me a "scary" driver.  When I get in my car it's because I'm going somewhere.  And I want to get there.  In a timely fashion.  This does not mean I am some kind of crazy speed demon.  I am not (anymore).  I have gotten enough speeding tickets to know not to speed anymore.  This just means I get annoyed when people are in my way and prevent me from doing my ideal speed.  But I will do 5 over the speed limit.  So if the speed limit is 45 I will NEVER do more than 50.  I even use my cruise control to help me control my speed.  My frustration comes from other drivers.  As it does for all of us, I'm sure.  I mean, everybody thinks that they're a good driver and that driving mistakes are always the other drivers fault.

I am actually very forgiving to common driving mistakes.  Getting cut off or when someone is driving crazy slow.  Or, when you're stopped and someone wants to make a left from the right hand lane so they flag you down and ask if they can cut you off.  These are forgivable offenses to me because I also do them.  Hey, I've accidentally cut someone off.  Hey, sometimes I drive a little slow when I'm in an unfamiliar area and have to drive slow to find what I'm looking for.  These people do not usually bother me.  These are not end-of-the-world offenses.  Doing these things does NOT make you a "bad" driver.

Some things that truly bother me are the people who ride the merge lane ALL the way to end.  THESE are the people that cause traffic!  Because, ultimately, they either have to stop completely OR cut someone off (causing them to screech to a halt)  to get into traffic.  (and in turn, the people who never let anyone merge in are just as guilty!)  These people should be shot.  But I do have a funny story about a merge lane asshole that I will write at the bottom.  Also, when people pull in front of me to go 10 mph slower than me.  I will literally ride their ass.  This annoys me to no end.  I think this is the biggest reason why some people consider me a "scary" driver.  Doing these things DOES make you a "bad" driver.

Other things that bother me:  people who don't accelerate through turns.  I drive a stick people, I practically stall out following you through a 5 mph turn!  The texters who hold up all of traffic.  I guess they think they're being "safe" doing 20 in a 35 so that they can pay better attention to their texting.  Then there's the guy that cuts across 5 lanes of traffic on the highway to make his exit.  Because apparently, he didn't realize his exit was coming up for the last 5+ miles he was driving.

The other day I was following this guy who suddenly pulled into the next lane.  I was like "geez, why did he do that?"  Oh, because there was a huge piece of debris in the road that I had about 2 car lengths to swerve around and avoid myself.  Thanks asshole for waiting so long to move over.  Then, I was driving behind this guy who just wouldn't accelerate after we turned so I suppose I was driving a little too close.  When I finally got fed up and went to pass him, he sped up and wouldn't let me by!  Oh, I was pissed and actually yelling!  Then we both turned into the same parking lot and ran into the sub line at Publix.  Awkward!

But you know how it is.  When you're driving your own car you feel so in control of what you're doing.  If other people would just follow my logic, it would be perfect!

So, my merge lane asshole story:  I was driving in my car one day with my mother.  We're chatting away and approaching an area I know to have a merge lane.  I just happened to notice this one driver not taking his chance to merge into traffic and I start getting super annoyed with him.  So we're driving side by side now and out loud I'm like "oh no, you're not getting in front of me jerk, you had your chance and you didn't take it!"  My Mom is like "deborah, just let him in".  I start yelling "No way!  What an idiot!  I'm not letting him in!"  We are almost down to the end of the merge lane and we're still battling each other.  My Mom is just freaking out at this point.  In the end, my car just didn't have the HP to beat him.  But I was so mad!  Afterwards, I started laughing and my Mom was just having an absolute heart attack.  I just laughed so hard even typing that out.  It still makes me chuckle to think about it.

Be safe out there people and watch out for those crazy drivers!

What driving offenses drive you crazy?

Geniuses

I hired a handyman service called "Genius Home Repair" to replace the exterior garage door (not the automatic garage door, but a regular sized door) in my house.  When they were about to put it in the guy asked me which way I want it installed.  Whether I want it to swing in our out.  I just thought to myself "I really don't care".  And that's what I said to him.  So he responds with, "well, ideally you would want the weather stripping to be to the outside" (which would make the door swing into the garage).  I was like, "OK".  Turns out this is the wrong way to install the door.  Rule, exterior doors should always swing OUT.  They spend 3 hrs installing the door and it actually looks really good when they leave.  About 2 hrs later we have a massive downpour and the bottom of the door is letting rain in like crazy, flooding my garage.  When the guys were there, the doorknob was working just fine.  As soon as they leave, I can't open the door.  The doorknob was not working at all.  This was actually a faulty doorknob and had nothing to do with the guys.  So, then, I had to go out and buy a new doorknob (and it took me about 20 min to get the old doorknob off.  I was ready to kill someone!).  But I'm so frustrated at this point because my garage is flooded and I can't open the door that I call Joe and bitch to him what happened.  He's like "of course it's flooding, they put the door in backwards!  There's only ONE way to install an exterior door."  I'm like "well then why in the world would they ASK me which way I wanted it installed!?"  Honestly, I felt kind of stupid that I told them I didn't care which way it was installed.  I guess I just didn't realize it would actually make a difference.  It does people!  So he calls them up and leaves a message that they installed the door backwards.  By Sunday morning neither one of us has heard back from them.  So I call and leave a message.  One of the guys calls back and says they'll be there by 12 to fix it.  When they showed up, they literally, said nothing to me.  Ha, I think they felt stupid about their mistake.  So they spend the next 2 hrs turning the door around.  But in the process, they ruined all the brick molding on the outside (which they charged me over $100 for) and didn't have any to replace it.  So they have to come back sometime this week to finish the outside trim.

Geniuses.

I'm in love

with mobile/online food ordering.  OMG, it is the best thing EVER.  Well, maybe the best thing since DVR* at least.  I almost don't even want to go to places that don't do it.  The other day, I walked past a line at Moe's that was all the way to the door.  Straight up to the register.  They handed me my order and I was outta there.  Later suckas!  There is no longer a need to stand in line with the rest of the schmoes anymore.  Amazing.  Try it!  What will they think of next?

* I don't know if this is actually true or not since I don't actually have DVR.  But, other people tell me how life changing it is so I will trust them.

5 things I hope to NEVER mutter on my death bed

If I say any of these things when reflecting back on my life, I definitely did it wrong.

"I wish I had spent less time with my kids and more time partying with my friends."

"I wish I hadn't taken that trip to Ireland.  It was WAY too expensive!"

"I wish I had never told that guy I liked him.  It would've been really embarrassing if he had rejected me."

"I wish I would've spent more time working and less time with my beautiful grandbabies."

"I should've eaten more salad and less McDonald's."

What would you guys add?

No more braces!

After 13 mos, the braces finally come off!  Dang, this kid is handsome! But I feel I may be a little biased.

Cabin fever

I've been dying to travel lately.  I haven't been out of town since Aug 2011 when I took the kids to Orlando.  Seriously, 8 mos with out going out of town?  UGH!  But what to do?  Where to go?  I have two big trips coming up this year that I should be am saving for.  NJ for a week in Aug.  And Ireland for 8 days in Dec (I still owe you a post about my upcoming trip to Ireland!).  But both those trips seem SO FAR away.  I just want a little weekend getaway somewhere that isn't going to cost an arm and a leg.  I don't even mind going alone.  Somewhere I've never been would be nice.  I've lived in South Florida for 24 years and there's so many places I haven't been around here.

What do you guys do when you start getting that itch to get out of town?

I am Jill's post nasal drip, Part 2

So an update on my medical condition.  My vocal cords are structurally fine.  However, the therapist that did my testing thinks that maybe from all the years of having the post nasal drip and cough that maybe I have a little bit of this going on.  My ENT dr says I have so many things going on simultaneously that it's hard to pinpoint ONE thing that is causing my cough.  He also said we would "be friends" for a while.  Ha.  So I am currently on 2 allergy nasal sprays, 2 allergy pills and 1 acid reflux pill.  On top of the nasal rinse I do.  This is almost a full time job.  In about a week I will start allergy drops.  It's the equivalent of allergy shots except I get to do them at home.  In talking with two ladies in the waiting room of the dr's office they both said they dramatically improved after they started their allergy shots.  So I'm really hoping the drops help!

I have spent hundreds of dollars on dr visits, tests and medications in the past 6 weeks.  Ugh, something has to help!  But I am thankful that I found a dr that is in this with me!  The last time I tried to get help for my cough I had a dr that put me on a allergy nasal spray and sent me on my way.  It didn't seem he was very interested in finding the root cause.  Hopefully I'm getting closer!

Should I have my rocker chick card revoked?

It's official.  I've become one of those Moms.  The Mom that loves her kids' music.  The Mom that loves those inappropriately young boy bands.  The Mom that watches all those Disney channel shows like Big Time Rush and Good Luck Charlie and actually laughs out loud.

My Spotify library is full of Justin Beiber and Hannah Montana and Rihanna.  And I actually like it!  Not one Metallica or Disturbed or Pearl Jam song.  How in the world did this happen?

But the true nail in the coffin was the fact that I went to the Ultra Music Festival last weekend and I LOVED it!  All electronic dance music.  I thought it was going to be torture.  I thought I was going to be miserable listening to all that house music.  But I wasn't.  I loved it.  I danced all night.  And I was so sad when the night ended.  It went by way too fast.  I could've listened to it for another 6 hours.  My friend and I are already making plans for next years show.  I know, crazy.

How does that old saying go?  You can take the girl out of Ozzfest but don't ever let her go to Ultra because she'll turn into a total bass head.  Something like that.

I'm so confused on what to say now when someone asks me what kind of music I like.  I still think of myself as being a rocker chick.  But my Spotify library tells a different story...

I am Jill's post nasal drip

Kudos to any of you who recognize that as a reference from one of the greatest movies of all time, Fight Club.

Anywho... any of you who spend any significant amount of time with me know that I suffer from the most annoying cough in the world.  I ALWAYS have it.  It never goes away but, rather, goes through varying degrees of bad to worse.  This cough is caused by a post nasal drip.  The post nasal drip is caused by allergies.  I have had this condition for YEARS now.  It all started when I was pregnant with this one.  In an attempt to be rid of this cough forever, I have started seeing an ENT (ear, nose, throat) doctor.  He recently diagnosed me with this.  So now I'm on an allergy nose spray and an acid reflux pill.  I also do a nasal rinse (which is shooting saline water up my nostrils to clean out and sterilize my nasal passages.  this does NOT feel awesome.).  None of which have been particularly helpful over the last week.  But I guess I must give it time.

I recently also underwent allergy testing.  Anyone ever done this before?  This was actually the second time I have been allergy tested.  I got 88 pin pricks on my back (which DID feel awesome actually.  what is wrong with me??) and 88 injections in my arms.  It's the same 88 allergans just in different strengths.  Lucky for me, I tested pretty severely to many indoor AND outdoor allergans.  Isn't that great?  I can't live indoors or outdoors.

I have this test coming up also, where they will test my vocal cords and swallowing.  I'm really hoping that either testing or meds will start to get this under control.  This cough is so frustrating.  Sometimes I can't sleep because of it.  Sometimes my core muscles get extremely sore from coughing so much and so hard.  Sometimes I pee myself because I cough so hard.  Sometimes my head feels like it's going to explode from of it.  Not to mention, the constant sniffling, blowing my nose and clearing my throat.  It's annoying to everyone.  Not just me.  I feel bad for the people that sit around me at work.  Even the kids have commented "Mom, when is that cough going to go away?"  I don't know, that's all I can say.

I'm trying people, I'm trying.  Whatever you do, don't offer me a cough drop or water or ask if I'm "taking anything for that cough".  I will punch you in the face.

The lies we tell, Part 2

So, with this being said, I lie.  I do.  I suppose they could be considered fibs.  Little lies.   I notice I fib lie to my kids the most.  From little things like, "mom, do you know where so and so toy is?"  And I tell them, "no, I have no idea where that toy is."  Meanwhile, I know I threw that toy out like 3 days ago.  But sometimes the lies get a little bigger.  A while ago I answered my cell and Jill heard me say "Hey Babe", it was the guy I was seeing.  Right away Jill had to ask "who did you just call babe?"  I said "my friend".  She asked what my friends name is.  I said "Lisa".  "Do I know Lisa?", she asked.  "No", I replied.  "Why would you call your friend babe?  And, where are you going with Lisa?"  "To the movies."  (word for word this is the exact conversation we had*)  And so it spirals.  I don't like lying to my kids but for now this is the way it is.  I suppose this falls under the "covering my ass" clause in my theory of why people lie, reason #2.

Back in December, in an attempt to be transparent, I mentioned to Joe I was seeing someone.  He did not take the news very well.  Part of the reason I even told him is because I thought we were done.  I also wanted to stop hiding it.  Perhaps, start introducing this new person into my daily life.  Apparently, Joe had something else going on in his own mind that was completely unbeknownst to me.  Anyway, I digress.  I bring this up because I have also had to fib lie to Joe about where/how I'm spending my time.  Mostly, when I need him to pick up the kids early on a weekend or from school.  It's hard for me to tell Joe I need him to pick up the kids from school because I'm going to happy hour with my boyfriend.  Cowardly of me, yes.  I know that would hurt his feelings.  He'll probably have questions that I don't want to answer.  Or give me the silent treatment for a week.  Which isn't very fair of me considering the hell I gave him at the beginning of the separation about being honest with me.  And he told me a lot of things that were probably very hard for him to tell me.  But our situation then and our situation now is completely different.  See what I did there?  Justifying my lying.  Reason #1, telling a lie because it's what I think he wants to hear.  And maybe a little bit of #2, avoiding the hurt.

The moral of this post?  I'M JUST A BIG 'OL HYPOCRITE AND YOU SHOULDN'T LISTEN TO ANYTHING I SAY.


*Side story - as part of this conversation Jill says to me "Can I tell Daddy that you called someone babe?"  I told her no.  But she doesn't really understand why.  I had to explain to her that me and Daddy live very separate lives now and Daddy doesn't need to know everything that I do anymore.  It's all a very difficult concept to teach/accept.

The lies we tell, Part 1

I'm not a person that believes in lying.  I believe that when you lie to someone you actually take away that person's ability to make an informed decision about whatever the situation may be.  Scenario #1:

Husband to wife:  "Are you cheating on me?"
Wife's response:  "Of course not baby, I love you!"

Wife is lying.  So husband goes on with his merry little life, albeit, with a gut feeling that something just isn't right, but - HEY, I trust my wife, I know she wouldn't lie to me.  He decides to believe her and move on with their life together.  His decision to sweep his suspicions under the rug for the sake of love and trust are based on a lie.  Does Scenario #1 make him look like a stupid fool?  Yes, yes it does.  Wife has taken away his ability to make an informed decision about his own life.   <------- That's not a very nice wifey :(

Scenario #2:


Husband to wife:  "Are you cheating on me?"
Wife's response:  "Yes, my darling husband, I have been unfaithful to you."

Wife is telling the truth.  Husband is devastated.  The truth hurts like hell.  He decides to stay and work it out because he loves her.  His decision to stay with his wife for the sake of love and trust is based on the truth.  Does Scenario #2 make him look like a stupid fool?  Well maybe to some people.  But mostly he looks like a guy that loves a girl and doesn't want to lose her.  Wife has given him the ability to make an informed decision about his own life.   <------- That's a much nicer wifey :)

See the difference there?  I believe there are 2 main reasons why people lie.  #1 - they lie because they think that whatever their lying about is what the other person wants to hear.  #2 - they lie because it's hard as hell to look someone you love in the face and hurt them with the truth (being cowardly and covering your own ass are accounted for under #2).

In Scenario #1, wife lied because she thought husband wanted to hear that she wasn't cheating.  Because, obviously, he will leave me if he knows the truth!  Obviously, he won't love me anymore!  Obviously, I have to admit that I'm not a perfect person and I make mistakes!

In Scenario #2, husband could have decided to walk away.  But I guess that's the chance you take when you cheat in the first place.  But that's never what he wanted.  He just wants to love his wife and have her love him back.

The moral of this post?  DON'T DO STUPID SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO LIE ABOUT IT LATER!

Meeting people

So I seem to be struggling with "I just can't stand to be in this house by myself" syndrome again. It sort of went away for a while but it's been almost a year since Joe moved out.  I don't always have someone to go out with, especially during the week, so I go out by myself.  Often.  To the movies.  Out to lunch.  Shopping.  To bars (WAY too often).  I know, that's bad.  The lonely girl at the bar drinking by herself.  But I'm not usually alone for long.  For some reason, people want to talk to me.  Men, women, bartenders.  There MUST be something written ALL OVER MY FACE that says "please come talk to me".  Someone told me once it's because I'm always smiling.  Could you imagine that?  ME, always smiling?? 

It is ALWAYS my intention to go for "just two beers" or "leave by 9".  But then I start talking to people.  And those 2 beers turn into 5.  9pm turns into 12am.  And because I usually go to the same places I am actually getting to know people at these places.  I met a couple at the ale house one night and we had a ton of fun just talking and drinking.  I like when I show up at the ale house and they're there.  I feel a bit like Norm from cheers.  It's a nice little surprise.  They invited me to their daughters birthday party this month.

Then there are the Canadian guys that I run into once in a while.  They're always good for few laughs.  I go to a certain place for their open mic night (I LOVE live music!) and I hang out with one of the performers while he's NOT on stage.  We talk and enjoy music together.  I danced with a guy in his 70's the other night just because he asked.  Then we talked about Ireland.  (did I mention I'm going to Ireland this year?  I'll save it for another post!)  Who knows when the last time he danced with a "young" girl was.  Then there was that time I met a guy with a foot fetish who just wanted to rub my feet, right at the bar.  I know a lot of you are thinking "ewww, creeper!".  But we were talking and drinking and I was getting a foot massage.  Hello, what's wrong with that?

I talk to these people and learn their stories.  And there are a lot of stories out there!  A lot of these people are very interesting.  I like to learn about all the different situations that people live in and all the different reasons why they hang out at that bar.  It definitely puts the word "normal" into perspective for me.  I always thought my lifestyle was "normal".  But there's so many different meanings to that word for me now.  I like it.  And just fyi, for those of you who are absolutely horrified by this post, (with VERY FEW exceptions) I keep these relationships IN THE BAR!

But I also meet some crazies.  Honestly, usually it's the women that are the crazies though.  Crazy women in bars, for some reason, always want to talk to me.  But it's OK.  I'm almost positive I've been that crazy lady in a bar before.

Individual Parenting

When you don't parent full time with a partner, it can be frustrating.  Yes, parenting full time WITH a partner can be frustrating as well.  But I feel like I have less control over the things I don't want my kids doing or exposed to when they are not in my care.  And there's just nothing I can do about it.  I cannot control the way Joe runs his household.  I can talk to him about the things I think are inappropriate that he allows our children to do in his care but that only goes so far.

For example, the other night the kids were complaining about how they were SO TIRED in school and how they almost fell asleep in class!  I said "why are you guys so tired?"  Their response "we were up late watching The Matrix with daddy".  Really?  The Matrix.  Not exactly a movie for kids.  Not to mention staying up late on a school night to watch it.  Do I have any control over this?  No.  No I do not.

Or how he let them watch the whole first season of "The Walking Dead" on Netflix.  Then Jillian would come to my house and be too scared to go to bed alone, crying and everything, because she was scared "zombies were going to get her".  Thanks Joe.

How many conversations have I had with Joe already about the inappropriate things he let's the kids watch?  A few.

I love when I see them on a weekend and they announce "Guess what we had for breakfast!  DONUTS!!"  Yay.  Sugar and fat and sugar.  That's so healthy of you guys.

Joe probably has his complaints about me as well.  Like, how I let Jillian eat her own weight in bacon.  For anyone that doesn't know, Joe doesn't eat pork and it was a rule of his that our kids don't eat pork either.

It's weird for me to think that my kids are having two different upbringings.  "Daddy's" house and "Mommy's" house.  But look, they are not in any physical danger so I can only hope that they grow up with some fond memories of both.

"Hey Jill, remember that time that Dad let us drink beer before our 8th grade dances?  Ha, that was awesome."  "Yeah, Mom blew her lid when she found out."

Lame!

Wow, I have really been neglecting my blog.  I know you guys are probably just DYING to know what's going on in my little corner of the universe.

Well, let's see, this blog hit it's 2 year anniversary!  I can't believe I launched it two years ago already.  Happy Anniversary completedebbiness!

Also, I surpassed the 100 post mark.  As I've mentioned before, I read a lot of blogs and other people make a big deal out of milestones like this.  I have shared over 100 thoughts/comments/feelings/rants/emotions/crack pot ideas/etc already.  Congrats to you, my readers, for reading them all!

I reached my 15 year anniversary at work.  WOW!  When the heck did that happen?

This week marks one whole year since "the separation".  Hard to believe, right?  One whole year already.  It's been a roller coaster of emotions but I feel like I am finally getting back to myself.  I don't even know if it's me.  I haven't seen this person in so long I thought she didn't exist anymore.  I've been enjoying spending time by myself.  Spending time with friends.  Trying to be the best single Mom I can be.  And I know this is a sensitive subject but I've even been dating.  Sort of.  There's really only been one person.  Off and on.

Christmas was certainly different for me this year.  Joe wasn't there when I opened presents with the kids.  I didn't even cook.  We ordered Chinese.  I went out with my friend Christmas evening.  First time in my life I went partying on Christmas.  I have mixed emotions about it.  It was fun but sad at the same time.  But let me tell you, there were a lot of people out Christmas night!

New Year's was the same.  Went out with my friend.  Was home and in bed before 1am.

I've really been itching to travel lately.  I want to go out of the country for the first time in my life.  I've been thinking London.  Maybe Ireland.  Who's coming with?