So I had a medical appointment yesterday and I got called back 1 1/2 hours after my scheduled appointment time. My procedure took about 10 min. This seems so standard these days. Why are medical offices like this? Don't even get me started on the not-very-helpful, major-bad-attitude girl at the front desk. That's for another time.
I had to see my doctor about two weeks ago and I had the first appointment of the day. 9am. Not another soul in the waiting room. My doctor doesn't come into the room until after 9:30. I really want to ask him "where have you been?" But I don't.
I remember when I was pregnant with Jill my OBGYN's office was an absolute nightmare. I had to go to a different doctor then my normal OBGYN/GYN. And although I liked the doctor himself it was a minimum of a 2 hour wait every time I had to go. My checkup would take about 15 min. I remember Joe coming with me to our first ultrasound and the entire appointment took close to 4 hours. His office was actually calling his cell phone asking him if he was coming back that day or not. They weren't sure if he had left for the day. This is just horrendous to me. Why do these people think that my time is not as valuable as theirs?
I actually am pleasantly surprised when I don't have to wait 45+ min at any medical office. My dentist and Liam's orthodontist are pretty good. Liam had a 9:45 appointment the other day. He got called back at 9:40 and a few minutes later he comes out. So I discuss next steps w/ the doctor and make our next appointment. When we are walking out the door Liam says "Mom, how long did that take? It seemed fast." I looked at my phone, it was 9:47. Now that's what I'm talking about. That's the way it should be. I was kind of second guessing myself by choosing this office in the first place because I didn't really shop around at all. I just went with the first opinion I got. But seriously, when the office is run this efficiently I would pay ANY amount of money to go there. It is so worth it.
I'm not the kind of person that likes to be late to anything. Even though I know I have a 45+ min wait ahead of me I still feel like I need to get there on time for my appointments. If I just showed up 45 min late then I would only have a 45 wait. Ugh.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Ruined Plans
You know when you have daydreams of implementing the perfect plan in your head then something happens that ruins it all? Well, that happened last night.
The plan was supposed to be, me sneaking into the kids room early early AM Valentine's morning and placing their pillow pets next to their sleeping angel faces. Then them running into my room totally excited screaming "Mommy, look what I got, look what I got!" Then we, pillow pets and all, snuggle for a few minutes before we have to get up and get ready for our day.
This is what really happened.
Put the kids to bed at 8:30 pm. I wait until I know they're totally asleep. After Big Love, I go out to my trunk to get the pillow pets out. Place pillow pets in a visible corner of my room. While I'm brushing teeth, I hear Jill's pitiful crying getting closer and closer to my room. "Oh no", I think, "she's going to totally see the pillow pets!" I usher her to my bed trying to block her view of them. It works. I go back to the bathroom to finish brushing teeth. In comes Jillian, now she has to pee. She walks back towards the bed and notices the pillow pets. She swings her head around to look at me with a smirk on her face. I just say "Jilli Jill, lay down!" Now I'm at the sink finishing brushing teeth. A little head peeks in with a sleepy smirky face. I tell her to lay down again. By the time I walk into the room, there she is, snuggling the puppy. Liam's puppy! Ugh. Now I have to try and convince her that she can't have that one, I got her the ladybug one. She doesn't want to hear that. I'm pleading, bargaining, begging. The more I talk, the more she cries. Ugh. I let her sleep with the puppy. Early in the AM I switch out the puppy with the ladybug and bring the puppy to Liam's room. While I am placing it next to him, he wakes up and looks right at me. Ugh. He sees the puppy and gives me a sleepy happy smile. I go back to my room and Jill is totally snuggling the ladybug. Like she didn't even remember that she really wanted the puppy. So high maintenance that one.
Then, while in the shower, two kids coming running in "Thanks for our pillow pets Mommy!" It didn't go quite as planned but at least the end result was just as satisfying.
The plan was supposed to be, me sneaking into the kids room early early AM Valentine's morning and placing their pillow pets next to their sleeping angel faces. Then them running into my room totally excited screaming "Mommy, look what I got, look what I got!" Then we, pillow pets and all, snuggle for a few minutes before we have to get up and get ready for our day.
This is what really happened.
Put the kids to bed at 8:30 pm. I wait until I know they're totally asleep. After Big Love, I go out to my trunk to get the pillow pets out. Place pillow pets in a visible corner of my room. While I'm brushing teeth, I hear Jill's pitiful crying getting closer and closer to my room. "Oh no", I think, "she's going to totally see the pillow pets!" I usher her to my bed trying to block her view of them. It works. I go back to the bathroom to finish brushing teeth. In comes Jillian, now she has to pee. She walks back towards the bed and notices the pillow pets. She swings her head around to look at me with a smirk on her face. I just say "Jilli Jill, lay down!" Now I'm at the sink finishing brushing teeth. A little head peeks in with a sleepy smirky face. I tell her to lay down again. By the time I walk into the room, there she is, snuggling the puppy. Liam's puppy! Ugh. Now I have to try and convince her that she can't have that one, I got her the ladybug one. She doesn't want to hear that. I'm pleading, bargaining, begging. The more I talk, the more she cries. Ugh. I let her sleep with the puppy. Early in the AM I switch out the puppy with the ladybug and bring the puppy to Liam's room. While I am placing it next to him, he wakes up and looks right at me. Ugh. He sees the puppy and gives me a sleepy happy smile. I go back to my room and Jill is totally snuggling the ladybug. Like she didn't even remember that she really wanted the puppy. So high maintenance that one.
Then, while in the shower, two kids coming running in "Thanks for our pillow pets Mommy!" It didn't go quite as planned but at least the end result was just as satisfying.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Valentine's Day
Normally I don't really celebrate or even like Valentine's Day. But this year I'm actually putting an effort into it.
One of the things I noticed about myself is that I don't always go out of my way to make special occasions special. I always put forth the effort for the kids' birthdays and major holidays but I'm really lazy when it comes to the little occasions that we should celebrate. Or even some of the big ones. Like Joe's birthday or my birthday or our anniversary. In the past, I have let these occasions slip by practically unnoticed. But no more. I told Joe I want to change that. I want to start celebrating the little things. I want to feel the joy that comes when you make a big deal out of a little occasion.
I found pillow pets for 50% off at Publix today. SCORE! I know two little kids that will wake up Valentine's morning staring into the face of a ladybug and a puppy dog.
You know, my sister is a Jehovah's Witness and I always thought what a miserable existence it would be to never celebrate anything in your life. What is there to look forward to in life when you don't celebrate anything? But for too many years now I have missed so many opportunities to celebrate the little moments that can bring us so much happiness and wonderful memories.
Happy VD everyone! Does anyone want to come to my Groundhog Day party next year?
One of the things I noticed about myself is that I don't always go out of my way to make special occasions special. I always put forth the effort for the kids' birthdays and major holidays but I'm really lazy when it comes to the little occasions that we should celebrate. Or even some of the big ones. Like Joe's birthday or my birthday or our anniversary. In the past, I have let these occasions slip by practically unnoticed. But no more. I told Joe I want to change that. I want to start celebrating the little things. I want to feel the joy that comes when you make a big deal out of a little occasion.
I found pillow pets for 50% off at Publix today. SCORE! I know two little kids that will wake up Valentine's morning staring into the face of a ladybug and a puppy dog.
You know, my sister is a Jehovah's Witness and I always thought what a miserable existence it would be to never celebrate anything in your life. What is there to look forward to in life when you don't celebrate anything? But for too many years now I have missed so many opportunities to celebrate the little moments that can bring us so much happiness and wonderful memories.
Happy VD everyone! Does anyone want to come to my Groundhog Day party next year?
Monday, February 7, 2011
The emancipation of a coddled husband
My husband hasn't cleaned a bathroom in 8 years. The last time I asked him to clean the bathroom it was when I was 9 mos pregnant with Liam. I just physically couldn't reach into the tub anymore. So he goes into the bathroom, sprays everything with cleanser, then takes paper towels and wipes the cleanser off. That's it. Not a drop of water used. Nothing was clean at all. He honestly felt that this was a totally acceptable way to clean a bathroom. Personally, I think he half assed it so that I would forbid him from ever cleaning a bathroom again. And it worked.
Since the separation he has been doing his own chores. Laundry, ironing, paying his own bills. So we decided that he should also be cleaning the guest bathroom that him and the kids are sharing. So, the other day, I noticed the tub still has black smudge marks all over the bottom. Because my kids are those kids that never wear shoes outside and therefore their feet are always black. The bathtub can never be clean for more than 1 shower.
I ask him, "did you clean the bathtub?" He said yeah. So I show him the bathtub and I said "when you were done cleaning this you actually said to yourself 'Yeah, this looks clean'?" He chuckles and said "well I didn't know what cleaner to use. But I scrubbed it. I didn't have any Pine Sol or anything." Apparently Pine Sol is for scrubbing bathtubs. And it sounds like he didn't use any cleanser at all. Just water and a sponge. I opened up the bathroom cabinet and there are at least 5 different cleansers in there. So I had to give him a little tutorial on which cleaner to use on which surface. But I know he won't listen.
Meanwhile, the day before I went to wash a dish and I couldn't find the sponge. I asked him where it was, he said he used it to clean the bathroom. I said, you don't use the kitchen sponge to clean the bathroom, you use the bathroom sponge to clean the bathroom. He said he couldn't find the bathroom sponge. Funny, when I opened the bathroom cabinet (as mentioned above) it was staring right at me. Right next to all the cleansers. I don't know how he couldn't have seen it. Actually I do know, he never even opened the cabinet.
Here's the kicker. I asked him where the sponge is that he used to clean the bathroom and he said he threw it away. I asked "why?" He said it was dirty, he used it to clean the toilet. So I said "you think that the sponge gets thrown out after one cleaning?" He said, yes. But this is exactly why you don't use the kitchen sponge to clean the bathroom. At least he threw it away.
Since the separation he has been doing his own chores. Laundry, ironing, paying his own bills. So we decided that he should also be cleaning the guest bathroom that him and the kids are sharing. So, the other day, I noticed the tub still has black smudge marks all over the bottom. Because my kids are those kids that never wear shoes outside and therefore their feet are always black. The bathtub can never be clean for more than 1 shower.
I ask him, "did you clean the bathtub?" He said yeah. So I show him the bathtub and I said "when you were done cleaning this you actually said to yourself 'Yeah, this looks clean'?" He chuckles and said "well I didn't know what cleaner to use. But I scrubbed it. I didn't have any Pine Sol or anything." Apparently Pine Sol is for scrubbing bathtubs. And it sounds like he didn't use any cleanser at all. Just water and a sponge. I opened up the bathroom cabinet and there are at least 5 different cleansers in there. So I had to give him a little tutorial on which cleaner to use on which surface. But I know he won't listen.
Meanwhile, the day before I went to wash a dish and I couldn't find the sponge. I asked him where it was, he said he used it to clean the bathroom. I said, you don't use the kitchen sponge to clean the bathroom, you use the bathroom sponge to clean the bathroom. He said he couldn't find the bathroom sponge. Funny, when I opened the bathroom cabinet (as mentioned above) it was staring right at me. Right next to all the cleansers. I don't know how he couldn't have seen it. Actually I do know, he never even opened the cabinet.
Here's the kicker. I asked him where the sponge is that he used to clean the bathroom and he said he threw it away. I asked "why?" He said it was dirty, he used it to clean the toilet. So I said "you think that the sponge gets thrown out after one cleaning?" He said, yes. But this is exactly why you don't use the kitchen sponge to clean the bathroom. At least he threw it away.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
The ground rules
For the first week and a half or so of our separation hubby and I weren't really doing much of anything different besides sleeping in different rooms. Still eating dinner together w/ the kids, still watching TV together at night, still talking about our days to each other. We even went to a concert together. I was pretty offended when my husband said he wasn't feeling separated enough from me but I did see his point. It sucks when your partner wants to spend time away from you. We realized we needed to set some ground rules to start spending some time apart. But it's hard living with someone you're trying to avoid.
Imagine War of the Roses but with a lot less hateful pranks. We have split up our TV nights. Which, btw, it really sucks watching TV all by yourself. But it also sucks being holed up in your bedroom with nothing to do. I don't read, I don't knit, and lately, I don't sleep. But it does give you time to do those really annoying little projects that you put off for months (even years in my case) because you're too "busy" watching TV at night. You know, organizing your photos, organizing your closets, cleaning out junk drawers. If I could only get myself motivated enough to work on that door project that would be so awesome! It would also be pretty awesome if I got to use really loud power tools on hubby's TV nights.
So we literally go around ignoring each other on purpose. It's really no way to live. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I hate being uncomfortable in my own home. And I really don't understand how this is getting us any closer to reconciling.
Imagine War of the Roses but with a lot less hateful pranks. We have split up our TV nights. Which, btw, it really sucks watching TV all by yourself. But it also sucks being holed up in your bedroom with nothing to do. I don't read, I don't knit, and lately, I don't sleep. But it does give you time to do those really annoying little projects that you put off for months (even years in my case) because you're too "busy" watching TV at night. You know, organizing your photos, organizing your closets, cleaning out junk drawers. If I could only get myself motivated enough to work on that door project that would be so awesome! It would also be pretty awesome if I got to use really loud power tools on hubby's TV nights.
So we literally go around ignoring each other on purpose. It's really no way to live. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I hate being uncomfortable in my own home. And I really don't understand how this is getting us any closer to reconciling.
Friday, February 4, 2011
One of my new favorite things
Singing in the car with my kids. They're finally getting old enough to remember the words to songs. We sing along with Katy Perry, Pink and Linkin Park. It's so cute. I love that they like music. And I love that we like the same music to sing along with. I never had that with my mom. My mom hated my music and never even listened to music in the car. Mostly talk radio and once in a while an oldies station. I wasn't so into the oldies. So me and my mom never had music in common. :(
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The Ring
The other day I noticed Joe was not wearing his wedding ring. So I asked him why. He said "uh, because we're separated." So I calmly asked "Are we divorced?" He said no. I replied, "well then you better fucking put it back on." Then I completely lost my shit on him. Like so bad that I had to apologize later.
I immediately started crying, telling him how fucked up it was for him to not be wearing his ring and no matter how much he pretends we are still married and how he is trying to portray to the world that he is now a single man. OMG, I was so mad/hurt. I was acting like a crazy person. To the point that I actually had to leave the house because the thoughts going through my mind were so fucked up my actions would have been irreparable had I acted on them. To me, he was sending me the message of "I don't love you anymore" and "I don't want to be married to you anymore" and I want everyone to know it! I just completely wigged.
This stems from the fact that I have been extremely insecure in our relationship for a long time now. One of our biggest problems that we face in our relationship is our lack of attention/affection for each other. And I've been convinced for a long time now that Joe would be out the door for the first woman who came along and showed him the kind of attention/affection that we have been lacking. I let my insecurity spin completely out of control and then paranoia took over. I was convinced he was plotting to leave me and wanted to be with someone else. Paranoia literally took over me and I couldn't think about anything else. How crazy! When I returned to the house my irrational-ness continued. But we were able to sit down and have an honest conversation. Through all my crying he was able to put my insecurity/paranoia at bay. For the time being.
But I can totally see how damaging that can be in a relationship. Like people who are like that all the time. I swear, I am not like that ALL THE TIME. But this state of limbo we are in is proving to be very difficult for me to handle. Now I can see how people can just act so crazy!
Needless to say, he put the ring back on. I think sometimes we need to be reminded what our wedding rings stand for and why they're there. The love, commitment, security that you are promising to another person. In good times AND in bad. You don't take it off just because things aren't perfect. I consider myself reminded. I hope he does too.
Could you imagine if he tried to change his Facebook status to "it's complicated"? He would have to hide all the knives in the house.
I immediately started crying, telling him how fucked up it was for him to not be wearing his ring and no matter how much he pretends we are still married and how he is trying to portray to the world that he is now a single man. OMG, I was so mad/hurt. I was acting like a crazy person. To the point that I actually had to leave the house because the thoughts going through my mind were so fucked up my actions would have been irreparable had I acted on them. To me, he was sending me the message of "I don't love you anymore" and "I don't want to be married to you anymore" and I want everyone to know it! I just completely wigged.
This stems from the fact that I have been extremely insecure in our relationship for a long time now. One of our biggest problems that we face in our relationship is our lack of attention/affection for each other. And I've been convinced for a long time now that Joe would be out the door for the first woman who came along and showed him the kind of attention/affection that we have been lacking. I let my insecurity spin completely out of control and then paranoia took over. I was convinced he was plotting to leave me and wanted to be with someone else. Paranoia literally took over me and I couldn't think about anything else. How crazy! When I returned to the house my irrational-ness continued. But we were able to sit down and have an honest conversation. Through all my crying he was able to put my insecurity/paranoia at bay. For the time being.
But I can totally see how damaging that can be in a relationship. Like people who are like that all the time. I swear, I am not like that ALL THE TIME. But this state of limbo we are in is proving to be very difficult for me to handle. Now I can see how people can just act so crazy!
Needless to say, he put the ring back on. I think sometimes we need to be reminded what our wedding rings stand for and why they're there. The love, commitment, security that you are promising to another person. In good times AND in bad. You don't take it off just because things aren't perfect. I consider myself reminded. I hope he does too.
Could you imagine if he tried to change his Facebook status to "it's complicated"? He would have to hide all the knives in the house.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
The separation
After 12 years of being together and almost 8 years of marriage, Joe and I have decided to separate. Well we have actually been separated for 3 weeks now. I know some of you reading this are quite shocked to read that. Please do not pick up your phone and call me. Keep reading.
Our current situation is that we are still living in our house but in different bedrooms. We feel this separation is essential for us to evaluate our relationship and try to make our way back to each other instead of just calling it quits. Joe and I take very seriously that we are potentially breaking up our family and are trying to avoid that at all costs.
Joe and I have been struggling with the same issues for quite some years now. Literally, every fight we had would be the same exact complaints on both our parts. It's like listening to a broken record. We would always work on these certain issues and things would get better for a few weeks. But then we would slip right back to where we were. Wondering how we got there. Not communicating. Showing no affection or even a shred of respect for each other. It used to be so easy. Just being together. Being happy. Being in love. But things are just so hard now. It's such hard work for us to even say thank you to each other anymore. But I wouldn't say there was hatred present. More like resentment. Constant resentment of what the other was doing, or not doing. What does this mean? Does this mean we're not in love anymore? Does this mean we need a break from each other? Does this mean we should just put each other out of our miseries? I don't know. He doesn't know. For now, we are trying to figure that out.
I'm not going to go into our exact issues but rather I will be writing about the actual process of our separation. From my perspective, of course. I don't want to play the blame game. Mostly because I'm just as much to blame for the state of our relationship. I would love to say it's all his fault but I can't do that.
At first, the absolute hardest part for me was having to change what my idea of what our family was. When I think of my life I think of us being married, living in our house, having the kids go to the same schools forever. Then all of a sudden the thoughts of possibly having to leave our house, move into an apartment with the kids, possibly having to change their schools, leaving their friends who live right next door. And having to do this all by myself. I mean, the thought of my kids waking up every morning and not seeing daddy just kills me. I literally have tears in my eyes just writing that. It was all so much. I was absolutely terrified just at the thoughts. My world was flipped upside down overnight. I didn't sleep for days. I went to work with my eyes almost puffed closed from crying half the night. I just wanted it all to go away. I wanted to go back to the time when we were happy and optimistic about our future together. But how do we get back there? Is it possible to get back there?
Like a lot of long term couples I guess we just got used to being unhappy together. We both recognized it but neither of us would say anything. But in the long run we don't want to raise our kids in an unhappy environment. That's not the example we want to set for our kids. I truly believe that it would be healthier for our kids to deal with our break up rather then live their entire childhoods in a household where we hate each other. Coldness, bitterness and resentment do not make happy kids. And, honestly, I owe it to myself to be happy in life. And so does he. And if we don't make each other happy then we shouldn't be together. You only have one life. You can't live it miserably.
I've had to look a lot at myself and try to find where I can change. How can I make this better? How can I be a better wife? And unfortunately, I found a lot of ways. I just don't know if I'll get the chance to put my new found realizations into action. I can't focus my energies on how to make Joe better and change his behaviors. Only he can do that for himself. (I learned that from Dr. Phil, ha) It kind of sucks when you realize that one of your own behaviors is one that is making you the most unhappiest. It's like you have to admit to yourself that something you've been doing for a long time is the wrong way. And nobody likes to be wrong.
When I try to put this into perspective I keep coming back to the old cliche, you don't know what you got til it's gone. I'm leaning towards the ending where we find our way back to each other and we both can truly recognize how close we were to losing it all and have a new found appreciation for each other. But sometimes that only happens in fairytales.
Please don't post the comment "all marriages have their problems, keep your head up". This is the first time we have actually separated but this is not the first time we've "given it another chance." I think this may be our last chance.
Our current situation is that we are still living in our house but in different bedrooms. We feel this separation is essential for us to evaluate our relationship and try to make our way back to each other instead of just calling it quits. Joe and I take very seriously that we are potentially breaking up our family and are trying to avoid that at all costs.
Joe and I have been struggling with the same issues for quite some years now. Literally, every fight we had would be the same exact complaints on both our parts. It's like listening to a broken record. We would always work on these certain issues and things would get better for a few weeks. But then we would slip right back to where we were. Wondering how we got there. Not communicating. Showing no affection or even a shred of respect for each other. It used to be so easy. Just being together. Being happy. Being in love. But things are just so hard now. It's such hard work for us to even say thank you to each other anymore. But I wouldn't say there was hatred present. More like resentment. Constant resentment of what the other was doing, or not doing. What does this mean? Does this mean we're not in love anymore? Does this mean we need a break from each other? Does this mean we should just put each other out of our miseries? I don't know. He doesn't know. For now, we are trying to figure that out.
I'm not going to go into our exact issues but rather I will be writing about the actual process of our separation. From my perspective, of course. I don't want to play the blame game. Mostly because I'm just as much to blame for the state of our relationship. I would love to say it's all his fault but I can't do that.
At first, the absolute hardest part for me was having to change what my idea of what our family was. When I think of my life I think of us being married, living in our house, having the kids go to the same schools forever. Then all of a sudden the thoughts of possibly having to leave our house, move into an apartment with the kids, possibly having to change their schools, leaving their friends who live right next door. And having to do this all by myself. I mean, the thought of my kids waking up every morning and not seeing daddy just kills me. I literally have tears in my eyes just writing that. It was all so much. I was absolutely terrified just at the thoughts. My world was flipped upside down overnight. I didn't sleep for days. I went to work with my eyes almost puffed closed from crying half the night. I just wanted it all to go away. I wanted to go back to the time when we were happy and optimistic about our future together. But how do we get back there? Is it possible to get back there?
Like a lot of long term couples I guess we just got used to being unhappy together. We both recognized it but neither of us would say anything. But in the long run we don't want to raise our kids in an unhappy environment. That's not the example we want to set for our kids. I truly believe that it would be healthier for our kids to deal with our break up rather then live their entire childhoods in a household where we hate each other. Coldness, bitterness and resentment do not make happy kids. And, honestly, I owe it to myself to be happy in life. And so does he. And if we don't make each other happy then we shouldn't be together. You only have one life. You can't live it miserably.
I've had to look a lot at myself and try to find where I can change. How can I make this better? How can I be a better wife? And unfortunately, I found a lot of ways. I just don't know if I'll get the chance to put my new found realizations into action. I can't focus my energies on how to make Joe better and change his behaviors. Only he can do that for himself. (I learned that from Dr. Phil, ha) It kind of sucks when you realize that one of your own behaviors is one that is making you the most unhappiest. It's like you have to admit to yourself that something you've been doing for a long time is the wrong way. And nobody likes to be wrong.
When I try to put this into perspective I keep coming back to the old cliche, you don't know what you got til it's gone. I'm leaning towards the ending where we find our way back to each other and we both can truly recognize how close we were to losing it all and have a new found appreciation for each other. But sometimes that only happens in fairytales.
Please don't post the comment "all marriages have their problems, keep your head up". This is the first time we have actually separated but this is not the first time we've "given it another chance." I think this may be our last chance.
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