Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Guest blogger
So, I follow quite a few blogs. When you make it big time, like I obviously have (9 followers!), it seems to be a pretty big thing to have "guest bloggers". So I'm giving you an opportunity to write an interesting/funny/sad/ironic/cute/whatever kind of story and I'll post it on complete debbiness.
When I first started blogging quite a few of you would say to me "I would love to start a blog but I have nothing to write about!". And I was the same way. Don't you want to get just one little story be seen by 9 whole people!? You know you do! Reply in the comments if you're interested. Or, if you'd like to remain anonymous, email me.
P.S. - I have people that read the blog that are not "followers". So, technically, your story will be seen by more than 9 people!
When I first started blogging quite a few of you would say to me "I would love to start a blog but I have nothing to write about!". And I was the same way. Don't you want to get just one little story be seen by 9 whole people!? You know you do! Reply in the comments if you're interested. Or, if you'd like to remain anonymous, email me.
P.S. - I have people that read the blog that are not "followers". So, technically, your story will be seen by more than 9 people!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Riding Bikes
My first picture post! Jill is all of a sudden into riding her bike. Just thought I'd share a pic.
It's (most likely) over
I don't think I ever truly understood the term "gut-wrenching" until this week. My guts literally feel like they're being squeezed by a fucking vice. Every moment of every day. I can barely eat. I almost choked on a sandwich yesterday because I started crying right at the moment I went to swallow and it felt like I was trying to swallow a bowling ball. To my defense, I was watching a documentary about an older man who lost his wife of 50 years to stomach cancer and he still visited her grave 3x a week for the past 10 years because "he missed his wife so much". It was quite touching. At the therapist's office I had a knot right between my ribs that was so uncomfortable I couldn't even sit.
The other night when I was lying in bed for 2 hours unable to sleep because my mind was racing so fast I had a realization that was so calming it immediately stopped my mind. It's over. That was my thought. It came to me so clear. The entire foundation of our entire relationship was sex. And now that that's gone there's no foundation. There is nothing left to "work on". We're not friends, we're not partners. It was all of a sudden so clear. That's exactly why our attempts over the past few years have been so futile. The sex was not getting better so the relationship was not getting better. (sorry, if this is a little TMI for some folks) How did I not see this before? I guess just plain ol' denial. At this point, I just cannot give Joe what he needs: sex. And Joe cannot give me what I need: an emotional connection.
I feel so stupid thinking that for all these years we were so "in love". When really we were so "in lust". Makes me feel like I was never truly loved. Just lusted after. The only thing we have in common are our two beautiful kids.
Joe will be moving out on a permanent basis over the next week or so. He suggested we continue to go to therapy at least a few more times and we might. I don't know. I'll decide closer to our appt date.
We are going to be floating two households. For a while at least. I really just can't fathom having to pack up my entire house anytime soon. I don't know how long that will last. We have to make a lot of financial changes to do this. We'll be sharing the kids. We haven't told them yet. We'll tell them when Joe finds a place and he's ready to move. Ugh, I cannot tell you how that sentence alone puts an even bigger knot in my stomach. Single parenting -- that's a whole different post!
The other night when I was lying in bed for 2 hours unable to sleep because my mind was racing so fast I had a realization that was so calming it immediately stopped my mind. It's over. That was my thought. It came to me so clear. The entire foundation of our entire relationship was sex. And now that that's gone there's no foundation. There is nothing left to "work on". We're not friends, we're not partners. It was all of a sudden so clear. That's exactly why our attempts over the past few years have been so futile. The sex was not getting better so the relationship was not getting better. (sorry, if this is a little TMI for some folks) How did I not see this before? I guess just plain ol' denial. At this point, I just cannot give Joe what he needs: sex. And Joe cannot give me what I need: an emotional connection.
I feel so stupid thinking that for all these years we were so "in love". When really we were so "in lust". Makes me feel like I was never truly loved. Just lusted after. The only thing we have in common are our two beautiful kids.
Joe will be moving out on a permanent basis over the next week or so. He suggested we continue to go to therapy at least a few more times and we might. I don't know. I'll decide closer to our appt date.
We are going to be floating two households. For a while at least. I really just can't fathom having to pack up my entire house anytime soon. I don't know how long that will last. We have to make a lot of financial changes to do this. We'll be sharing the kids. We haven't told them yet. We'll tell them when Joe finds a place and he's ready to move. Ugh, I cannot tell you how that sentence alone puts an even bigger knot in my stomach. Single parenting -- that's a whole different post!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
And the truth comes out.
So for a while now I have had the feeling that something was just not making sense with Joe. From the things that he's saying to the things that he's doing. Something was just fishy. And tonight, it came out. After looking him straight in the eyeballs and asking him 20 times to tell me the truth, Joe admitted he has been dating another woman. And I found this out about an hour before our first counseling session. Oh the joy.
He was getting annoyed with me because I kept saying "dating". Because, at first he tried to tell me it was only one date. It took me telling him 20 times to stop lying for him to admit he met her more than once. This is a 10 year long "friend" of his. A woman he says he knows wants to be with him. He says he won't apologize for doing it. He needed to do it. Oh, and he's been talking to his friends about it. Really? Really?
What am I supposed to do with this? Do you know how many lies it took for him to pull off this ONE date? How many times he lied straight to my face when I confronted him about it (well if you can do simple addition, about 40 as stated above)? Do you know what it feels like to be lied to straight to your face like that? It sucks.
Some sick part of me knows that I totally drove him to do this to me. And that I deserve this. But still, the little trust I had left in him is completely shattered. In one instant, my husband became the lying cheating husband. It sucks. Although, he insists nothing happened between them. If that's the truth.
Oh, and counseling? Waste of time. First of all, the doctor was close to 15 min late for our 45 min session. And we cut off exactly at ending time. Ugh. Just about everything that Joe and I talked about we have actually already talked about. So not too much new stuff came out. I know it's only the first session. We'll keep going. Can't wait to see what comes out next.
Let me ask you guys, does being separated from your spouse give you the right to date other people?
He was getting annoyed with me because I kept saying "dating". Because, at first he tried to tell me it was only one date. It took me telling him 20 times to stop lying for him to admit he met her more than once. This is a 10 year long "friend" of his. A woman he says he knows wants to be with him. He says he won't apologize for doing it. He needed to do it. Oh, and he's been talking to his friends about it. Really? Really?
What am I supposed to do with this? Do you know how many lies it took for him to pull off this ONE date? How many times he lied straight to my face when I confronted him about it (well if you can do simple addition, about 40 as stated above)? Do you know what it feels like to be lied to straight to your face like that? It sucks.
Some sick part of me knows that I totally drove him to do this to me. And that I deserve this. But still, the little trust I had left in him is completely shattered. In one instant, my husband became the lying cheating husband. It sucks. Although, he insists nothing happened between them. If that's the truth.
Oh, and counseling? Waste of time. First of all, the doctor was close to 15 min late for our 45 min session. And we cut off exactly at ending time. Ugh. Just about everything that Joe and I talked about we have actually already talked about. So not too much new stuff came out. I know it's only the first session. We'll keep going. Can't wait to see what comes out next.
Let me ask you guys, does being separated from your spouse give you the right to date other people?
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Spring Break
This is the first time in 3 years I haven't taken the week off with Liam for our Spring Break. This week happens to be the start of March Madness which is my busiest week at work. So Joe has been home with the kids doing all kinds of fun stuff with them. He took them to the Miami Zoo today.
Since Jill doesn't have to be to school until 8:30 we have all been staying in bed a little later. Getting out of bed at 7:15 is a treat for me. Although, Monday morning was tough. I was so excited about it being light out until 8pm that I totally forgot that I would be waking up in pitch blackness after daylight savings. Takes a few weeks to get used to that. I have another 5 long weeks until I get a week off. But then my brother and his family come to visit! YAY!!!
We have been totally off our usual schedule. We have been staying up late watching TV, instead of reading books at bedtime. The kids have been staying out until 7:30 playing outside with their friends. I do love this time of year. I know you northerners probably love spring most since those harsh winter conditions are behind you but I love summer best of all. And, honestly, it practically feels like summer here right now anyway. I was sitting in the drive way last night, drinking a beer, watching the kids ride their bikes and talking with the neighbors a bit. It's a good time to be alive peeps. If I had my way I would fill up my block with all my friends and family. We could all meet outside drink a few beers, watch the kids play and chat. Like every night. Sounds like paradise to me.
Happy St. Pat's Day everyone! Miss you all.
Since Jill doesn't have to be to school until 8:30 we have all been staying in bed a little later. Getting out of bed at 7:15 is a treat for me. Although, Monday morning was tough. I was so excited about it being light out until 8pm that I totally forgot that I would be waking up in pitch blackness after daylight savings. Takes a few weeks to get used to that. I have another 5 long weeks until I get a week off. But then my brother and his family come to visit! YAY!!!
We have been totally off our usual schedule. We have been staying up late watching TV, instead of reading books at bedtime. The kids have been staying out until 7:30 playing outside with their friends. I do love this time of year. I know you northerners probably love spring most since those harsh winter conditions are behind you but I love summer best of all. And, honestly, it practically feels like summer here right now anyway. I was sitting in the drive way last night, drinking a beer, watching the kids ride their bikes and talking with the neighbors a bit. It's a good time to be alive peeps. If I had my way I would fill up my block with all my friends and family. We could all meet outside drink a few beers, watch the kids play and chat. Like every night. Sounds like paradise to me.
Happy St. Pat's Day everyone! Miss you all.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Therapy
So Joe and I have decided that we are going to start couples counseling. Neither one of us have really believed in therapy in the past but at this point I guess it can't hurt. In talking to two couples we know that have been through a separation, both couples have said they benefited from counseling. I guess, who are we to knock it until we've tried it.
Apparently I have pretty awesome insurance through work. It will cost us very little out of pocket. Woohoo! Yay CBS!
I know that I've blogged a lot about the pain I have been going through and sometimes it may seem that I am bashing my husband. I don't mean it to be that way. I'm just trying to get stuff off my chest. The truth is, I am actually very grateful to have a husband that actually still cares and loves me enough to be working through our problems together. And is willing to do whatever it takes to work it out. This is not an easy situation for either one of us. The way I see it, he could have left by now. He could have left years ago. Somewhere in between denial and true love he chose to stick it out with me. And for that, I love him.
Thank you to everyone who has sent well wishes our way. It's good to know we have so many people pulling for us!
Apparently I have pretty awesome insurance through work. It will cost us very little out of pocket. Woohoo! Yay CBS!
I know that I've blogged a lot about the pain I have been going through and sometimes it may seem that I am bashing my husband. I don't mean it to be that way. I'm just trying to get stuff off my chest. The truth is, I am actually very grateful to have a husband that actually still cares and loves me enough to be working through our problems together. And is willing to do whatever it takes to work it out. This is not an easy situation for either one of us. The way I see it, he could have left by now. He could have left years ago. Somewhere in between denial and true love he chose to stick it out with me. And for that, I love him.
Thank you to everyone who has sent well wishes our way. It's good to know we have so many people pulling for us!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
It's official: I'm a basket case
~~Sigh~~
I'm driving to happy hour the other night and I'm just crying the whole way there. So I force myself to hang out with these people that I have absolutely no interest in hanging out with. (no offense to them, I just wasn't in the mood). It's like I just want to burst into the place and start screaming "My marriage is falling apart people! I don't want to hear about your stupid kid, your stupid wedding plans or your stupid trip to the farmers market! This shit is so meaningless! I don't care! Nobody cares what I'm going through!" In reality, these people don't even know what I'm going through. But I'm just so mad that the world continues to spin while I am on the verge of divorce! This is so terrible of me, I know. I know. I believe it's called misdirected hostility. Because really I think it's Joe that I want to be screaming at "Don't you see what you're doing to me!? Don't you even fucking care!? Do you even miss me!?" This is so terrible of me, I know. I know. I have two beers and say I have to leave. I cry the whole drive home, bee line it for my room at 8:30 at night and cry myself to sleep.
At the John Mellencamp concert I just burst out crying right in the middle of Check It Out. And it didn't stop for the rest of the concert. People around me must've been like "OMG, this girl is a hot mess" Of course, the couple RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME couldn't keep their hands off each other. The guy is stroking her hair, they are longingly gazing into each other eyes, passionately making out right there in their seats in front of everyone. It was to a point where I would find myself staring at them (I can't even imagine the face I must've had on) and completely distracted from the show. But I wasn't crying because of their PDA's. I mean, good for them, they're in love. But really, why did they have to be sitting right in front of ME? (and seriously, who pays like $100 for concert tickets when you could've just stayed in your bedroom playing some John Mellencamp CD's all night with your lover? Dumbasses.)
I watch a movie or even a TV show and I'm crying. I sit at work and write out these posts and I'm crying. I think I have cried more in the last 7 weeks then I have in the last 7 years. Really, I'm not a crier, under usual circumstances. I feel like the only time I'm half way normal is when I'm around my kids. They are really just the only thing that bring me happiness lately.
OMG, you guys must think that I'm just ready to jump off a bridge or something. I'm not. I know these posts are getting so depressing but really it helps me get this stuff out of my head and makes me feel so much better. After I write a post, I could go for like 10 whole minutes without thinking about this entire situation.
Love you guys. Thanks for taking the time to enter my world for a few minutes.
I'm driving to happy hour the other night and I'm just crying the whole way there. So I force myself to hang out with these people that I have absolutely no interest in hanging out with. (no offense to them, I just wasn't in the mood). It's like I just want to burst into the place and start screaming "My marriage is falling apart people! I don't want to hear about your stupid kid, your stupid wedding plans or your stupid trip to the farmers market! This shit is so meaningless! I don't care! Nobody cares what I'm going through!" In reality, these people don't even know what I'm going through. But I'm just so mad that the world continues to spin while I am on the verge of divorce! This is so terrible of me, I know. I know. I believe it's called misdirected hostility. Because really I think it's Joe that I want to be screaming at "Don't you see what you're doing to me!? Don't you even fucking care!? Do you even miss me!?" This is so terrible of me, I know. I know. I have two beers and say I have to leave. I cry the whole drive home, bee line it for my room at 8:30 at night and cry myself to sleep.
At the John Mellencamp concert I just burst out crying right in the middle of Check It Out. And it didn't stop for the rest of the concert. People around me must've been like "OMG, this girl is a hot mess" Of course, the couple RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME couldn't keep their hands off each other. The guy is stroking her hair, they are longingly gazing into each other eyes, passionately making out right there in their seats in front of everyone. It was to a point where I would find myself staring at them (I can't even imagine the face I must've had on) and completely distracted from the show. But I wasn't crying because of their PDA's. I mean, good for them, they're in love. But really, why did they have to be sitting right in front of ME? (and seriously, who pays like $100 for concert tickets when you could've just stayed in your bedroom playing some John Mellencamp CD's all night with your lover? Dumbasses.)
I watch a movie or even a TV show and I'm crying. I sit at work and write out these posts and I'm crying. I think I have cried more in the last 7 weeks then I have in the last 7 years. Really, I'm not a crier, under usual circumstances. I feel like the only time I'm half way normal is when I'm around my kids. They are really just the only thing that bring me happiness lately.
OMG, you guys must think that I'm just ready to jump off a bridge or something. I'm not. I know these posts are getting so depressing but really it helps me get this stuff out of my head and makes me feel so much better. After I write a post, I could go for like 10 whole minutes without thinking about this entire situation.
Love you guys. Thanks for taking the time to enter my world for a few minutes.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Two words: JOHN MELLENCAMP
Joe IM's me yeseterday "my company is giving out Mellencamp tickets for the concert tonight. Do you want them? Should I put my name in?" I say "YES!". About 10 min later he IM's me back "I got the tickets". OMG, I was so excited. I put my name in for tickets all the time at my work and I never win. Turns out NO ONE else at his company even put their names in. This is just crazy to me. It's John Mellencamp people!! Now I've seen him in concert before but, no, this was quite possibly one of the best concerts I have EVER seen.
So the venue was gorgeous. Broward Center for the Performing Arts. I had never been there before. It's an opera house. With the balconies going up along the wall, just like you see on TV. He he. Big hanging glass chandeliers in the lobby. Wood walls and plush seats. Lots of big giant windows overlooking Fort Lauderdale. Gorgeous. Small venue, probably around 3,000. Really, I don't think there was a bad seat in the house.
The opening act was a documentary movie made about John and the making of his latest album, No Better Than This. It was very interesting. Not sure who the filmmaker was. One of his long time friends. A lot of touring footage, studio footage and a lot of the new songs which I was unfamiliar with. And by "studio" footage I mean, this teeny tiny room that looked like an apartment where Johnny Cash and Elvis had recorded! John was pretty impressed to be standing in the same room making music where some of his musical idols had stood and recorded.
So finally, John takes the stage. Opens with The Authority Song. Not one of my faves but I remember it from being a kid. At any given time, there is up to 7 musicians on the stage. There were guitars, bass, drums, violin, accordion, keyboards. The next 3 to 4 songs were new songs so I didn't recognize them. They were very "country" but I didn't mind, I actually liked it. Like Johnny Cash country, not Tim McGraw country. Then he went into an a capella version of Cherry Bomb. Which I love. Awesome. A country version of Jack and Diane which was aaawwweeesssooommmeeee (imagine me singing that with a high pitched voice). If it came out on the radio today I would listen to it. I guess when you perform that song for close to 30 years you have to change it up a little to keep it fresh. But one of my faves. An acoustic version of Small Town. Beautiful. An instrumental (violin and accordion) of a song that sort of sounded familiar but I couldn't quite place it. In between all the stuff I knew there was a lot of stuff I didn't know. I wasn't sure if they were new or just stuff I've never heard before. But I really liked a lot of it. A lot of storytelling in between songs. Stories about his grandma and family. A story about a guy he met walking around the streets of Ft. Lauderdale that day. A story-turned-song about how he met the Devil when he was 15. Who knows how much of it was true but it was amazing listening to it all. I noticed that the violin and accordion were incorporated into A LOT of the songs. Just beautiful. It really brought a whole new element to the songs. Who knew the accordion could be so rockin'?? But the whole time I'm thinking how if he doesn't play Pink Houses, I'm gonna be bummed. Of course he did, backed up by the full band, second to last song.
One funny thing happened. This song started that I thought sounded familiar but I couldn't quite place it. Then he sang the first line "What if I came knockin'" and all of a sudden all the words started coming to me. Like every one. I was thinking to myself, OMG I used to love this song yet I had totally forgotten about it. I couldn't for the life of me even remember how I knew this song. Was it a radio song? Or a song from one his albums that was never a radio song? I really don't remember. But it was awesome.
His storytelling/songwriting is just so amazing. His songs tell stories that touch your soul. I mean, there's plenty of room for the Britney Spears and Linkin Parks of the world but absolutely nothing compares to a guy and a guitar telling stories that make you feel. Make you cry. Just amazing. I am so glad I did not miss this concert.
Johns vocals were absolutely amazing the entire show. No getting drowned out by the overly loud instruments or backup singers. He sang every song. No letting the crowd do half his singing for him. Trust me, I've seen plenty of artists, even artists that I love, rely a lot on letting the instruments, backup singers and crowd do most of their singing for them because their vocals are not so good outside of the studio.
Little Pink Houses for you and me y'all!
So the venue was gorgeous. Broward Center for the Performing Arts. I had never been there before. It's an opera house. With the balconies going up along the wall, just like you see on TV. He he. Big hanging glass chandeliers in the lobby. Wood walls and plush seats. Lots of big giant windows overlooking Fort Lauderdale. Gorgeous. Small venue, probably around 3,000. Really, I don't think there was a bad seat in the house.
The opening act was a documentary movie made about John and the making of his latest album, No Better Than This. It was very interesting. Not sure who the filmmaker was. One of his long time friends. A lot of touring footage, studio footage and a lot of the new songs which I was unfamiliar with. And by "studio" footage I mean, this teeny tiny room that looked like an apartment where Johnny Cash and Elvis had recorded! John was pretty impressed to be standing in the same room making music where some of his musical idols had stood and recorded.
So finally, John takes the stage. Opens with The Authority Song. Not one of my faves but I remember it from being a kid. At any given time, there is up to 7 musicians on the stage. There were guitars, bass, drums, violin, accordion, keyboards. The next 3 to 4 songs were new songs so I didn't recognize them. They were very "country" but I didn't mind, I actually liked it. Like Johnny Cash country, not Tim McGraw country. Then he went into an a capella version of Cherry Bomb. Which I love. Awesome. A country version of Jack and Diane which was aaawwweeesssooommmeeee (imagine me singing that with a high pitched voice). If it came out on the radio today I would listen to it. I guess when you perform that song for close to 30 years you have to change it up a little to keep it fresh. But one of my faves. An acoustic version of Small Town. Beautiful. An instrumental (violin and accordion) of a song that sort of sounded familiar but I couldn't quite place it. In between all the stuff I knew there was a lot of stuff I didn't know. I wasn't sure if they were new or just stuff I've never heard before. But I really liked a lot of it. A lot of storytelling in between songs. Stories about his grandma and family. A story about a guy he met walking around the streets of Ft. Lauderdale that day. A story-turned-song about how he met the Devil when he was 15. Who knows how much of it was true but it was amazing listening to it all. I noticed that the violin and accordion were incorporated into A LOT of the songs. Just beautiful. It really brought a whole new element to the songs. Who knew the accordion could be so rockin'?? But the whole time I'm thinking how if he doesn't play Pink Houses, I'm gonna be bummed. Of course he did, backed up by the full band, second to last song.
One funny thing happened. This song started that I thought sounded familiar but I couldn't quite place it. Then he sang the first line "What if I came knockin'" and all of a sudden all the words started coming to me. Like every one. I was thinking to myself, OMG I used to love this song yet I had totally forgotten about it. I couldn't for the life of me even remember how I knew this song. Was it a radio song? Or a song from one his albums that was never a radio song? I really don't remember. But it was awesome.
His storytelling/songwriting is just so amazing. His songs tell stories that touch your soul. I mean, there's plenty of room for the Britney Spears and Linkin Parks of the world but absolutely nothing compares to a guy and a guitar telling stories that make you feel. Make you cry. Just amazing. I am so glad I did not miss this concert.
Johns vocals were absolutely amazing the entire show. No getting drowned out by the overly loud instruments or backup singers. He sang every song. No letting the crowd do half his singing for him. Trust me, I've seen plenty of artists, even artists that I love, rely a lot on letting the instruments, backup singers and crowd do most of their singing for them because their vocals are not so good outside of the studio.
Little Pink Houses for you and me y'all!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
My sweet, sweet Liam
Does anyone watch "the middle"? Liam reminds me of Axl. So adorable but not so much going on in the common sense department.
I was cooking a chicken in the oven one day and it had been roasting for over an hour making the house smell really yummy. Liam comes in from outside and says "Ick, what is that smell?" I happened to be standing at the sink stirring up a container of Crystal Light. Before I could answer him he says "Oh, I know, it's Crystal Light". Yes Liam, this container of Crystal Light is making the whole house smell like yummy roasted chicken.
This morning I told Liam I had lunch money for him. He asked where it was. I told him it was on the table "in the pile". I had a sweater, Liam's lunch check and a package of instant oatmeal all stacked in a pile. So he walks up to the pile, grabs the oatmeal package and says "is this it?" Liam, that is a package of oatmeal! Does it look like money? Good Lord child.
So let me ask, is common sense something that kicks in at a certain age or do you have to be born with it? All I have to say is, thank God he is so cute. I love that boy.
I was cooking a chicken in the oven one day and it had been roasting for over an hour making the house smell really yummy. Liam comes in from outside and says "Ick, what is that smell?" I happened to be standing at the sink stirring up a container of Crystal Light. Before I could answer him he says "Oh, I know, it's Crystal Light". Yes Liam, this container of Crystal Light is making the whole house smell like yummy roasted chicken.
This morning I told Liam I had lunch money for him. He asked where it was. I told him it was on the table "in the pile". I had a sweater, Liam's lunch check and a package of instant oatmeal all stacked in a pile. So he walks up to the pile, grabs the oatmeal package and says "is this it?" Liam, that is a package of oatmeal! Does it look like money? Good Lord child.
So let me ask, is common sense something that kicks in at a certain age or do you have to be born with it? All I have to say is, thank God he is so cute. I love that boy.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
So lonely
I'm going nuts people. I am so lonely. I thought I was lonely all those months when I was laying in bed next to a husband that was a million miles away. But at least someone was laying there. But coming home and cooking for just me and the kids, watching TV alone every night, going to bed by myself every night. Every time I have a little thought or complaint or observation there is no one to share it with. Now this is lonely. I tell myself things like "well you better get used to it. it's going to be worse then this when he leaves you". I try to push thoughts like that out of my head. But sometimes I feel like I need to be preparing myself for the inevitable. Some days I think to myself "there is no way that he will leave and break up our family. I know he won't just give up that easily. He loves us too much". But other days I swear he has one foot out the door and he just won't tell me.
Everyday is an emotional roller coaster of optimism, fear, sadness, guilt, paranoia, loneliness. And probably five more that I haven't listed. And sometimes the whole range of emotions happens in about a 20 minute span. From one minute to the next, I'm fine, then I'm crying. I'm optimistic, then I'm convinced that he's going to leave me without warning.
I'm trying to play by his rules. But I'm going crazy. I have a gazillion thoughts/questions/emotions and I can't talk to him about it. You see, Joe doesn't exactly believe in communication. He doesn't talk about anything and doesn't think that talking fixes anything. At least when you're in the head of the other person you know what's going on and you can deal and cope. But when you have no idea where the other person is in their head you can't help but always think the worst in every situation. The mere statement "I'm going to happy hour this Friday" has me thinking he's running off with another woman and I'll never see him again. He'll stop giving me money to pay the bills and support the kids, we'll be destitute, we'll lose the house. It's fucking crazy I know. I.know! In my head I'm thinking: Well, why? With who? Who's going to be there? When are you going to be home? But outwardly, I say "OK". Because I'm not allowed to be part of his life right now. I'm giving him the space he asked for. When you're secure in your relationship you don't have thoughts like this. But when you're not it's the only kind of thoughts you have. Now my logical side knows this is just crazy and is not really going to happen. But my insecure side says this is totally logical and can totally happen.
Joe told me at the beginning of the separation that I needed to "hang out with my friends more". And that he "wanted to live his own life for a while". This is a hard pill for me to swallow because I haven't lived my own life for 12 years.
It's as if there is a picture of Joe and I and I am being cut out of it. From my point of view it seems like he is just moving on with his life so easily. Moving on, yet still tied to a comfortable married lifestyle. Having his cake and eating it too, if you will. Happy hour every weekend. His 5k races almost every weekend. Still gets to see his kids everyday. Come home to comfortable home. At first, I was hanging out with friends more. Going to bars more. Drinking more. But I realize that I don't really want any of that. I don't need any of that. I don't want to spend more time away from my kids. I just want to be with my family. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I won't feel bad for that. I wonder if he has moved past those feelings and now wants to live a "funner" life. One that does not involve sitting home with a wife and kids every night and weekend doing the same old boring stuff.
He is waiting for a "sign" that we "were meant for each other". A sign from who or what you ask? Yeah, I wonder that too. The easter bunny, perhaps? I'm not trying to mock but I just don't get it. My fate rests in the hands of an unseen force and that's frustrating. This makes me think that Joe is actually struggling with whether or not he wants to be with me at all. This puts me in a panic because that's not my struggle at all. My struggle is figuring out how I am going to make long lasting positive changes within myself to stop alienating, rejecting and deflating my husband. I don't think that hanging out with my friends getting drunk every weekend is going to help me figure that out.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm being desperate. Am I trying to hang on to a relationship that just doesn't work? Am I trying to hang on to a man that just doesn't want me anymore? I don't know. I don't know how you know. What I do know is that I have never had the thought that I want to live my life without Joe. That my life would be better without him. That's my gauge. That's how I know that I'm not ready to give up. I don't need a sign from anyone or anything to know that. I just want us to be happy again. I feel like the day I say to myself that I think my life would be better off without him then that's the day I know it's over.
Through all this panic and loneliness and uncertainty Itry to keep a smile on my face and a positive attitude that things will work out the way they are supposed to. There's nothing I can do to change my fate. Because, really, it is GREAT to be alive. I have to remember that every day. Even in tough times, I am truly blessed in life. Although, there are those moments when I see someone happy in love or someone boasting how fabulous their relationship is and I just want to punch them in the face. But I don't because I know that I can't be bitter and I have no right to ruin someone else's happiness. And deep down I'm just jealous that it's not me. I want to be the person that someone else wants to punch in the face. Ha ha.
Our 8th anniversary is in 4 weeks. At this time Joe says we'll "go on a date" and see where we stand. Should I be "auditioning" for him? Be on my very best behavior to convince him I'm the one? By this time it will be well over 4 mos that we've been out with each other. Of course, I have a whole fantasy in my head about how this is going to go. But, we all know about ruined plans, don't we?
I know this post is over the top emotional, please don't post comments. I don't want everyone feeling so sorry for me. I'm trucking along as usual. It is GREAT to be alive. I'm just trying to get these deep dark thoughts out of my head. They are literally weighing on me like a ton of bricks.
Everyday is an emotional roller coaster of optimism, fear, sadness, guilt, paranoia, loneliness. And probably five more that I haven't listed. And sometimes the whole range of emotions happens in about a 20 minute span. From one minute to the next, I'm fine, then I'm crying. I'm optimistic, then I'm convinced that he's going to leave me without warning.
I'm trying to play by his rules. But I'm going crazy. I have a gazillion thoughts/questions/emotions and I can't talk to him about it. You see, Joe doesn't exactly believe in communication. He doesn't talk about anything and doesn't think that talking fixes anything. At least when you're in the head of the other person you know what's going on and you can deal and cope. But when you have no idea where the other person is in their head you can't help but always think the worst in every situation. The mere statement "I'm going to happy hour this Friday" has me thinking he's running off with another woman and I'll never see him again. He'll stop giving me money to pay the bills and support the kids, we'll be destitute, we'll lose the house. It's fucking crazy I know. I.know! In my head I'm thinking: Well, why? With who? Who's going to be there? When are you going to be home? But outwardly, I say "OK". Because I'm not allowed to be part of his life right now. I'm giving him the space he asked for. When you're secure in your relationship you don't have thoughts like this. But when you're not it's the only kind of thoughts you have. Now my logical side knows this is just crazy and is not really going to happen. But my insecure side says this is totally logical and can totally happen.
Joe told me at the beginning of the separation that I needed to "hang out with my friends more". And that he "wanted to live his own life for a while". This is a hard pill for me to swallow because I haven't lived my own life for 12 years.
It's as if there is a picture of Joe and I and I am being cut out of it. From my point of view it seems like he is just moving on with his life so easily. Moving on, yet still tied to a comfortable married lifestyle. Having his cake and eating it too, if you will. Happy hour every weekend. His 5k races almost every weekend. Still gets to see his kids everyday. Come home to comfortable home. At first, I was hanging out with friends more. Going to bars more. Drinking more. But I realize that I don't really want any of that. I don't need any of that. I don't want to spend more time away from my kids. I just want to be with my family. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I won't feel bad for that. I wonder if he has moved past those feelings and now wants to live a "funner" life. One that does not involve sitting home with a wife and kids every night and weekend doing the same old boring stuff.
He is waiting for a "sign" that we "were meant for each other". A sign from who or what you ask? Yeah, I wonder that too. The easter bunny, perhaps? I'm not trying to mock but I just don't get it. My fate rests in the hands of an unseen force and that's frustrating. This makes me think that Joe is actually struggling with whether or not he wants to be with me at all. This puts me in a panic because that's not my struggle at all. My struggle is figuring out how I am going to make long lasting positive changes within myself to stop alienating, rejecting and deflating my husband. I don't think that hanging out with my friends getting drunk every weekend is going to help me figure that out.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm being desperate. Am I trying to hang on to a relationship that just doesn't work? Am I trying to hang on to a man that just doesn't want me anymore? I don't know. I don't know how you know. What I do know is that I have never had the thought that I want to live my life without Joe. That my life would be better without him. That's my gauge. That's how I know that I'm not ready to give up. I don't need a sign from anyone or anything to know that. I just want us to be happy again. I feel like the day I say to myself that I think my life would be better off without him then that's the day I know it's over.
Through all this panic and loneliness and uncertainty I
Our 8th anniversary is in 4 weeks. At this time Joe says we'll "go on a date" and see where we stand. Should I be "auditioning" for him? Be on my very best behavior to convince him I'm the one? By this time it will be well over 4 mos that we've been out with each other. Of course, I have a whole fantasy in my head about how this is going to go. But, we all know about ruined plans, don't we?
I know this post is over the top emotional, please don't post comments. I don't want everyone feeling so sorry for me. I'm trucking along as usual. It is GREAT to be alive. I'm just trying to get these deep dark thoughts out of my head. They are literally weighing on me like a ton of bricks.
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