Do you suffer from Bitchface? Apparently I do...

I was listening to the radio yesterday and they were doing a segment on the "Bitchface".  Bitchface is when a woman has a permanent scowl on her face even though she is perfectly happy and/or content.  All these women were calling up saying stuff like "I know I have bitchface b/c people are ALWAYS asking me 'what's wrong?' or 'why are you mad?' even though I am in a perfectly good mood when they ask."  And I'm thinking to myself, I get that ALL THE TIME.  If I'm not actively engaged with someone, the natural look on my face, apparently, always looks bitchy.  I have literally heard this from people my entire life.  I feel so relieved to know that it has a name now.  Bitchface.  Joe has certainly "accused" me of being mad all the time.  Apparently, he just didn't realize that I suffer from a real condition.  Nor did I.  And, obviously, I am not alone.

Over the past few months, I know I have had permanent bitchface because, indeed, I have been feeling bitchy.  The look on my face certainly let people know "leave me alone.  I am not interested in talking to you."  But recently, I have been trying to be aware of how I must look to other people and I consciously (btw, I spelled consciously correct the very first time I typed it, I'm so proud of myself) try to keep a "soft" look on my face so I seem more approachable to people.  What guy wants to approach the bitchface in a bar?  Not many, I'm assuming.

So guys next time you see me with bitchface, don't ask what's wrong, just have pity on me.  It's a real thing.  I wonder if there's a pill I can take?

Uh oh, I feel a pity party coming on...

Guys, I've been through break ups before.  Albeit, they were a LONG time ago.  But this one seems so monumental.  So life altering.  And, in reality, it is.  I just can't seem to get past my feelings of "why is this happening to us?"  Oh, woe is me, I know.  I'm the only person in the world that's ever been dumped.  Sometimes I am so self-absorbed that I actually forget there are more horrible things going on in the world.  That other people have problems too.

There have been times through this separation where I have compared it to going through a death.  And in some ways it is.  The death of all the dreams I had of Joe and I raising our family together.  The death of my relationship with someone that I was positive would always have my back.  The death of my marriage vows that I took so seriously the day I got married.  Sometimes I wake up and "forget" the real situation I'm in, then it hits me like a ton of bricks.  Pity party starting in 3... 2... 1...

{pity party start}


Joe has other women in his life now.  He is forming relationships with other women.  Yes, I write women because it's plural.  4 weeks after he moved out of the home we built together he was already meeting other women.  How could he have moved on so quickly?  How could he be "there" so quickly?  How could he sit across from the table at dinner and look into the face of someone who is not me?  How could he lay in bed next to someone who doesn't smell like me?  How come love isn't enough in a relationship?  I thought he loved me?  How do you not fight for the one you love?  How could he dismiss me so easily?  These questions go through my mind just about everyday.  The thought of being with someone else right now seems like a million miles away to me.  And I'm walking those million miles with a broken foot and no water.

{pity party end}


I realize Joe and I are in two totally different positions.  He is the dumper, I am the dumpee.  It's always harder being the dumpee.  My ego feels left behind that he was able to be with other people so quickly and I am not.  But certainly, I'm not going to rush things just to save face.  But hey, if you guys have any single friends that would be interested in a slightly chunky, super flabby, dangerously close to 40 (OMG, when the heck did that happen?) semi-single mom of 2, send him my way!  Just kidding (sort of).  I've been enjoying being my own person in the world again.  Answering only to myself.  Eating dinner in front of the TV (major no no when the kids are home), walking around in my underwear (thank goodness for those new curtains in my bedroom) and taking a nap whenever I damn well please (although, I noticed that I am not napping nearly as much as I thought I would, weird.).  Maybe the single life ain't so bad after all...

Facebook is getting annoying

I suppose it's not Facebook itself, but rather, the users of Facebook.  At the risk of offending some people that might read this blog, here are some of my most hated types of posts:

• the vague post - i.e. - "praying for answers...tomorrow is going to be a big day!"  I think sometimes people forget that people on Facebook are not with them 24/7 so therefore, when you post something this vague, PLEASE TELL US WHAT THE EFF YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!  And please, when someone comments on your post and asks "what's going on?", please DON'T write back and inform us, but rather, keep us in suspense forever.
•  the honeymooner post - i.e. - "Happy one week anniversary to my husband! This time a week ago I was getting all dolled up for my walk down the aisle! Thank you to everyone who has posted photos of our special day!"  Oh good Lord, are we going to see a happy anniversary message to your new husband every week?  EVERYONE has one of these in their friends list.
• the WAY-TOO-MUCH-INFORMATION post - i.e. - "was able to take a shower! Woohoo! It is the little things in life that make me happy. Doing a bit better. Still weak (you would be too if you have been laying down for a week) and can only walk a little at a time but I will get there. Baby steps. Thanks for the phone calls and messages:) You all rock! (and thank you to my hubby because he is my rock and has been doing everything. He is awesome:)"  Wow, I thought Facebook had a character limit for posts?  Obviously, it is higher than 406, which is what that post is.  Facebook, get on that.  Be more like Twitter, 140 characters or less.  Otherwise, just start a damn blog.

• the everyone must know every minute of what I'm doing post - i.e. -"We off to the wild wild west......"  Fabulous.  Are you there yet?  I'm sure you'll let us all know in about 20 minutes when you "check in".

Honestly, I could go on and on... and these are actual posts that I've had in my news feed from the past week.  And don't even get me started on the poor grammar and misspellings.  Then there are people that never do anything on Facebook and I kind of wonder why they are even on there in the first place.  I am EXTREMELY picky about who I am friends with on Facebook.  And I have no problem unfriending people for whatever ridiculous reason I see fit.  I'm a little like Seinfeld in that way.  I will break up with your ass if you annoy me.  But, of course I am not one of these annoying Facebook users.  I mean, check out some of my gems from the past month:


8am root canal. not happy about this at all.

i could seriously eat a whole can of pringles pickle flavored chips. YUUUMMMYYYY!!!!

was listening to the radio -- heard one song called california king bed then another song called good girls don't grow on trees. seriously, who writes this crap?

ice cream shakes with my punkies on a HOT SoFla day! life is good.

Who wouldn't want to be friends with that? 

Guys, this is all in fun.  If you recognize any of these posts as your own, I still love you.  BUT, I might have to unfriend you.  No offense.

My boy is growing up

I picked Liam up from his last day of school last Thursday.  I was expecting him to be jumping around all excited that "yay, it's the last day of school!"  Instead, he's all mopey and dragging his backpack on the floor.  I ask him, "what's wrong, why aren't you excited?"  He says, I'm gonna miss school and my friends.  So I put my arm around him and tell him it will be OK.  I expected him to cheer up once we got home.  Instead, a few hours later he is still acting mopey.  I ask again, "what's wrong Liam?"  Answer, "I miss my friends and Ben isn't coming back to school next year".  Aaahhh, Ben.  Ben is his BFF he says.  Ben is moving away he says.  Liam is experiencing his first heart break, I realize.

The night goes on and I eventually put the kids to bed.  I'm brushing my teeth and in walks Liam all teary eyed and announces "I miss school and Ben".  WOW.  I don't think I've ever seen him crying over feelings for another human being before.  Ever.  He didn't even cry when we told him Joe was moving out of our house.

So we climb into my bed and I ask him if I can snuggle him.  Liam doesn't snuggle.  Now, we're snuggling and he is just sobbing crying about how much he is going to miss Ben and his school.  So we have a touching conversation about Ben and life and he tells me how much it's just so unfair sometimes.  I know kid.  It was an amazing watching-my-kid-mature-right-in-front-of-my-eyes bonding moment and I thank God I was able to be there with him and share it with him.  I don't know if I made him feel any better but I hope I did.

After he fell asleep and I was laying there I became a little sad that Joe wasn't able to be there to share in that moment.  And I became sad to know that Liam and Jill will have moments like that when I am not around and I will not be able to always be there for them.  I am will be missing out on 50% of my kids' "moments".  Liam, you don't have to tell me about how life is so unfair sometimes.  I know kid.

I think I'm becoming a shop-a-holic

I think about going shopping almost all the time.  If I'm not shopping in stores, I'm shopping (or at least browsing) online.  Over the past 3 weeks I've bought new pants, new purse, unmentionables, picture frames, paint and even a shower curtain (I removed those ugly glass doors and put up a nice curtain in the kids' bathroom).  Did I really need all this stuff?  Some I did, some I didn't.  I just bought some new curtains for my bedroom which I "needed".  But really, I kind of did.  I have two windows in my bedroom that I have NEVER put any window treatments on.  They face the neighbors house.  We've had neighbors on that side for over a year already.  It was time.  (and they look fabulous by the way :))

I think about leaving work at lunchtime to go shopping (because I'm bored).  I want to go shopping on weeknights when I don't have the kids (because I'm bored).  I want to go shopping on weekends when I don't have the kids (because I'm bored).  Funny, I never really want to go shopping WITH the kids.  Constantly having to tell them to "stop running", "get off the floor" and "if you break that, you're paying for it" is NOT fun.  I think it's a combination of wanting to spend money and dreading being in the house all by myself.  Now, I'm not the kind of person that doesn't like to be alone.  I like alone time just fine.  BUT, I do find myself feeling a bit of dread just knowing I'm showing up to an empty house.  Once I'm in the house, and alone, I'm fine.  I guess I'm still getting used to this part.  And shopping seems to be filling that void right now.  It's emotional shopping -- I don't have a problem (and I really do stick to my budget).  Really.  But I can def see now how people get addicted to shopping, food, gambling, etc.  It literally, fills a void and feels good no matter how destructive it is.

The actual act of shopping is not always that fun.  It's the spending money part that leads to that endorphine rush that just feels so good.  Sometimes I have a hard time deciding on what to buy.  I will stand there for 10 min contemplating what item to choose, what color to choose, argue with myself over the price, "do I really need this?".  Then I just have to walk away, distract myself with something else and go back and make a decision.  You should've seen me trying to pick a shower curtain.  Yikes.  I had to walk away about 3 times and go back.  Just too much choice!

I've decided to replace the glass shower doors in my bathroom as well.  See you next month Kohl's!  I'll miss you until then...

Letting go.

It's been an interesting week guys.  After my last post about Joe and I things between us have changed drastically.  It's weird, after I found that email and confronted him about it I thought I was going to be really mad at him for a long time.  But it's actually had the exact opposite effect on me.  I feel more comfortable with him then I have in a very long time.  I haven't wanted to punch him in the face for over a week, LOL!!  I explained to Joe that just knowing the truth has set me free (so corny, I know, but it's TRUE!).  I have let go of all the expectations I had of him, the expectations I had of myself, the disappointment of unmet said expectations.  I explained to him that I was not upset with him about how he feels but rather how he approached the whole situation.  I also realize that, in Joe's mind, it was very hard for him to tell me the painful truth.  The truth that he didn't want to be with me anymore, the truth that his heart wasn't with me anymore, the truth that he wanted to be with other women.  Those things are hard to say to someone you have been with for so long.

Over the past week we've been talking very openly and honestly about the state of our relationship, our feelings and even dating of other people.  It has been the most we've talked and the most honest we've been with each other in a very long time.  It's surreal talking to your husband about a girl he met and went on a date with.  But like I told Joe, I feel like less of a fool knowing it's going on then thinking it's going on.  The "thinking" and the not knowing eat at you like a disease.  It becomes all consuming, all you can think about.  You, literally, become a crazy person.  A person you don't recognize.  A person you don't particularly like.  I don't like being that person.  I don't want to be that person.  I have let go of that person.  Sometimes I think it's a little sick and twisted and perverted of me to want to know about him and other woman but it just honestly makes me feel better.  Maybe it's because I know he talks to his friends about this stuff.  I feel like a fool knowing that everyone else knows except me!  Is that weird of me??  Be honest.

So where do we stand?  I don't know.  We're not getting back together anytime soon.  But at least communication has been open and honest.  I am living with no expectations at this point.  We'll see where it leads.  I've decided to continue going to counseling by myself as well.  Hopefully I can work a few things out.

In other news, I have a date this weekend!  Am I ready for this?  I don't know.  I have no expectations.  I just want to spend time with someone nice and have a little fun.  It's a little overwhelming.  I've thought about cancelling at least 5 times.  But I'm not going to.  It's just one date.

Animal free

For the first time since 1995 I am animal free!  Joe took Marley over the weekend.  No more puke piles all over the carpet to clean up.  No more litter box to clean.  No more scratches all over my feet from when he would attack my feet under the covers all night long.  No more incessant crying all night long.  No more psycho kitty.  No more scratching up my furniture (although all my furniture is completely wrecked because of him anyway).

I haven't screamed muttered the phrases "put the cat down!" "leave the cat alone!" or "get the cat out of that cabinet right now!" in about 5 days now.  How glorious...

The only thing that is freaking me out a little bit is when I hear a noise in the middle of the night.  I would always think to myself "oh, it's just the cat" patroling the house not an ax-wielding, raping, serial killer who is going to kidnap and torture me for the next 10 days before he kills me.

I could see myself never living with another animal for the rest of my life... besides my kids, of course.