Jillian, my saving grace?

Remember that time when I complained about doing homework with my kids?  I'm realizing that doing homework with Jillian is like the EXACT OPPOSITE of doing homework with Liam.  Jill gets these pamphlets of homework that we work on all week then she hands in on Friday.  Each Thursday in the pamphlet is the Math portion.  Usually about 6 sheets from her Math book.  We usually have this done by Tuesday.  The girl LOVES to do homework.  When we come home from school she gets all her homework out and organizes it all in front of her "OK Mommy, what do we do tonight?"  As we're going through the Math sheets she saves the "fun" ones for last.  Yes, the "fun" ones.  This girl is a breeze (who thought I would/could ever say that about Jillian?).  I have actually thanked her before for being so easy to do homework with.  WOW, what a difference this makes.  She's so awesome.

Just last night, I argued with Liam for no less than 15 minutes to get ONE Math sheet and his word list done.  All that homework together probably took him about 10 min to do.  It's incredibly frustrating.

Funny enough, they both seem to really like Math.  Since K that has easily been Liam's strongest subject.  I always loved Math as well.  It just always came easily to me.  But don't ask me what year the Declaration of Independence was signed or ask me to point out Greece on a globe.  History and Geography, def not my strong suits.  But I guess that's what I have Google for now.

Is this just a difference between boys and girls?  I also want to give a shout out to the universe for making one thing about Jillian easy.  Thanks, I really needed that.

Weird dreams

The other night, in my dream, I heard someone play 2 notes on a flute.  I woke up.  It was 4:30.  I kind of knew it was a dream but the sound was so clear it felt like it really happened.  Then I panicked, "OMG, that sound was REAL!"  I was in the house all alone so I immediately got that super scared panicky feeling.  I got up and surveyed the house.  Nothing was out of the ordinary so I went back to bed.  I was dreaming that there were people talking outside my window.  I remember feeling very annoyed that people were right outside my window talking while I was trying to sleep.  Then I heard someone say the name John as clearly as if they whispered it in my ear.  Once again, I woke up.  It was 6:27.  It sounded so real, I SWEAR, IT WAS REAL!  But this time I was less panicky.  I wasn't anywhere near as scared as when I heard those flute notes.  WEIRD!

I had a dream last week that I was visiting my ex boyfriend in jail (in present day).  Just like I did when we were dating (over 15 years ago).  Ha.  I remember thinking, "man, this is what the last 15 years of my life would've been like if I married this guy." 

Last night we had some crazy hurricane like storms roll in.  We were actually under a tornado watch.  Starting around 12:30 I could barely sleep because the wind and rain was so heavy.  I just kept hearing things banging around the patio and hitting my windows.  It was scary.

On a related note, I have been sleeping so much better lately.  It doesn't take me hours to fall asleep anymore.  I haven't blogged in the middle of the night, because I couldn't sleep, in months.  It's a good feeling.  I had started dreading going to bed because I knew I would just lay there for an hour or more trying to fall asleep.  I hate when you're so tired and you just can't fall asleep.

What is the universe trying to tell me?

Karaoke, anyone?

So you know how sometimes you think you're going to do something with your kids and OMG, IT'S GOING TO BE SO AWESOME!  But then, in the way that kids do, they turn it to shit?  Yeah... that happened about 2 weeks ago.

We went to Best Buy to pick up a radio/cd player for Jill's birthday present from Grandpa.  So we walk past this display of Karaoke machines.  As I'm looking for a radio I want, the kids are playing on one of the karaoke machines.  After I pick out the radio I start thinking to myself "I think it would be a lot of fun to have one of these karaoke machines!  The kids would have a blast with it!"  SCORE - it's only $32 for the machine!  Then you have to buy special karaoke cd's.  They're about $13 a piece.  So I talk myself into this $50 investment for guaranteed hours of non stop fun.  I pick up a CD of karaoke songs from Katy Perry, Bruno Mars, Kesha and others.  Woohoo!  We are gonna sing our little hearts out.

So I get it home and it's easy peasey to hook up to the TV.  We are up and running in less than 10 min.  So on a rainy Saturday afternoon me and the kids are signing karaoke in our living room.  Jill went first, because, well because she's Jill (you all have met Jill, correct?).  So she sings a song that she knows very well.  But has a bit of stage fright so she just mumbles through most of it.  So now it's Liam's turn.  Which, of course, makes Jill cry.  Because Liam "made" her sing a song she didn't like and she wants another turn.  Too bad kid.  So Liam gets through his song.  Finally, MY turn!  I sing my little heart out to Katy Perry's Teenage Dream.  And I sound just as good as I do in the car!  OK, fine, some of my high notes made the kids' ears bleed  Except, much louder.  So, back to Jill.  I try to help her sing through her second song, she gets all mad at me.  Whatevs.  So I think we all took one more turn and then we were all kind of over it.  No one wanted to sing anymore.  So much for those hours of entertainment I thought this would provide. 

At this point, the kids are now just interested in talking into the machine.  Did I say talking?  I meant sssccccrrreeeaaammmiiiinnnnggggg into the machine.  Then Liam proceeds to put on a comedy routine.  Telling really bad jokes and laughing at them.  It was hysterical.  So throughout the day we put the machine on, we turn it off.  Liam does a few more comedy routines.  All the while, trying to watch any TV is impossible.  By evening, they are absolutely fighting over who's turn it is to "scream" into the machine.  I threaten to put the machine away if they can't stop with all this ridiculous arguing.  Apparently, they can't stop.  The machine has been in my closet ever since.

But I will definitely be breaking it out at our next card night!  Until then, I'll be working on my rendition of Teenage Dream, complete with dance moves!

And it goes on...

So I'm sitting in 5 Guys today, eating my burger in peace, when my eyes start suddenly filling up with tears and I start getting that lump in my throat.  How could he leave me?  How could he leave me all by myself?  How could he have, so cruelly, just cut me out of his life like I never even meant anything at all?  How am I supposed to forgive him for what he's done to me?

A few weeks ago I approached Joe and asked him to finally give me an answer on where he stands.  I am sick of living like this.  I want to move on.  So he says he wants us to start "dating" again.  First of all, I heard that 7 mos ago when we were in counseling.  It never happened.  Or maybe he said dating "other people" and I misunderstood?  Because that's all that happened.  Second, dating the one person that watches your kids when you're not with them.  Not easy.  Who the heck is going to watch the kids 1, 2 or 3 times a week when WE are out "dating"?  Third, I already only see my kids 50% of the time.  Let's take another 25% out of seeing the kids so we can "date".  Fabulous.

So far Joe and I have been out two times in the past two weeks.  And it's been really nice.  We've had fun.  But I find myself not really knowing how to act sometimes.  I feel like there's a barrier to feeling truly comfortable with him again.  I feel that he just doesn't get what he's done to me.  How betrayed and abandoned I have felt.  That he refuses to take responsibility for how much of our unhappy relationship was his fault also.  I still hear so much blame in his words.  When I said to him "I just can't believe you left me and moved on so quickly with your life" and he responded with "It wasn't "so quick", it was 3 years in the making".  It's as if he doesn't realize that I was also in a mostly unhappy relationship for 3 years as well.  But it was never a consideration for me to just leave and abandon everything we had built for so long.  He was emotionally checked out of our relationship for years.  Completely unengaged in every aspect.  And he recognizes and admits to this.  Yet, somehow, he holds this against me.  I always had a sour puss on my face.  I couldn't be affectionate anymore.  I  was so unhappy all the time.  It's as if he can't understand how I couldn't be happy with someone who ignored me, could never have a conversation with me and rarely did a nice thing for me to make me feel loved, wanted or appreciated.  What the heck is my problem?!

I'm not saying in any kind of way that people should stay together "just because".  Just because that's what they're used to.  Just because of the kids.  Just because of finances.  But I felt that Joe and I stuck it out so long just because we actually loved each other.  We were just having connection issues.  Communication issues.  Issues that could be worked on.  Maybe I was mistaken.  Maybe we did remain together for so long "just because".