The Kindle

So I went out and got myself a Kindle for my birthday.  No, don't look at your calendars, it's not actually my birthday yet.  However, it was on sale NOW so I decided to buy it now.  Don't worry, you still have time to send me a present.  Hey, I have an idea, some accessories for my new Kindle!

Anyone that knows me knows that I don't actually read all that much.  The last book I read was Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue, when Joe and I were doing some DIY therapy, well over a year ago.  And before that, I couldn't even tell you.  I remember reading a lot of parenting books when I was pregnant.  With Liam.  9 years ago.  So yeah, why the heck would I buy an e-reader you ask?  Well, mostly because I am SO SICK OF TV!!  As you can tell, I know how to read.  And I'm actually pretty good at it.  I mean, just look at the perfect punctuation and grammar and superior sentence structure I use on this here blog.

And, of course, because I just don't have enough "gadgets" in my life.  Computers, Blackberry, iTouch, cameras, gaming consoles, TV's.  So, it was a natural progression really.  Joe tried to convince me to buy an iPad.  Um, no.  First of all, Kindle =$114, iPad =$500.  Hmmm, really?  Second, I will admit that I am an absolute Apple idiot.  I just don't get iTunes.  Honestly.  Joe used to download music to my iTouch because I just couldn't figure it out.  Since he moved out, I have not had one new song on it.  The one time I tried to sync my iTouch, I ended up deleting all the pics that were already on there and replacing them with more updated pics.  I have no idea how I did that.  But it wasn't my intention to delete all the old pics.  Whatever.

So the first book I downloaded was Tina Fey's Bossypants.  Her autobiography.  There's some funny stuff in there.  I was a fan of her on SNL but I really fell in love with her comedy on 30 Rock.  She's a comic genius.

In general, I find reading very boring.  Some people think it's relaxing, I guess it's that too.  My retention level is next to nothing.  The same as when I watch TV.  I can watch an episode of something at night and the next day someone will ask "Hey, did you watch [insert show name here]?  What did you think?"  And I swear it's like a hamster wheel spinning in my head trying to remember what the heck the episode was about.  But, at the time I watched it, I know I enjoyed it.  In one ear right out the other, the old saying goes.  But with reading, would you say "in one eye right out the other"?  So, anyway, I know I'm enjoying Bossypants because I have actually laughed out loud already and I'm only a few chapters in.  Plus, I've developed a little bit of a secret girl crush on her.  Apparently my TV crushes do not limit themselves to men.  I would totally have her babies (if she wasn't already pregnant and having her own babies, of course).

I also downloaded some free classics Amazon had.  The Count of Monte Cristo and The Time Machine.  I don't know where I was during 4 years of high school English but I never read either of those books.  And just because I downloaded them doesn't mean I'm going to read them either.  But I guess I can try to look smart sitting at Starbucks, pretending to read The Count of Monte Cristo, sipping a coffee, reading my Kindle.  I need to get some cute little Tina Fey reading glasses and order my drink under the name Ms. Bossypants.  Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow everyone.

An Update

It's raining.  It's 11:05.  Can't sleep.  As usual.  Been trying for over an hour now.  Not happening.

So my friend Andrea kindly informed me that I haven't been posting much lately about the situation between me and Joe by asking ever so kindly, "SO WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH YOU AND JOE?"

I haven't been posting much because nothing much has changed.  Or maybe I just feel like you guys are tired of hearing about our woes.  I mean writing about every little event that goes on with us is like beating a dead horse.  Joe and I lead very separate lives now.  A LOT of time spent apart.  A LOT of decisions being made without each other.  A LOT of bonds broken right now.  I know in the past I have shared A LOT of personal stuff about what was going on.  But, I have always tried to write about what was going on on MY end.  I don't feel it's my right to write about Joe's life and what HE is doing.  Not sure if there is much of a difference there but I hope you get it.

So, what's going on right now?  Well, Joe and I see each other almost everyday.  He brings the kids to summer camp everyday, I pick them up everyday.  We have been spending a lot more time as a family on the weekends.  When I have something to get off my chest I call him and we talk.  And I'm sure you guys don't want to hear about every little conversation we have.  We don't hate each other.  But I'm not sure we always like each other.  We even took a trip together as a family to visit his dad and sister over 4th of July weekend.  We both survived.  We celebrated his birthday as a family.  It was awesome.

From one day to the next I am conflicted.  I still have my freak out moments.  One day I am so sick of this whole situation and want it to be over.  The next I am so determined to get my family back together that I feel there is nothing I won't do to make that happen.  But I am only half of the equation.  And life must go on.

Everyday I struggle with the proverbial devil and angel on each shoulder.  Everyday I have to fight with them.  Both of them.  They're tough little buggers.  They're rather annoying.  And they definitely don't make my life very easy.  That damn angel is so self righteous.  She thinks she's ssssoooooooo much better than everyone else.  She thinks it's just ssssooooooo easy to take the high road and do "the right thing" in every situation.  HA!  And that damn devil is just so mean.  Seriously, Joe should be thanking the baby Jesus I don't listen to him more often.  I don't remember conversing with them much when I was 22.  I think each one of them gets the best of me sometimes.  As they do all of you, I'm sure, sometimes.  But everyday I try to make decisions that show self-respect and integrity for my marriage, which I still take very seriously.  Ain't gonna lie, it's not easy peeps.

To quote Forrest Gump, "and that's all I have to say about that".

Volunteering

A few months back, when I accepted the fact that Joe would be moving out and I would have A LOT more time on my hands since I wouldn't have the kids all the time anymore, I was looking for something that I could do to help fill the time.  Volunteering was the first thing I thought of.  The truth is, I had a desire for A LONG time before this that I was kind of unfulfilled somehow.  I always kind of blew it off with thoughts of "I'm too busy for that", "I don't have time to do that".  I kind of felt that I was too wrapped up in my own little world, in the monotonous routine of my own little life.  Never really branching out of my comfort zone.  That there was so much more out there in the world that I wasn't experiencing.  Although I had wanted to be doing more to give back, I was definitely too lazy to actually take action.  I have used Joe's moving out as an excuse to finally get out there and do things for my community and start experiencing new things and possibly meet some new people.

So I signed up through a local organization that coordinates volunteer events for all different kinds of organizations in my county.  I just go to their website, look at the calendar and pick something that I think interests me.  There are all different kinds of volunteering opportunities available.  For instance, I can volunteer at a local horse ranch that works with disabled children.  The description says "help clean stables".  Hmmm, no, thanks.  I don't like horses all that much to be shoveling up their crap.  There are "1 day" volunteer opportunities available, like volunteering at a homeless shelter or some some kind of county event like a charity walk/race or whatever.  Then there are long term opportunities, like actually working with a family who has a disabled child and you would be working in their home with whatever kind of help they need (cooking, cleaning, playing with other children in the home, etc.).  This kind of volunteering requires a certain number of days a week and a certain number of hours that are required of you.  It just depends on what kind of time you have and what your comfort level is.  I'm not quite at a point where I would want to work inside someones home and actually become part of their family.  But putting in 3 hours on a Saturday morning is perfectly fine with me.  I have vowed to volunteer at least ONE weekend a month, for a few hours, and so far I have done that.

So the first event I did was for a local fair that was taking place at a horse stable to benefit the disabled children that the stable worked with.  I ended up being assigned the job of checking in all the volunteers that showed up.  Big whoop.  It wasn't exactly the kind of impact I was looking for.  I decided that I wanted opportunities that were a little more hands on.  The only good thing that came out of this event is that the girl I got paired up with to check in the volunteers was super cool and we are friends to this day.  So that was cool.

So this past weekend I signed up for an opportunity to volunteer at a local homeless rehabilitation center.  The description said something along the lines of "sorting new donations" and "organizing the warehouse".  Pretty boring stuff.  However, when we got there, they were looking for some people to volunteer in the kitchen.  "That's me!" I thought.  So we started out just prepping some food trays then they offered to let us actually serve the food for the lunch shift.  I was a little nervous, "OMG, actual homeless people".  I didn't really know what to expect.  So all these people start coming in for lunch.  They were young, old, able bodied, disabled, men, women, children.  All walks.  All shapes.  All sizes.  And they looked just like you and me.  I couldn't help but wonder about a lot of them "how did they end up here?"  "Could I ever end up here?"  Hours before, I was debating the life changing decision of the Nook or the Kindle and now here I was serving a homeless pregnant woman a sandwich (I tried to find the biggest one for her, lol).  Makes me feel selfish and self centered.  I stress about having enough money to take my kids on a "well deserved" vacation.  These people don't have enough money to buy themselves a "well deserved" pair of shoes.  It's quite humbling.

I think my dream volunteer job would be to work in a NICU unit and help take care of all those sick little babies.  Feed them bottles, rub their back in their incubators, change teeny weeny diapers.  It would be like always having a baby but never having to raise another one.

Go Here to donate your time or pay it forward on 9/11.  You will make a difference in someones life.  Somewhere, somehow.

Old Photographs

So I have this picture collage that hangs in my bedroom.  It's been hanging there for years already.  But it's always had one picture missing.  The picture size is very small.  2x2.  For years I've struggled to find the perfect picture for that very last spot.  No picture ever seemed right.  Well last night I found the perfect picture.

When my dad was selling his townhouse last year he started bringing me everything in his house by the car load full.  I think he thought that most of the stuff was "my moms" and, naturally, I should want it.  Most of this stuff I did not want and gave to Goodwill.  When my Mom first died my sister and I had gone through her jewelry and picked out the pieces we wanted.  Years ago my Dad had given me most of their Christmas stuff.  So, pretty much, I already had everything I wanted from his house.  The only thing he ended up bringing me that I later realized I really wanted was all their photographs.  40+ years of photographs and memories.  He did do a very good job of sorting out all the photographs and misc belongings he had of mine and all my brothers.  He sorted everyone's things into boxes that all ended up in MY garage.

I've had these photos for over a year now but never really took the time to look through them all.  But last night I took the bag out of my closet and went through every single one.  All the photos were great but two of them really stuck out at me.

The first was a photo of my mom and dad with my 3 brothers (all wearing matching overalls!) sitting on a couch.  It is dated July 6, 1974.  Two months before I was born.  Unfortunately, you can't really see my mom's pregnant belly but I know I'm in there.  Ged was about 13, Ed was about 10 and Kevin was about 8 (and they're all wearing matching overalls?).  All 3 of them were so freaking cute.  My mom was 31.  So young and beautiful.  My dad was 39.  WOW.  I am definitely framing this one.

The second photo was of my mom sitting on a brick wall.  She is wearing a fancy white dress with puff sleeves.  She has a corsage on her left shoulder, her legs crossed, and her hands folded in her lap with a pair of white heels on.  Black and white.  It's dated July 1960.  18 yrs old.  And it fits perfectly in that last 2x2 spot...

Seeing a picture of my mom that is 51 yrs old freaked me out a bit.  When I first realized how old the picture was I thought to myself, no that can't be right.  I, literally, sat there and counted the years on my fingers again.  I don't know why.  Her birthday was at the end of this month.  She would have been 69 this year.

Out of a 9 picture collage, my mom made the cut 3 times.  The only other person to hold that honor is Liam.

Someone else said it so perfectly...

Wow, I was reading one of my blogs today and came across this post from a recently divorced Mom:

Imagine a world in which your children only were tucked into beds under your roof two weeks out of every month.

Imagine a world in which mornings did not always include a sweet sleepy face saying “Good morning Mommy”.

Imagine a world, in which your baby did, said and tried new things for the first time and you hear about it afterwards.

Imagine not being able to see or touch the soft hair of the person you gave birth to, because the court says it’s not your day.

Imagine walking out of a house, hearing your child screaming for you, sobbing, and having to just keep walking. Because your parenting time has ended for the week.

Imagine having to give up all your carefully laid plans on raising your girl, because now you only have control over her environment on pre-planned out days.

Imagine worrying that her parents living in two separate places and no longer functioning as a family will harm her in ways you can’t even envision yet.

Imagine you go days without physical touch of another human.

Unless you’ve been there. You cannot imagine. You cannot know the heartbreak. You cannot know the tears that are shed, the sobs that echo off walls. You cannot know the longing for the feel of her little hand tucked into mine. You cannot know the twisting of my heart as I smile for her, never letting her know my sadness.

When I say I cry, when I say I shed tears over something, don’t tell me I’m silly. Don’t trivialize my pain.

You don’t know my heart. You’ve no right to judge my heart.

Be grateful for your life. If it’s as good as you say, you don’t need to tear down my already battered emotions with your superiority.

Imagine that small words, tucked into sentences, have the power to hurt.

I hope all you ever have to do is imagine.


I don't think I could say it any better.