Merry Christmas!

To everyone I won't see this year, which actually, is all of you - MERRY CHRISTMAS!  I MISS YOU!!

A little Christmas present to myself...

Music vs. Movies

I've always been a music lover.  Ever since I can remember.  I remember the very first cassette I ever bought with my own money.  Cinderella - Night Songs.  Oh yeah.  It rocked.  Still does.  Music has gotten me through all kinds of situations in life.  When I'm happy it makes me want to sing and dance along.  When I'm sad I feel like someone else knows exactly what I'm feeling and I'm not alone!  When I'm nostalgic a song can bring me right back to a certain memory.  I have been to more concerts and seen more bands than I could possibly keep track of.  I have an uncanny ability to remember song lyrics and remember the artist.  After 3 or 4 times of hearing a song I know at least 90% of the words.  I'm convinced that I can't remember really important things that I should know because my brain is filled to the brim with song lyrics.  Like the capital on Montana.  Or why the sky is blue.  Or who our current president is.  And the worst irony of all to me is that I'm a terrible singer!

For a long time, I let music slip out of my life.  Pretty much, only listening to it in the car (which isn't anywhere near enough for me).  But now, when I'm home, I almost ALWAYS have the radio on.  And because my local radio station, literally, plays the 10 latest pop hits on constant loop (and of course I am too lazy to constantly change the channel) I know all the words!  Music has brought me so much comfort lately.

When it comes to TV/movies, trust me, I watch just as much as anyone else.  But it just doesn't give me the same satisfaction.  I don't have the same capacity to remember movies or TV shows.  I have very bad short term memory as it is.  I know all the famous actors but cannot always remember the name of a movie.  If you ask me if I saw a certain movie I'll probably respond with "who was in that one?" or  "what was the storyline?"  There are definitely some classics that are burned into my brain.  Like, The Exorcist and Goonies and Forrest Gump.  But in general, I'd rather sit in a room all alone and listen to some music than watch a movie or TV.

So although I may be one of those people that develops Alzheimer's by the time they're 50 and I won't have a single memory of the last 20 years of my life, I will probably STILL know every single word to Piano Man.  So stop by and visit me in the old folks home.  I'll sing it for you.

I guess it was nice while it lasted

Remember a few weeks ago how I bragged how I was sleeping much better?  Yeah, I shouldn't have put that out in the universe like that.  That bitch took care of that real quick.  I was on vacation last week and I had the worst week of sleep ever.  The night before Thanksgiving I don't think I ever even actually fell asleep.  Insomnia is a horrible thing.  All you want to do is sleep.  You're so tired.  But you just can't.  Your thoughts race from one strange thing to another.  You're looking at the clock every hour.  The next day you're like a zombie.  Your body can barely move and your eyes burn.  And don't forget those lovely dark, puffy circles under your eyes.  You wish life would stop for a just a little bit so you can recover.  But it doesn't.  There's still work, and homework and cooking dinner to get done.  And you do it all again the next day. Lovely, isn't it?

Next time I'll know better than to jinx myself like that.  I guess there's time for sleeping when I'm dead.

Here's one for you universe.  I want to be a millionaire.  I'm putting it out there.  Make it happen.

One Day

One day there will be no more mementos of our love or life together in our house.  I've already started removing them.
One day "our" house will no longer exist.  It is already broken.
One day I will refer to you as my "ex".  But for now I still call you my husband.
One day I will refer to you as "my first husband".  My "starter" husband.  Or possibly even, my "first ex-husband"?
One day the only reason we will speak to each other will be because we have kids together.
One day our kids won't even remember when we were together.
One day we will be in love with other people.
But I honestly hope the day never comes where we don't look back and remember a time when we were hopeful and totally crazy about each other and so in love.  Because that is still how I remember us.  Our beautiful kids will always be a reminder of that time.

Single, once again

So it turns out that dating Joe just doesn't work for me.  For one, he wasn't trying very hard.  Joe said he still isn't "feeling" it and he certainly let it show.  I just wish he would've told me he wasn't feeling it.  But that would've involved communicating, so obviously, it was just better that he didn't say anything to me, let me feel like an idiot for weeks thinking we were "trying" to work on it, get frustrated when the "working on it" wasn't working very well then make me guess and pull teeth to get him admit to me that he's just not feeling it.  Second, I can never look at him as my boyfriend ever again.  It doesn't work like that.  At least not for me.  He's my husband, not my boyfriend.  He can never be my boyfriend again. We've moved beyond ever being casual with each other.  So I'm moving on.  And told him to do the same.

So lately, I've been wondering how the hell I am ever going to want to put up with someone else's shit crazy  ever again.  The thought of learning all about someone else's crazy is just crazy.  It was easy when I was in my early 20's with no kids and no true responsibilities.  But it's not like that anymore.  I think I'm more picky now.  And have more requirements.

It's been a very long time since I've dated.  I think I am definitely going to have some deal breakers.  What if he wants to have a conversation with me before my morning coffee?  What if he wants me to **GASP** go to a college football game?  Or watch it on TV!?  Or go to a Jimmy Buffet concert?  OMG, you guys, what if he is in love with Disney characters or going to Disney World or something?  Yikes, I just don't know how I'm going to do this.  Is it inappropriate to ask a guy on the first date if he has ever mowed a lawn before?  And no, that's not a sexual innuendo.

How am I ever going to feeling truly comfortable with someone else ever again?  The thought of being comfortable enough with someone else to let them see all of my gray hair, see me with no make up on, or see me in my PJ's until 3pm because I got sucked into an all day Scrubs marathon through Netflix is certainly daunting.  But I guess it will happen.  It happens for other people.

Coming up on my blog... Scenes from the dating world...

Jillian, my saving grace?

Remember that time when I complained about doing homework with my kids?  I'm realizing that doing homework with Jillian is like the EXACT OPPOSITE of doing homework with Liam.  Jill gets these pamphlets of homework that we work on all week then she hands in on Friday.  Each Thursday in the pamphlet is the Math portion.  Usually about 6 sheets from her Math book.  We usually have this done by Tuesday.  The girl LOVES to do homework.  When we come home from school she gets all her homework out and organizes it all in front of her "OK Mommy, what do we do tonight?"  As we're going through the Math sheets she saves the "fun" ones for last.  Yes, the "fun" ones.  This girl is a breeze (who thought I would/could ever say that about Jillian?).  I have actually thanked her before for being so easy to do homework with.  WOW, what a difference this makes.  She's so awesome.

Just last night, I argued with Liam for no less than 15 minutes to get ONE Math sheet and his word list done.  All that homework together probably took him about 10 min to do.  It's incredibly frustrating.

Funny enough, they both seem to really like Math.  Since K that has easily been Liam's strongest subject.  I always loved Math as well.  It just always came easily to me.  But don't ask me what year the Declaration of Independence was signed or ask me to point out Greece on a globe.  History and Geography, def not my strong suits.  But I guess that's what I have Google for now.

Is this just a difference between boys and girls?  I also want to give a shout out to the universe for making one thing about Jillian easy.  Thanks, I really needed that.

Weird dreams

The other night, in my dream, I heard someone play 2 notes on a flute.  I woke up.  It was 4:30.  I kind of knew it was a dream but the sound was so clear it felt like it really happened.  Then I panicked, "OMG, that sound was REAL!"  I was in the house all alone so I immediately got that super scared panicky feeling.  I got up and surveyed the house.  Nothing was out of the ordinary so I went back to bed.  I was dreaming that there were people talking outside my window.  I remember feeling very annoyed that people were right outside my window talking while I was trying to sleep.  Then I heard someone say the name John as clearly as if they whispered it in my ear.  Once again, I woke up.  It was 6:27.  It sounded so real, I SWEAR, IT WAS REAL!  But this time I was less panicky.  I wasn't anywhere near as scared as when I heard those flute notes.  WEIRD!

I had a dream last week that I was visiting my ex boyfriend in jail (in present day).  Just like I did when we were dating (over 15 years ago).  Ha.  I remember thinking, "man, this is what the last 15 years of my life would've been like if I married this guy." 

Last night we had some crazy hurricane like storms roll in.  We were actually under a tornado watch.  Starting around 12:30 I could barely sleep because the wind and rain was so heavy.  I just kept hearing things banging around the patio and hitting my windows.  It was scary.

On a related note, I have been sleeping so much better lately.  It doesn't take me hours to fall asleep anymore.  I haven't blogged in the middle of the night, because I couldn't sleep, in months.  It's a good feeling.  I had started dreading going to bed because I knew I would just lay there for an hour or more trying to fall asleep.  I hate when you're so tired and you just can't fall asleep.

What is the universe trying to tell me?

Karaoke, anyone?

So you know how sometimes you think you're going to do something with your kids and OMG, IT'S GOING TO BE SO AWESOME!  But then, in the way that kids do, they turn it to shit?  Yeah... that happened about 2 weeks ago.

We went to Best Buy to pick up a radio/cd player for Jill's birthday present from Grandpa.  So we walk past this display of Karaoke machines.  As I'm looking for a radio I want, the kids are playing on one of the karaoke machines.  After I pick out the radio I start thinking to myself "I think it would be a lot of fun to have one of these karaoke machines!  The kids would have a blast with it!"  SCORE - it's only $32 for the machine!  Then you have to buy special karaoke cd's.  They're about $13 a piece.  So I talk myself into this $50 investment for guaranteed hours of non stop fun.  I pick up a CD of karaoke songs from Katy Perry, Bruno Mars, Kesha and others.  Woohoo!  We are gonna sing our little hearts out.

So I get it home and it's easy peasey to hook up to the TV.  We are up and running in less than 10 min.  So on a rainy Saturday afternoon me and the kids are signing karaoke in our living room.  Jill went first, because, well because she's Jill (you all have met Jill, correct?).  So she sings a song that she knows very well.  But has a bit of stage fright so she just mumbles through most of it.  So now it's Liam's turn.  Which, of course, makes Jill cry.  Because Liam "made" her sing a song she didn't like and she wants another turn.  Too bad kid.  So Liam gets through his song.  Finally, MY turn!  I sing my little heart out to Katy Perry's Teenage Dream.  And I sound just as good as I do in the car!  OK, fine, some of my high notes made the kids' ears bleed  Except, much louder.  So, back to Jill.  I try to help her sing through her second song, she gets all mad at me.  Whatevs.  So I think we all took one more turn and then we were all kind of over it.  No one wanted to sing anymore.  So much for those hours of entertainment I thought this would provide. 

At this point, the kids are now just interested in talking into the machine.  Did I say talking?  I meant sssccccrrreeeaaammmiiiinnnnggggg into the machine.  Then Liam proceeds to put on a comedy routine.  Telling really bad jokes and laughing at them.  It was hysterical.  So throughout the day we put the machine on, we turn it off.  Liam does a few more comedy routines.  All the while, trying to watch any TV is impossible.  By evening, they are absolutely fighting over who's turn it is to "scream" into the machine.  I threaten to put the machine away if they can't stop with all this ridiculous arguing.  Apparently, they can't stop.  The machine has been in my closet ever since.

But I will definitely be breaking it out at our next card night!  Until then, I'll be working on my rendition of Teenage Dream, complete with dance moves!

And it goes on...

So I'm sitting in 5 Guys today, eating my burger in peace, when my eyes start suddenly filling up with tears and I start getting that lump in my throat.  How could he leave me?  How could he leave me all by myself?  How could he have, so cruelly, just cut me out of his life like I never even meant anything at all?  How am I supposed to forgive him for what he's done to me?

A few weeks ago I approached Joe and asked him to finally give me an answer on where he stands.  I am sick of living like this.  I want to move on.  So he says he wants us to start "dating" again.  First of all, I heard that 7 mos ago when we were in counseling.  It never happened.  Or maybe he said dating "other people" and I misunderstood?  Because that's all that happened.  Second, dating the one person that watches your kids when you're not with them.  Not easy.  Who the heck is going to watch the kids 1, 2 or 3 times a week when WE are out "dating"?  Third, I already only see my kids 50% of the time.  Let's take another 25% out of seeing the kids so we can "date".  Fabulous.

So far Joe and I have been out two times in the past two weeks.  And it's been really nice.  We've had fun.  But I find myself not really knowing how to act sometimes.  I feel like there's a barrier to feeling truly comfortable with him again.  I feel that he just doesn't get what he's done to me.  How betrayed and abandoned I have felt.  That he refuses to take responsibility for how much of our unhappy relationship was his fault also.  I still hear so much blame in his words.  When I said to him "I just can't believe you left me and moved on so quickly with your life" and he responded with "It wasn't "so quick", it was 3 years in the making".  It's as if he doesn't realize that I was also in a mostly unhappy relationship for 3 years as well.  But it was never a consideration for me to just leave and abandon everything we had built for so long.  He was emotionally checked out of our relationship for years.  Completely unengaged in every aspect.  And he recognizes and admits to this.  Yet, somehow, he holds this against me.  I always had a sour puss on my face.  I couldn't be affectionate anymore.  I  was so unhappy all the time.  It's as if he can't understand how I couldn't be happy with someone who ignored me, could never have a conversation with me and rarely did a nice thing for me to make me feel loved, wanted or appreciated.  What the heck is my problem?!

I'm not saying in any kind of way that people should stay together "just because".  Just because that's what they're used to.  Just because of the kids.  Just because of finances.  But I felt that Joe and I stuck it out so long just because we actually loved each other.  We were just having connection issues.  Communication issues.  Issues that could be worked on.  Maybe I was mistaken.  Maybe we did remain together for so long "just because".

Well, hello there

Wow, my first post of September.  It's been a very busy few weeks.  Labor Day weekend was awesome.  I had some friends in town and we basically spent every waking moment together.  It was great.  We had tons of fun.  Then it was my birthday.  That was also great.  Joe took me out to dinner.  It was nice to have some alone time with him.  It had been a very long time.  Then it was Jill's birthday.  Had a little get together at the house for her.  Friends, family and neighbors.  It was fun.  Meanwhile, at work, I've been covering for someone who is spending 3 weeks in Hawaii.  Getting married or something.  So I've been learning a totally new job.

Other than that, I don't know what else to say.  I have been uninspired lately to write.  I've been so tired and I just can't seem to shake it.  It doesn't matter when I go to bed.  I either lie awake at night trying to fall asleep or I awake somewhere around 4am and try in vain to fall back asleep until the alarm goes off.  Oh well.

Nothing new is really going on.  Just the same old stuff.  What's new with you guys?

Bitter much?

Oh, you're getting married?  Oh, how wonderful!  Congrats to you and your fiance!
I hate to be the one to tell you this but he'll leave you in a few yrs because he "doesn't know what he wants" right now.  Or maybe because he "doesn't want to do this anymore".

Awww, it's so cute that you guys are so in love.
Love don't mean shit, honey.

Yeah, I know, your man is your best friend.
Yeah, I used to think that too.  Until he abandoned me.  And betrayed me.  And left me to fend for myself with two young kids.   This is a little harsh, I know.  It's an exaggeration of the truth but this is how it feels.

So you're telling me, you've gained a few extra pounds, developed an anxiety disorder and your parents are coming to live with you and your man STILL wants to be with you?
Wow, what a concept.  Someone who is down and dirty in the trenches with you.  Going through this crazy thing called life with you.  Sticking it out with you through the vows you made to each other.  Supports you when things aren't all glitter and rainbows.

I'm a terrible, terrible person, I know.  Bitter, party of one, your table is ready.  I am absolutely bitter that other people get to have that person by their side to stick it out through thick and thin.  Through good and bad.  For better and for worse.  That they get to be not perfect and, yet, someone loves them anyway.

I know love and commitment actually exist.  Of course I do.  But these thoughts creep into my head.  I look at my parents marriage of 41 years.  It was far from perfect.  But they stuck it out with each other through all the tough times.  On a side note, last Friday would've been their 50th wedding anniversary.

My brother and his wife just celebrated 18 years married on Sunday.  They're still so in love and still best friends.  When I was in MN in May my sister in law kept asking me "Isn't your brother just the cutest thing ever?"  (it could've been the margaritas talking, not sure.  hmm, maybe that's the secret to a long loving marriage - MARGARITAS!)  Um, yeah, he's the cutest thing ever.  But, really, he kind of is ;)  Or at least one of the cutest things ever.  (love you guys!)  I want to be with someone for over 18 years, or maybe even 41, and still think they're the cutest thing ever.

As you can tell, I'm going through some abandonment issues right now.  This sucks.

The kindness of people

One day a few months ago I went to the cafeteria to buy myself a bag of chips at work.  I was having a particularly bad emotional day and all I wanted was some Fritos.  So I put my money in the machine and pressed the buttons and the little spinny thing starts to spin but then stops, leaving my bag of chips half way hanging off the rack. I just stood there, looking at my chips hanging there.  I was, literally, on the verge of a complete emotional breakdown over these chips.  My eyes started tearing up and I just stood frozen, so upset that all I wanted was these chips and they were just hanging there taunting me.  I just didn't know what to do.  Breaking down crying seemed completely reasonable to me at that moment.  So this guy, that I have never met before, standing at the soda machine next to me pipes up "do you want a dollar to get those chips out?"  And he just handed me a dollar.  That guy had NO IDEA that I was on the verge of tears over this stupid bag of chips.  I said thank you and he just walked away.

A few weekends after Joe moved out I was standing in my garage folding clothes and I see my neighbor walking up my driveway with a tray of piping hot food in her hands.  She said "I just felt like I needed to do something to help you out.  I know it's not much but I made you this lasagna."  I said, "wow, this is awesome, I had no idea what I was going to do for dinner tonight."  And it was delicious.  The fact that she even thought about me and the kids was just so sweet.

One day my neighbor offered to mow my backyard for me after we were talking and I was telling him what a difficult task it was for me the first time I did it.  Now, he mows the little section of my side yard that is connected to his every week without me even having to ask.  It's not the biggest favor ever but it helps me out so much that I don't have to mow it.  To me, his thoughtfulness is just a God send.

It got me thinking how I don't always pay attention to what's going on around me.  And how I don't always lend a helping hand to someone I know is in need.  Or someone I don't know who is in need.  I want to start paying attention.  Start noticing when something as simple as buying someone a bag a chips from the vending machine would just totally make their day.  Try to not miss an opportunity to be kind to a stranger or a neighbor.  You never know what situation that person is in.  Your little act of kindness or thoughtfulness could go a LONG way to someone who's having a bad day.

First day of school!

First day of Kindergarten:

First day of 3rd grade:

So proud of my kiddos.

"This is the way it is now."

I was talking to my neighbor the other day, who also happens to be Joe's assistant coach for Liam's football team, and he says "I asked Joe if he was going to Orlando with you and the kids and he said 'No, I wasn't invited'."  "This is the way it is now", I replied.

I took the kids on "family vacation", except, we weren't quite a whole family.  This is how it is now, I thought to myself.

Me and Liam experienced our first zip line together, which was awesome!  As much as I loved having an experience just between me and Liam, I was a sad for both of us that we didn't have Joe to share it with.  This is just how it is now.

I had received some bad news on Monday and my first instinct was to call Joe and talk to him about it.  But I didn't.  I had to remind myself that he's not my partner anymore.  My problems are not his problems anymore.  It's hard.  Even after all these months apart.  This is how it is from now on.

No matter how I say it, it still breaks my heart everyday when a situation slaps me in the face that this is just the way it is now.

I'm on vacation

Hi.  You've reached Debbie at complete debbiness.  I've checked out of my real life for a few days and have gone to an alternate universe where princesses and big mice run the world.  Also known as, Orlando.  Please check back in a few days.  I'll tell you all about it when I return.  Have a great week everyone.

Mom Guilt

Every summer since Liam started school, I always have these grand plans of making sure we do lots of educational stuff over the summer so he doesn't "lose" what he's learned over the previous school year.  I even sign up for home school-type websites so him and Jill could complete lessons all summer long and get a head start on the school year.  And, in theory, it sounds like it should just be that easy.  Set him up in front of the computer to complete a lesson.  But then the complaining starts.  Then the whining.  I have to physically be sitting next to him in order for him to actually sit still and concentrate on what he's doing.  And then I get turned off to the whole idea.  Since Kindergarten, Liam and I have gotten into all out screaming matches over doing homework.  I HATE TRYING TO BE MY KIDS' TEACHER!  And I feel so guilty about it because I want to like being the one to work with them at home and feel so accomplished when I teach them something.  In my fantasy, it's all butterflies and rainbows.  I show/tell them something, and - BAM - they learn it!  But the fact is, I just don't.  I just do not have the patience for when they try to play dumb with me.  It sets me right off.

For instance, working with Liam for months on his math homework.  Then, he decides he just wants to be pissy and difficult about doing math homework.  So I ask him something simple like "OK Liam, after adding this column, which number do we carry over into the tens column?"  "Um, I don't know.  3?"  "Where did you get 3 from?  We've just done five equations just like this one and all of a sudden you don't know what 8+3 is?"  "I forget."  To me, this is "playing dumb" and I immediately go into a ballistic rage.  Sounds terrible, I know.

Trying to work with Jillian on her reading this summer.  One night, she starts reading this book and I was so impressed, I had no idea she knew so many words already.  So we read this same book a few nights in a row for practice.  So one night, she all of a sudden doesn't know any of the words.  We're reading the title and I say, "OK Jill, what is this word?"  Literally, she makes this sound that is not a letter or a word or even a combination of letters.  Just like a grunty type sound and, of course, she thinks this is just hysterical.  I say, "what?  Jill, what is this word?"  She makes the noise again.  I say, "Jill, you've read this word everyday for 3 days now.  What is this word?"  "I don't know."  I can't take it.  To me, this is "playing dumb".  I want to take the book, throw it across the room and scream at the top of my lungs.  We haven't read together since.

It's so very frustrating.  Maybe I take this "playing dumb" thing a little too seriously.  I mean, I understand that their little minds are still developing and that they work different from an adult's mind and that they  might *actually* forget how to read a certain word from one sentence to the next but it makes me crazy!  And I feel so guilty for not having more patience with them when it comes to teaching them.  I have actually made Liam cry from chastising him over his reading, especially in the beginning.  I hate knowing that I made my Liam cry and feel bad about himself so I apologize profusely.  I blame him, he blames me.  It's just a big vicious cycle.  So, in my mind, I would rather just not "go there" then have it end in a big fight where everyone is frustrated and discouraged and mad.

As a parent, you put a lot of pressure on yourself that you should LOVE to do and be everything to your kids.  But that's not very realistic.  I feel like I have so much patience in other areas with them.  (just dealing with Jillian and her high maintenance-ness on a daily basis is an act of sainthood, trust me)  Just not this one.  I guess all I can do is strive to be better the next time.  Half the battle is admitting you have a problem, right?

Bye bye summer...

OMG, can't believe summer is coming to an end.  At the beginning, it always seems SO LONG until school starts again.  Now, it's only 2 weeks away.  Today is Jill's official last day of daycare.  I have been paying for full time private daycare since March 2003.  8 1/2 years.

Next week my dad is watching the kids.  Ever since he moved in with his sister we hardly see him anymore.  I think I've seen him 3 times this entire year so far.  Ridiculous, I know, since he lives less than 30 min away.  So it will be nice for the kids to spend some time with him.

The following week I will be on vaca with them.  I'll be taking them to the Orlando area for a few days.  Doing non-Disney stuff.  I'm really looking forward to a few days alone with the kids to just chill and relax.

This is the time of year when someone hits the fast forward button on my life.  Liam has football 3x a week, school starts, my bday, Jill's bday, trip to the west coast for my niece's bday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Liam's bday, start of soccer, Christmas, New Year's.  And tons of stuff in between.  Busy, busy, busy.

Another half a year gone.  Another summer gone by.  Another gray hair on my head and wrinkle around my eyes.

What a trooper!

Liam has been so good through all this orthodontic stuff.  In December he got his "appliance" installed.  It's a device attached to his palate to widen the top jaw.  The day he got it installed he had this weird thing where he wouldn't swallow his saliva and he puffed his cheeks up like a puffer fish all day.  Aside from all the drooling and spitting he wouldn't eat or drink all day.  We kept explaining to him that he could just act like normal and reminded him to swallow and tried to get him to eat and drink all day.  But he just wouldn't.  The office had warned us that the device would probably make him produce extra saliva and I guess he was swallowing some of it since he woke up in the middle of the night and started vomiting straight saliva.  Poor kid.  The next day he went back to eating, drinking, and swallowing like normal.  He uses a special device to scoop out any trapped food inside of it.  He never once complained about anything.

In March, he had his top braces put on.  Everyone kept saying things like "oh, just wait until they adjust them, it hurts".  We have to use special little brushes to floss under the braces.  He never once complained about anything.

In July, he had 4 bottom molars pulled.  They never fully erupted and x-rays revealed they were fused to the bone and would most likely prevent his permanent teeth from coming out properly.  I watched the oral surgeon pull out all 4 teeth and nearly fainted no less than 3 times.  He was on gas and Novacaine and never felt a thing.  On the car ride home he was all groggy coming off the gas.  All of a sudden I just hear heaving coming from the back seat.  I look back and Liam has vomited all the blood he had been swallowing all over himself.  He was so groggy that he was just in a sitting position and had this bloody vomit dripping off his chin and down the front of his shirt.  It was a pleasant visual as I'm trying to drive home.  He could only eat soft foods and couldn't eat any candy or drink from a straw for 5 days.  The tooth fairy brought him $10 for all his troubles.  He never once complained about anything.

A few days ago, he got a spacer bar installed on the bottom row of teeth so that his teeth don't shift into the now empty areas where his molars used to be.  So far, he hasn't complained.

In 5 weeks he gets his bottom braces put on.  Literally every square inch of the kids mouth will have some sort of orthodontic device installed.  I keep telling him that one day all of this will be worth it.  I sure as heck hope so.

Will I ever be able to eat in peace again?

Scene:  At Home
Me:  "Liam, would you like some crackers?"
Liam:  "No thanks."
Me, opening package of crackers, ~~ crinkle, crinkle~~
Liam:  "Can I have one?"
Me:  "Sure, but didn't I just ask you if you wanted crackers?  Why didn't you tell me you wanted some?"
Liam:  "Well, I didn't know it was these crackers.  I like these crackers."  (takes two crackers)
Jill:  "Can I have one Mommy?"
Me:  "Sure, here you go, Jilly Jill."
Jill:  (drops cracker on floor)  "Can I have another one?"
Me:  "Here."
Me:  (hands Jill the rest of the package). ~~ confused look ~~

Scene:  At the Waterpark
Me:  "OK, let's go get some snacks.  Liam and Jill, what do you want?"
Liam:  "Ice cream!"
Jill:  "Ice cream!"
Me:  "I want an ICEE!"
(head back to our chairs)
Liam:  "Mommy, can I have some of your ICEE?"
Jill:  "Mommy, can I have some of your ICEE?"
(hands me back 1/2 gone ICEE)
Me:  "Guys, if you wanted an ICEE why didn't you just say you wanted an ICEE?  Now half my ICEE is gone."
Liam:  "I thought an ICEE was ice cream."
Me:  ~~ confused look ~~

Scene:  At a Restaurant
(soup that I order comes to table)
Jill:  "Mommy, can I taste your soup?"
Me:  "Sure."
Jill:  (takes a sip then starts pulling bowl toward her)
Me:  "Jill, that's my soup.  I would like to have some."
Jill:  "But I like it."
Me:  ~~ confused look ~~

Scene:  Eating take out at home
(ordering thai food.  I asked Liam if he would like some of "the chicken and noodles that you really like [pad si ew].  he declines, says he would like waffles for dinner.  I order for me and Jill and we're sitting down to eat)
Liam:  "That's so unfair, how come Jill gets chicken and noodles?"
Me:  "Liam, I asked you if you wanted some when I was ordering, you said no."
Liam:  "But, I love those chicken and noodles."
Me:  "I know Liam, that's why I asked you if you would like some."
Liam:  "Well, I want some now."
Me:  "Well, let me call up the Thai chef and ask him to come over to make you some."
Liam:  "OK."
Me:  (he proceeds to eat half the order) ~~ confused look ~~

When does it end?

The Kindle

So I went out and got myself a Kindle for my birthday.  No, don't look at your calendars, it's not actually my birthday yet.  However, it was on sale NOW so I decided to buy it now.  Don't worry, you still have time to send me a present.  Hey, I have an idea, some accessories for my new Kindle!

Anyone that knows me knows that I don't actually read all that much.  The last book I read was Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue, when Joe and I were doing some DIY therapy, well over a year ago.  And before that, I couldn't even tell you.  I remember reading a lot of parenting books when I was pregnant.  With Liam.  9 years ago.  So yeah, why the heck would I buy an e-reader you ask?  Well, mostly because I am SO SICK OF TV!!  As you can tell, I know how to read.  And I'm actually pretty good at it.  I mean, just look at the perfect punctuation and grammar and superior sentence structure I use on this here blog.

And, of course, because I just don't have enough "gadgets" in my life.  Computers, Blackberry, iTouch, cameras, gaming consoles, TV's.  So, it was a natural progression really.  Joe tried to convince me to buy an iPad.  Um, no.  First of all, Kindle =$114, iPad =$500.  Hmmm, really?  Second, I will admit that I am an absolute Apple idiot.  I just don't get iTunes.  Honestly.  Joe used to download music to my iTouch because I just couldn't figure it out.  Since he moved out, I have not had one new song on it.  The one time I tried to sync my iTouch, I ended up deleting all the pics that were already on there and replacing them with more updated pics.  I have no idea how I did that.  But it wasn't my intention to delete all the old pics.  Whatever.

So the first book I downloaded was Tina Fey's Bossypants.  Her autobiography.  There's some funny stuff in there.  I was a fan of her on SNL but I really fell in love with her comedy on 30 Rock.  She's a comic genius.

In general, I find reading very boring.  Some people think it's relaxing, I guess it's that too.  My retention level is next to nothing.  The same as when I watch TV.  I can watch an episode of something at night and the next day someone will ask "Hey, did you watch [insert show name here]?  What did you think?"  And I swear it's like a hamster wheel spinning in my head trying to remember what the heck the episode was about.  But, at the time I watched it, I know I enjoyed it.  In one ear right out the other, the old saying goes.  But with reading, would you say "in one eye right out the other"?  So, anyway, I know I'm enjoying Bossypants because I have actually laughed out loud already and I'm only a few chapters in.  Plus, I've developed a little bit of a secret girl crush on her.  Apparently my TV crushes do not limit themselves to men.  I would totally have her babies (if she wasn't already pregnant and having her own babies, of course).

I also downloaded some free classics Amazon had.  The Count of Monte Cristo and The Time Machine.  I don't know where I was during 4 years of high school English but I never read either of those books.  And just because I downloaded them doesn't mean I'm going to read them either.  But I guess I can try to look smart sitting at Starbucks, pretending to read The Count of Monte Cristo, sipping a coffee, reading my Kindle.  I need to get some cute little Tina Fey reading glasses and order my drink under the name Ms. Bossypants.  Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow everyone.

An Update

It's raining.  It's 11:05.  Can't sleep.  As usual.  Been trying for over an hour now.  Not happening.

So my friend Andrea kindly informed me that I haven't been posting much lately about the situation between me and Joe by asking ever so kindly, "SO WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH YOU AND JOE?"

I haven't been posting much because nothing much has changed.  Or maybe I just feel like you guys are tired of hearing about our woes.  I mean writing about every little event that goes on with us is like beating a dead horse.  Joe and I lead very separate lives now.  A LOT of time spent apart.  A LOT of decisions being made without each other.  A LOT of bonds broken right now.  I know in the past I have shared A LOT of personal stuff about what was going on.  But, I have always tried to write about what was going on on MY end.  I don't feel it's my right to write about Joe's life and what HE is doing.  Not sure if there is much of a difference there but I hope you get it.

So, what's going on right now?  Well, Joe and I see each other almost everyday.  He brings the kids to summer camp everyday, I pick them up everyday.  We have been spending a lot more time as a family on the weekends.  When I have something to get off my chest I call him and we talk.  And I'm sure you guys don't want to hear about every little conversation we have.  We don't hate each other.  But I'm not sure we always like each other.  We even took a trip together as a family to visit his dad and sister over 4th of July weekend.  We both survived.  We celebrated his birthday as a family.  It was awesome.

From one day to the next I am conflicted.  I still have my freak out moments.  One day I am so sick of this whole situation and want it to be over.  The next I am so determined to get my family back together that I feel there is nothing I won't do to make that happen.  But I am only half of the equation.  And life must go on.

Everyday I struggle with the proverbial devil and angel on each shoulder.  Everyday I have to fight with them.  Both of them.  They're tough little buggers.  They're rather annoying.  And they definitely don't make my life very easy.  That damn angel is so self righteous.  She thinks she's ssssoooooooo much better than everyone else.  She thinks it's just ssssooooooo easy to take the high road and do "the right thing" in every situation.  HA!  And that damn devil is just so mean.  Seriously, Joe should be thanking the baby Jesus I don't listen to him more often.  I don't remember conversing with them much when I was 22.  I think each one of them gets the best of me sometimes.  As they do all of you, I'm sure, sometimes.  But everyday I try to make decisions that show self-respect and integrity for my marriage, which I still take very seriously.  Ain't gonna lie, it's not easy peeps.

To quote Forrest Gump, "and that's all I have to say about that".

Volunteering

A few months back, when I accepted the fact that Joe would be moving out and I would have A LOT more time on my hands since I wouldn't have the kids all the time anymore, I was looking for something that I could do to help fill the time.  Volunteering was the first thing I thought of.  The truth is, I had a desire for A LONG time before this that I was kind of unfulfilled somehow.  I always kind of blew it off with thoughts of "I'm too busy for that", "I don't have time to do that".  I kind of felt that I was too wrapped up in my own little world, in the monotonous routine of my own little life.  Never really branching out of my comfort zone.  That there was so much more out there in the world that I wasn't experiencing.  Although I had wanted to be doing more to give back, I was definitely too lazy to actually take action.  I have used Joe's moving out as an excuse to finally get out there and do things for my community and start experiencing new things and possibly meet some new people.

So I signed up through a local organization that coordinates volunteer events for all different kinds of organizations in my county.  I just go to their website, look at the calendar and pick something that I think interests me.  There are all different kinds of volunteering opportunities available.  For instance, I can volunteer at a local horse ranch that works with disabled children.  The description says "help clean stables".  Hmmm, no, thanks.  I don't like horses all that much to be shoveling up their crap.  There are "1 day" volunteer opportunities available, like volunteering at a homeless shelter or some some kind of county event like a charity walk/race or whatever.  Then there are long term opportunities, like actually working with a family who has a disabled child and you would be working in their home with whatever kind of help they need (cooking, cleaning, playing with other children in the home, etc.).  This kind of volunteering requires a certain number of days a week and a certain number of hours that are required of you.  It just depends on what kind of time you have and what your comfort level is.  I'm not quite at a point where I would want to work inside someones home and actually become part of their family.  But putting in 3 hours on a Saturday morning is perfectly fine with me.  I have vowed to volunteer at least ONE weekend a month, for a few hours, and so far I have done that.

So the first event I did was for a local fair that was taking place at a horse stable to benefit the disabled children that the stable worked with.  I ended up being assigned the job of checking in all the volunteers that showed up.  Big whoop.  It wasn't exactly the kind of impact I was looking for.  I decided that I wanted opportunities that were a little more hands on.  The only good thing that came out of this event is that the girl I got paired up with to check in the volunteers was super cool and we are friends to this day.  So that was cool.

So this past weekend I signed up for an opportunity to volunteer at a local homeless rehabilitation center.  The description said something along the lines of "sorting new donations" and "organizing the warehouse".  Pretty boring stuff.  However, when we got there, they were looking for some people to volunteer in the kitchen.  "That's me!" I thought.  So we started out just prepping some food trays then they offered to let us actually serve the food for the lunch shift.  I was a little nervous, "OMG, actual homeless people".  I didn't really know what to expect.  So all these people start coming in for lunch.  They were young, old, able bodied, disabled, men, women, children.  All walks.  All shapes.  All sizes.  And they looked just like you and me.  I couldn't help but wonder about a lot of them "how did they end up here?"  "Could I ever end up here?"  Hours before, I was debating the life changing decision of the Nook or the Kindle and now here I was serving a homeless pregnant woman a sandwich (I tried to find the biggest one for her, lol).  Makes me feel selfish and self centered.  I stress about having enough money to take my kids on a "well deserved" vacation.  These people don't have enough money to buy themselves a "well deserved" pair of shoes.  It's quite humbling.

I think my dream volunteer job would be to work in a NICU unit and help take care of all those sick little babies.  Feed them bottles, rub their back in their incubators, change teeny weeny diapers.  It would be like always having a baby but never having to raise another one.

Go Here to donate your time or pay it forward on 9/11.  You will make a difference in someones life.  Somewhere, somehow.

Old Photographs

So I have this picture collage that hangs in my bedroom.  It's been hanging there for years already.  But it's always had one picture missing.  The picture size is very small.  2x2.  For years I've struggled to find the perfect picture for that very last spot.  No picture ever seemed right.  Well last night I found the perfect picture.

When my dad was selling his townhouse last year he started bringing me everything in his house by the car load full.  I think he thought that most of the stuff was "my moms" and, naturally, I should want it.  Most of this stuff I did not want and gave to Goodwill.  When my Mom first died my sister and I had gone through her jewelry and picked out the pieces we wanted.  Years ago my Dad had given me most of their Christmas stuff.  So, pretty much, I already had everything I wanted from his house.  The only thing he ended up bringing me that I later realized I really wanted was all their photographs.  40+ years of photographs and memories.  He did do a very good job of sorting out all the photographs and misc belongings he had of mine and all my brothers.  He sorted everyone's things into boxes that all ended up in MY garage.

I've had these photos for over a year now but never really took the time to look through them all.  But last night I took the bag out of my closet and went through every single one.  All the photos were great but two of them really stuck out at me.

The first was a photo of my mom and dad with my 3 brothers (all wearing matching overalls!) sitting on a couch.  It is dated July 6, 1974.  Two months before I was born.  Unfortunately, you can't really see my mom's pregnant belly but I know I'm in there.  Ged was about 13, Ed was about 10 and Kevin was about 8 (and they're all wearing matching overalls?).  All 3 of them were so freaking cute.  My mom was 31.  So young and beautiful.  My dad was 39.  WOW.  I am definitely framing this one.

The second photo was of my mom sitting on a brick wall.  She is wearing a fancy white dress with puff sleeves.  She has a corsage on her left shoulder, her legs crossed, and her hands folded in her lap with a pair of white heels on.  Black and white.  It's dated July 1960.  18 yrs old.  And it fits perfectly in that last 2x2 spot...

Seeing a picture of my mom that is 51 yrs old freaked me out a bit.  When I first realized how old the picture was I thought to myself, no that can't be right.  I, literally, sat there and counted the years on my fingers again.  I don't know why.  Her birthday was at the end of this month.  She would have been 69 this year.

Out of a 9 picture collage, my mom made the cut 3 times.  The only other person to hold that honor is Liam.

Someone else said it so perfectly...

Wow, I was reading one of my blogs today and came across this post from a recently divorced Mom:

Imagine a world in which your children only were tucked into beds under your roof two weeks out of every month.

Imagine a world in which mornings did not always include a sweet sleepy face saying “Good morning Mommy”.

Imagine a world, in which your baby did, said and tried new things for the first time and you hear about it afterwards.

Imagine not being able to see or touch the soft hair of the person you gave birth to, because the court says it’s not your day.

Imagine walking out of a house, hearing your child screaming for you, sobbing, and having to just keep walking. Because your parenting time has ended for the week.

Imagine having to give up all your carefully laid plans on raising your girl, because now you only have control over her environment on pre-planned out days.

Imagine worrying that her parents living in two separate places and no longer functioning as a family will harm her in ways you can’t even envision yet.

Imagine you go days without physical touch of another human.

Unless you’ve been there. You cannot imagine. You cannot know the heartbreak. You cannot know the tears that are shed, the sobs that echo off walls. You cannot know the longing for the feel of her little hand tucked into mine. You cannot know the twisting of my heart as I smile for her, never letting her know my sadness.

When I say I cry, when I say I shed tears over something, don’t tell me I’m silly. Don’t trivialize my pain.

You don’t know my heart. You’ve no right to judge my heart.

Be grateful for your life. If it’s as good as you say, you don’t need to tear down my already battered emotions with your superiority.

Imagine that small words, tucked into sentences, have the power to hurt.

I hope all you ever have to do is imagine.


I don't think I could say it any better.

Do you suffer from Bitchface? Apparently I do...

I was listening to the radio yesterday and they were doing a segment on the "Bitchface".  Bitchface is when a woman has a permanent scowl on her face even though she is perfectly happy and/or content.  All these women were calling up saying stuff like "I know I have bitchface b/c people are ALWAYS asking me 'what's wrong?' or 'why are you mad?' even though I am in a perfectly good mood when they ask."  And I'm thinking to myself, I get that ALL THE TIME.  If I'm not actively engaged with someone, the natural look on my face, apparently, always looks bitchy.  I have literally heard this from people my entire life.  I feel so relieved to know that it has a name now.  Bitchface.  Joe has certainly "accused" me of being mad all the time.  Apparently, he just didn't realize that I suffer from a real condition.  Nor did I.  And, obviously, I am not alone.

Over the past few months, I know I have had permanent bitchface because, indeed, I have been feeling bitchy.  The look on my face certainly let people know "leave me alone.  I am not interested in talking to you."  But recently, I have been trying to be aware of how I must look to other people and I consciously (btw, I spelled consciously correct the very first time I typed it, I'm so proud of myself) try to keep a "soft" look on my face so I seem more approachable to people.  What guy wants to approach the bitchface in a bar?  Not many, I'm assuming.

So guys next time you see me with bitchface, don't ask what's wrong, just have pity on me.  It's a real thing.  I wonder if there's a pill I can take?

Uh oh, I feel a pity party coming on...

Guys, I've been through break ups before.  Albeit, they were a LONG time ago.  But this one seems so monumental.  So life altering.  And, in reality, it is.  I just can't seem to get past my feelings of "why is this happening to us?"  Oh, woe is me, I know.  I'm the only person in the world that's ever been dumped.  Sometimes I am so self-absorbed that I actually forget there are more horrible things going on in the world.  That other people have problems too.

There have been times through this separation where I have compared it to going through a death.  And in some ways it is.  The death of all the dreams I had of Joe and I raising our family together.  The death of my relationship with someone that I was positive would always have my back.  The death of my marriage vows that I took so seriously the day I got married.  Sometimes I wake up and "forget" the real situation I'm in, then it hits me like a ton of bricks.  Pity party starting in 3... 2... 1...

{pity party start}


Joe has other women in his life now.  He is forming relationships with other women.  Yes, I write women because it's plural.  4 weeks after he moved out of the home we built together he was already meeting other women.  How could he have moved on so quickly?  How could he be "there" so quickly?  How could he sit across from the table at dinner and look into the face of someone who is not me?  How could he lay in bed next to someone who doesn't smell like me?  How come love isn't enough in a relationship?  I thought he loved me?  How do you not fight for the one you love?  How could he dismiss me so easily?  These questions go through my mind just about everyday.  The thought of being with someone else right now seems like a million miles away to me.  And I'm walking those million miles with a broken foot and no water.

{pity party end}


I realize Joe and I are in two totally different positions.  He is the dumper, I am the dumpee.  It's always harder being the dumpee.  My ego feels left behind that he was able to be with other people so quickly and I am not.  But certainly, I'm not going to rush things just to save face.  But hey, if you guys have any single friends that would be interested in a slightly chunky, super flabby, dangerously close to 40 (OMG, when the heck did that happen?) semi-single mom of 2, send him my way!  Just kidding (sort of).  I've been enjoying being my own person in the world again.  Answering only to myself.  Eating dinner in front of the TV (major no no when the kids are home), walking around in my underwear (thank goodness for those new curtains in my bedroom) and taking a nap whenever I damn well please (although, I noticed that I am not napping nearly as much as I thought I would, weird.).  Maybe the single life ain't so bad after all...

Facebook is getting annoying

I suppose it's not Facebook itself, but rather, the users of Facebook.  At the risk of offending some people that might read this blog, here are some of my most hated types of posts:

• the vague post - i.e. - "praying for answers...tomorrow is going to be a big day!"  I think sometimes people forget that people on Facebook are not with them 24/7 so therefore, when you post something this vague, PLEASE TELL US WHAT THE EFF YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!  And please, when someone comments on your post and asks "what's going on?", please DON'T write back and inform us, but rather, keep us in suspense forever.
•  the honeymooner post - i.e. - "Happy one week anniversary to my husband! This time a week ago I was getting all dolled up for my walk down the aisle! Thank you to everyone who has posted photos of our special day!"  Oh good Lord, are we going to see a happy anniversary message to your new husband every week?  EVERYONE has one of these in their friends list.
• the WAY-TOO-MUCH-INFORMATION post - i.e. - "was able to take a shower! Woohoo! It is the little things in life that make me happy. Doing a bit better. Still weak (you would be too if you have been laying down for a week) and can only walk a little at a time but I will get there. Baby steps. Thanks for the phone calls and messages:) You all rock! (and thank you to my hubby because he is my rock and has been doing everything. He is awesome:)"  Wow, I thought Facebook had a character limit for posts?  Obviously, it is higher than 406, which is what that post is.  Facebook, get on that.  Be more like Twitter, 140 characters or less.  Otherwise, just start a damn blog.

• the everyone must know every minute of what I'm doing post - i.e. -"We off to the wild wild west......"  Fabulous.  Are you there yet?  I'm sure you'll let us all know in about 20 minutes when you "check in".

Honestly, I could go on and on... and these are actual posts that I've had in my news feed from the past week.  And don't even get me started on the poor grammar and misspellings.  Then there are people that never do anything on Facebook and I kind of wonder why they are even on there in the first place.  I am EXTREMELY picky about who I am friends with on Facebook.  And I have no problem unfriending people for whatever ridiculous reason I see fit.  I'm a little like Seinfeld in that way.  I will break up with your ass if you annoy me.  But, of course I am not one of these annoying Facebook users.  I mean, check out some of my gems from the past month:


8am root canal. not happy about this at all.

i could seriously eat a whole can of pringles pickle flavored chips. YUUUMMMYYYY!!!!

was listening to the radio -- heard one song called california king bed then another song called good girls don't grow on trees. seriously, who writes this crap?

ice cream shakes with my punkies on a HOT SoFla day! life is good.

Who wouldn't want to be friends with that? 

Guys, this is all in fun.  If you recognize any of these posts as your own, I still love you.  BUT, I might have to unfriend you.  No offense.

My boy is growing up

I picked Liam up from his last day of school last Thursday.  I was expecting him to be jumping around all excited that "yay, it's the last day of school!"  Instead, he's all mopey and dragging his backpack on the floor.  I ask him, "what's wrong, why aren't you excited?"  He says, I'm gonna miss school and my friends.  So I put my arm around him and tell him it will be OK.  I expected him to cheer up once we got home.  Instead, a few hours later he is still acting mopey.  I ask again, "what's wrong Liam?"  Answer, "I miss my friends and Ben isn't coming back to school next year".  Aaahhh, Ben.  Ben is his BFF he says.  Ben is moving away he says.  Liam is experiencing his first heart break, I realize.

The night goes on and I eventually put the kids to bed.  I'm brushing my teeth and in walks Liam all teary eyed and announces "I miss school and Ben".  WOW.  I don't think I've ever seen him crying over feelings for another human being before.  Ever.  He didn't even cry when we told him Joe was moving out of our house.

So we climb into my bed and I ask him if I can snuggle him.  Liam doesn't snuggle.  Now, we're snuggling and he is just sobbing crying about how much he is going to miss Ben and his school.  So we have a touching conversation about Ben and life and he tells me how much it's just so unfair sometimes.  I know kid.  It was an amazing watching-my-kid-mature-right-in-front-of-my-eyes bonding moment and I thank God I was able to be there with him and share it with him.  I don't know if I made him feel any better but I hope I did.

After he fell asleep and I was laying there I became a little sad that Joe wasn't able to be there to share in that moment.  And I became sad to know that Liam and Jill will have moments like that when I am not around and I will not be able to always be there for them.  I am will be missing out on 50% of my kids' "moments".  Liam, you don't have to tell me about how life is so unfair sometimes.  I know kid.

I think I'm becoming a shop-a-holic

I think about going shopping almost all the time.  If I'm not shopping in stores, I'm shopping (or at least browsing) online.  Over the past 3 weeks I've bought new pants, new purse, unmentionables, picture frames, paint and even a shower curtain (I removed those ugly glass doors and put up a nice curtain in the kids' bathroom).  Did I really need all this stuff?  Some I did, some I didn't.  I just bought some new curtains for my bedroom which I "needed".  But really, I kind of did.  I have two windows in my bedroom that I have NEVER put any window treatments on.  They face the neighbors house.  We've had neighbors on that side for over a year already.  It was time.  (and they look fabulous by the way :))

I think about leaving work at lunchtime to go shopping (because I'm bored).  I want to go shopping on weeknights when I don't have the kids (because I'm bored).  I want to go shopping on weekends when I don't have the kids (because I'm bored).  Funny, I never really want to go shopping WITH the kids.  Constantly having to tell them to "stop running", "get off the floor" and "if you break that, you're paying for it" is NOT fun.  I think it's a combination of wanting to spend money and dreading being in the house all by myself.  Now, I'm not the kind of person that doesn't like to be alone.  I like alone time just fine.  BUT, I do find myself feeling a bit of dread just knowing I'm showing up to an empty house.  Once I'm in the house, and alone, I'm fine.  I guess I'm still getting used to this part.  And shopping seems to be filling that void right now.  It's emotional shopping -- I don't have a problem (and I really do stick to my budget).  Really.  But I can def see now how people get addicted to shopping, food, gambling, etc.  It literally, fills a void and feels good no matter how destructive it is.

The actual act of shopping is not always that fun.  It's the spending money part that leads to that endorphine rush that just feels so good.  Sometimes I have a hard time deciding on what to buy.  I will stand there for 10 min contemplating what item to choose, what color to choose, argue with myself over the price, "do I really need this?".  Then I just have to walk away, distract myself with something else and go back and make a decision.  You should've seen me trying to pick a shower curtain.  Yikes.  I had to walk away about 3 times and go back.  Just too much choice!

I've decided to replace the glass shower doors in my bathroom as well.  See you next month Kohl's!  I'll miss you until then...

Letting go.

It's been an interesting week guys.  After my last post about Joe and I things between us have changed drastically.  It's weird, after I found that email and confronted him about it I thought I was going to be really mad at him for a long time.  But it's actually had the exact opposite effect on me.  I feel more comfortable with him then I have in a very long time.  I haven't wanted to punch him in the face for over a week, LOL!!  I explained to Joe that just knowing the truth has set me free (so corny, I know, but it's TRUE!).  I have let go of all the expectations I had of him, the expectations I had of myself, the disappointment of unmet said expectations.  I explained to him that I was not upset with him about how he feels but rather how he approached the whole situation.  I also realize that, in Joe's mind, it was very hard for him to tell me the painful truth.  The truth that he didn't want to be with me anymore, the truth that his heart wasn't with me anymore, the truth that he wanted to be with other women.  Those things are hard to say to someone you have been with for so long.

Over the past week we've been talking very openly and honestly about the state of our relationship, our feelings and even dating of other people.  It has been the most we've talked and the most honest we've been with each other in a very long time.  It's surreal talking to your husband about a girl he met and went on a date with.  But like I told Joe, I feel like less of a fool knowing it's going on then thinking it's going on.  The "thinking" and the not knowing eat at you like a disease.  It becomes all consuming, all you can think about.  You, literally, become a crazy person.  A person you don't recognize.  A person you don't particularly like.  I don't like being that person.  I don't want to be that person.  I have let go of that person.  Sometimes I think it's a little sick and twisted and perverted of me to want to know about him and other woman but it just honestly makes me feel better.  Maybe it's because I know he talks to his friends about this stuff.  I feel like a fool knowing that everyone else knows except me!  Is that weird of me??  Be honest.

So where do we stand?  I don't know.  We're not getting back together anytime soon.  But at least communication has been open and honest.  I am living with no expectations at this point.  We'll see where it leads.  I've decided to continue going to counseling by myself as well.  Hopefully I can work a few things out.

In other news, I have a date this weekend!  Am I ready for this?  I don't know.  I have no expectations.  I just want to spend time with someone nice and have a little fun.  It's a little overwhelming.  I've thought about cancelling at least 5 times.  But I'm not going to.  It's just one date.

Animal free

For the first time since 1995 I am animal free!  Joe took Marley over the weekend.  No more puke piles all over the carpet to clean up.  No more litter box to clean.  No more scratches all over my feet from when he would attack my feet under the covers all night long.  No more incessant crying all night long.  No more psycho kitty.  No more scratching up my furniture (although all my furniture is completely wrecked because of him anyway).

I haven't screamed muttered the phrases "put the cat down!" "leave the cat alone!" or "get the cat out of that cabinet right now!" in about 5 days now.  How glorious...

The only thing that is freaking me out a little bit is when I hear a noise in the middle of the night.  I would always think to myself "oh, it's just the cat" patroling the house not an ax-wielding, raping, serial killer who is going to kidnap and torture me for the next 10 days before he kills me.

I could see myself never living with another animal for the rest of my life... besides my kids, of course.

I can't wait for school to be out

Only 2 weeks left!  Liam is such a difficult homework doer.  Last night for example.  He had one page to do in his Math book and 3 worksheets to complete.  This took well over an hour for him to finish.  If I am not physically sitting next to him at the table then he sees this as an excuse to get up and play with the cat, play with his toys, run off with Jill and whatever else he can do to stall.  One of his worksheets was to number 4 sentences in the correct order of events then rewrite the sentences below.  Ugh.  He acts as if writing ONE sentence is just the worst thing that could happen to him.  Let alone rewriting 4.  Just the amount of whining over it wastes 15 min.  Anytime he has a writing activity I know it's going to be difficult, for ME!  I need a break.

This will be the first summer in many years where we will not be taking a family trip.  Sad :(  I have a week of vaca in Aug and I want to take a trip with them but not sure what to do yet.  I'll figure it out.

I worked out with my job where I will be working a split shift for the summer.  So basically, I work until about 2:45 at the office, pick the kids up by 3, then work the rest of the afternoon from home.  I did this last summer for the first time and it was GREAT!  It saves me money on summer camp picking them up early, I get a few extra hours at home to get stuff done (as long as it's not busy at work) and I get a few extra hours with the kids every day.  It's perfect.

As I was picking up Liam from school yesterday I was so excited.  I could just feel that the school year is winding down, summer is right around the corner and I just remembered how this is my FAVORITE time of the year.  I love summer.  (I know it's technically not summer yet but it might as well be here it's so dang hot already!)  I love the long days, going to the pool, no school, relaxed schedule.  It just makes me feel alive and happy.  The whole atmosphere of summer is my absolute favorite!

Also, Jill graduates from Pre-K next week.  My baby girl!  In just a few weeks I will officially have a 3rd grader and a Kindergartener.  WOW!  When did that happen?

Anyone have any good summer plans?

Snooping

Guys, if you're gonna snoop you better be prepared for what you might find.  I snooped.  I thought I was above this type of immature behavior but apparently I am not.  And I found an email I did not want to find.  The vindictive bitch inside of me wanted to scan the email and post it here.  But the sensible side of me knew that isn't a very nice thing to do.  So I'll just give you some highlights.  Joe was writing to a friend to tell him how he is "winning" at the cat and mouse chase he has going on with girl A at work.  Apparently, they were at odds for some reason so he had been "flirting with the two new hot girls" all week "in the face" of girl A to make her jealous.  At the end of this email, he mentions that he spent 2 hours on the phone with girl D and that she's "very cool".   Yeah....

Why does this make me so angry?  Well, the previous night I had gathered up all my strength to call my own husband on the phone and have a conversation with him.  He hasn't spoken to me since our last therapist appt which was 3 weeks ago.  I tell him that I don't like how he has been ignoring me for weeks.  That I feel over the last few months that he has really just been using me and making me look like a fool (he had no idea what he was doing to "make me look like a fool").  Once again, I ask him about him being with any other women, he denies it.  Again.  He still insists he "doesn't know" what he wants yet.  During this conversation I ask him to just be honest with me and tell me what's going on because if it's over I want to move on with my life.  He asks "well, how are you going to move on?"  I said, "well, I'll stop wondering if you still care about me.  I'll stop wondering if you miss me, miss our family.  I'll stop wondering where you are every moment and wondering who you're having sex with.  I'll stop waiting for you to come home".  And still, he doesn't fess up to anything.  I still have this fantasy that Joe is going to bust through the front door one day with flowers and tell me how much he loves me and how he can't live without me.  Because he's not telling me that he doesn't want to be with me, I still have hope.

So, after I find the email, I print it out and handed it to him when he came in the morning to drop off Jill.  I simply said "this answers all my questions".  He says nothing to me and we head out to start our days.  He then fires off an email to me reprimanding me about snooping and going through his personal email.  He goes on to tell me that I am an unhappy person and that when he thinks of our future together all he can think of is unhappiness.  He also said he was going to start dating.  Ouch.  Very big ouch.  He also recognizes that he is the cause of some of my unhappiness yet he can't be with me because I am so unhappy.  Oh, the irony.  (is that irony?)  That really hurt but at least it was his truth.  Finally.  He's felt this for a long time but he just wasn't telling me.  All I have asked him for was the truth all along.  Instead, he chose to string me along and continue to tell me untruths.  I told him I am utterly disappointed in him for choosing to treat me this way and choosing to end our relationship this way.  He apologized for all the pain he is causing me and said he realizes how keeping the whole truth from me for so long was def not the right way to handle the situation.

The crazy thing is I have also had thoughts that getting back with Joe would just be a lifetime of unhappiness.  But, I don't know, I just wasn't ready to let go.  He is the love of my life.  I still don't feel like I can just let go of that.

In one way I am so completely and utterly devastated.  More devastated than any other point in this separation.  I, honestly, never believed we would be in this situation.  My husband is going to be fucking other people.  The thought is just more than I can bare.  I honestly don't know how I am going to get through the next few weeks.  I just want to go to sleep and wake up in a year.  When all the heartache is gone.  When I can feel like a normal human being again.

And in one way I am so relieved that the truth is finally out.  I can finally stop waiting.  I can now start to heal and move on.  Wish me luck guys.  See you on the flip side...

(Trying to) Move on...

Hi everyone.  I apologize for my absence lately.  I've been in a bit of a funk.  It's been hard for me lately trying to put my thoughts and feelings down in an organized way.  I went to MN for a few days to visit my brother and his wife. My other brother and his wife drove up from IA for a few days as well.  It's such a rare thing that I get to see all my brothers in the same year, let alone, over a 1 month span.  So that was awesome.  We did some sight seeing stuff and had tons of fun doing some brewery tours and drinking lots of free beer.  Thanks Ged for being our DD!

I hadn't cried in a while and took that as a sign of "getting better" and "moving on".  But then, on the flight to MN I just started crying.  In my defense, I was listening to Sarah McLachlan on my iPod.  Her songs could make anyone cry during their happiest time.  That kind of set the tone for the rest of the trip.  It was a great trip and I really enjoyed the time with my brothers and sisters-in-law but I felt a little... distracted at times.

I go through stretches of time when I feel like I want to move on with my life already.  I'm tired of just sitting here, being ignored, waiting for Joe to make the final decision about our future(s).  This is bullshit the way he's treating me.  I feel as if  I'm being treated like some woman he just met a few months ago and if he just continues to ignore me I'll eventually go away.  Not like his fucking wife of 8 years and mother of his children who deserves the respect of being spoken to and "kept in the loop".  Why can't I just make the decision to end it?  I don't know, but I can't.  So I just sit here and wait.

Sometimes I practically hate him and just want him out of my life forever.  I can barely look him in the face.  I just literally want to punch him.  I want to make him hurt.  I hate what he is doing to me.  I wonder how I will ever get past this.  I wonder how I could ever forgive him.  I wonder how we could ever be together again.

Update on the chairs:  3 down 3 to go.  I have one chair w/ the flower pattern fabric done and I LOVE it!  I'll be honest, I don't think the green or the flower fabric matches the decor of the dining room (or the rest of the house probably) but I don't care, they look awesome!  This is why I am not an interior designer.

1 down, 5 to go

I started to reupholster my dining room chairs.  Old cushion fabric:

eewwwwwww.....

New cushion fabric:

 so nice...

The only issue is that the green of the fabric totally does not match the green of the dining room paint.  Ugh.  Oh well.  At least they look nice.  I also got this fabric to do 2 accent chairs in.

The first chair took me about an hour and 15 min total to do.  It took so long to get all those dang staples out.  My hand was killing me afterwards.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all the fabulous hard working moms I know!  Have a wonderful day and do something just for yourself!

At a loss

I am at a loss.  I just don't know what to do from here.  There is SO MUCH that I go through with Joe that I don't tell you guys.  I don't write it because I don't want to seem like I'm bashing him.  I don't write it because the lines of "what my place is" in this separation are often quite blurry and I, honestly, don't always know when I'm in the wrong (or right?).  And most of all I don't write it because I feel like I've finally given up and everyone will blame me for breaking up my family.

I don't write how Joe refuses to speak to me outside of the 4 walls of our therapist's office.  How he says things in therapy that are so dumbfounding that they render me speechless after he completely throws me under the bus.  After all, Joe is the one that pushed for therapy, right?  He is the one that insisted we continue going even after he moved out.  I'm the one that complains about it, right?  It would seem, to all of you out there, that Joe is trying really hard to keep things together, right?  Not so much.  Have you ever tried to work out an issue with someone who won't speak to you?  Needless to say, it's impossible.

I don't write about how the girl he "went on a date with" texted him for two weeks afterwards telling him how much she loved him and missed him and how she thought there was such a connection between them.  How she still texts him to tell him this.  How Joe and I sat in the garage before our therapy appointment the other night when he was telling me how she recently texted him and he was laughing his head off because he just thinks it's so hysterical that she won't leave him alone.   "after one date she thinks she loves me, ha ha ha" he says to me.  Like I'm one of his buddies.  Not his wife who is talking to him about his stalker.  Yeah, hysterical.

I don't write about how I helped him apartment hunt and packed toiletries and food and housewares from the house to help get him started.  That was not easy for me.  But I was concerned about the kids AND him.  And I just couldn't NOT do it.  Yet, no acknowledgment or thanks from him that I, once again, put him before me. Maybe he just assumed I would do that stuff, and I did.  I guess I'm the sucker there.

I don't write about how Joe has made every single rule of this separation.  How he has called every single shot.  And I've just gone along for the ride.  People would ask me, "well, is this what you want?"  And I would just say "I guess so."  I thought that I was giving Joe what he needed and that he would eventually come around.  Now I just feel strung along.

I don't write about how he seemed more concerned about how the cat was going to take him moving out than how I would.  He said he wanted to wait at least one month to take Marley because "he's gonna freak out" being in a new place.  Wow, thanks for being so thoughtful about that.  You're right, the cat is really going to freak out.  But don't stress yourself about me, I'll be OK.

Joe makes it painfully clear every day that he just doesn't care.  I'm very, very slowly starting to accept this.  I'm not mad that he feels the way he feels.  He can't help it.  It's not necessarily his fault.  These things happen.  He also makes it very clear that he totally adores his children and not being with them is not an option. Which makes me happy.

So, an update on where we stand.  We do not speak to each other unless it's about the weather or how to cook spinach or something about the kids.  We spend zero time alone.  But we do spend time as a "family".  I told Joe I do not want to go to counseling anymore since we are making zero progress.  Joe does not believe in communicating and I do not see this belief of his changing anytime soon.  So, essentially, we are in the same place where we were 4 mos ago.  In the middle of nowhere.

Mowing the lawn

OMG, I mowed my lawn last night for the 2nd time ever.  I swear, you would've thought I had just run a marathon.  It was so dang hot out I was sweating like a pig.  The front lawn wasn't so bad.  But then I had the genius idea to tackle the side and back yard.  After an hour and 15 min, I hadn't even gotten to the back yet.  I decided to leave that for Joe.

I was so pooped afterwards I barely got off the couch for the rest of the night.  It did help me sleep good though I have to say.  The vibration going through the bar that you hold onto, to me, was the most uncomfortable part.  My hands are actually sore today.  It hurts just to type this.  Just kidding, it doesn't.

I think I can safely say I am never doing that again.  Or I'm buying a ride on.

"debbiness"

Have you guys ever wondered what the word debbiness means?  Where it came from?  Well, here's the story.

I was friends with a guy named Willie many years ago.  He had a crush on me.  I was not interested.  One day we were sitting around feeling a little touchy feely from something we had taken.  Don't judge, we had our clothes on.  So anyway, we were touching each others hair and stroking arms and faces and he just blurts out "I love your debbiness."  I just burst out laughing.  So it's basically the essence of me.  I thought it was so funny and it just always stuck with me.

So when I was thinking of a name for my blog, complete debbiness, just made sense.  Go ahead, add "ness" to the end of your name.  Doesn't it feel good??

Heartbroken

I don't think I told you guys the story of how we told the kids that Joe was going to be moving out.  Joe and I had been stressing for weeks over this conversation.  We thought there would be crying and freaking out and hystericalness (and not just on my part).  So we open the conversation with "well, you know how daddy has been living in the guest bedroom for a while now?  well, daddy is going to be moving out and getting his own apt now."  {looks of confusion, blank stares} "you're still going to be living with both of us, just separately now"  {looks of confusion, blank stares}  "what's going on with daddy and I has nothing to do with you guys, we still love you guys very much.  we just can't fix our problems right now"  {looks of confusion, blank stares}  Joe chimes in, "my apt has a pool"  The kids:  "can we go right now?  is there a deep end?  can i jump in the deep end?"  By the end Joe and I just looked at each other like, did we just mess that up?  How do they not even care?  I had a stomach ache for two weeks even thinking of this conversation and they seem totally fine.

Over the past few weeks EVERYONE has been asking me "so how are the kids taking it?"  And all I can say is "they seem to be doing fine".  I mean, there have been a few comments here and there from them.  But for the most part they have not been all that verbal about what they are going through.  I constantly ask them how they are.  Let them know they can talk to me if they want to talk about their feelings about the situation.  Nothing.  Not a peep.  We've just been living life like normal.

This am we had a conference with Liam's teacher.  She says he's been doing all his work and passing everything but that he's slacking off a bit.  Not motivated.  Not focused.  Not participating as much.  She's really "noticed a change in him the past few weeks".  She's concerned that he could "slip" in his progress if we don't light a fire under his ass.  Ugh, sinking feeling in my stomach.  At this point, we haven't told his teacher about the situation.  And all I can think to myself is "you really need to tell her what's going on at home".  But she was talking, the kids are sitting right there and it is just all around awkward to bring it up.  So I don't say anything.  So we finish the conference and as we're walking out the door she says to me "Liam told me about what's going with you guys."  So apparently, it's weighing on him enough that he is reaching out to people that are NOT us.  Which is OK with me.  As long as he feels comfortable enough to speak to someone about it.

Ugh, I feel so bad for him.  I really wish he didn't have to go through this.  It just breaks my heart into a million pieces that our problems have to affect him.  It just breaks my heart into a million pieces to know that I am the cause of stress in his life right now.  He didn't ask for any of this.  I feel like I'm totally failing at life motherhood right now.  Where is Charlie Sheen when I need him?