Honeysuckle

I can remember being young and picking honeysuckle flowers. I would pick out the stamen of the flower and there would be ONE drop of nectar. And I would eat that ONE drop of nectar.  But I don't remember where I actually picked these flowers. Or what they actually looked like. What I remember the most is what they smelled like. 

I've talked before about what a bad memory I have. And mostly I've joked about it. But the truth is, there's so much of my life I don't actually remember and it makes me sad that I don't remember it.  Other people remember their lives. Why don't I?  Why am I talking about this?  Because I walked into my house tonight and it smelled like honeysuckle. I have no idea why.  But all of a sudden I remembered honeysuckle. Which leads me to another phenomena I suffer from - phantom smells...

Hi Y'all

Wow, it's been 6 weeks already since I've posted.  I got a new computer at work and now I can't access Blogger from work.  It's a Google thing.  I have so many work Google accounts and I don't know which one is associated to my Blogger login and so it cookies me and blocks me and it's confusing.  I understand Google less than I understand iTunes.  So now I can only post from home.  I'll try to be better about logging in from home.

We celebrated Jill's 8th bday a few weeks ago.  Can't believe how grown up that girl is.  I made her a pink lemonade cake.  It was yummy.

Liam has started to venture out into the world on his own.  He is now riding his bike to a friend's house in the neighborhood.  It's kind of scary knowing he's out there all by himself but he has really been pushing me for more independence.  But he kind of takes it overboard.  Because he can go to his friend's house alone now he wants inappropriate video games, to be a "walker" and stay home alone all afternoon, and to watch the movie "chucky" (But my friend has seen it like 15 times, MOM)  I said geez Liam, you don't have to do ALL THE GROWN UP THINGS at once now, you know.  One thing at a time kid.

Andrea and I went to Key West and Dry Tortugas last month.  It was pretty awesome.  We met a lot of fun people and had a great time.  Dry Tortugas Park was super cool.  Literally, a huge fort and lighthouse out in the middle of the ocean.  Two lighthouses actually.  The fort itself has it's own light, then there is Loggerhead lighthouse about 3 miles away on another island.  Watched a beautiful sunset from Mallory Square.  It was really a great trip.  It had been about 10 yrs since I'd been to Key West.

I participated in a breast cancer walk last weekend.  It was tons of fun!  I was the second highest fundraiser on my team.  Thank you SO MUCH to everyone that donated!  It def went to a good cause!!

Besides that, not too much is going on.  Just living another day in paradise people...

Meet Skipper

Jill begged me for about three days to get her a rabbit for her birthday.  As most of you know, I have zero desire to take care of any living creatures that I did not give birth to. But, I finally caved.

He is pretty cute though. It's only been 2 days so we are still getting used to him. I've never spent any significant time around a rabbit before. He's kind of jittery and always wants to be moving. 

Just look at those buggy eyes. But Jill is seriously SO happy to have her own little pet and she's been very responsible so far. Now Liam wants a cat. Ugh, I don't know. That is just living creature overload for me. I don't think I can do it. 

Back to school

I know I say this every year, but I just can't believe another summer break is winding down.  Another school year starting.  Liam will be in 5th grade this year.  I remember when he was starting kindergarten thinking that he had so many years ahead of him in this big new school.  Now, he's a "5th grader".  No one above him.  He doesn't seem very excited for this school year.  I hope that changes once school starts.  He has changed so much this year.  His behavior constantly reminding me he isn't a little kid anymore.  I can't get away with half the stuff I used to with him.

Jill is heading into second grade.  I think she's more excited about her school wardrobe rather than actual school.  But Jill loves school.  I have no doubt she'll have a great year.  She'll be 8 yrs old (going on 15) in just 5 short weeks.

As usual, time is just flying by.  It never seems to slow down.  We've had a good summer.  Did a lot of fun stuff.  Have some fun stuff coming up.

I've been trying to meditate in an attempt to "reach my higher consciousness" and "get to know my true self".  Have you ever meditated (or tried to?)?  It's hard.  I don't think I'm doing it right.  But I will continue trying.  Deepak Chopra and Oprah are doing this free 21 day meditation challenge.  If you're interested, check it out:  https://chopracentermeditation.com/home/?acode=oprah&utm_source=20130724&utm_medium=OcomHPRR&utm_campaign=1

Liam quit football.  I can't say I'm 100% disappointed.  That league was seriously a full time commitment.  Over 12 hrs of practice a week.  Game days, parents were expected at the field for EVERY game of the league.  NOT just your  kids game.  Forced volunteering for parents at the concession stands for the ENTIRE game day.  Geez, Liam likes football, but come on now.  These kids and parents are all consumed with this.  Liam wasn't down with it.  And I would've stuck it out for him if he wanted to play but, honestly, I wasn't down with it either.  Joe and I gave our best speeches about "once you make a commitment you have to follow it through Liam", "you signed up for the team and they need you", "you can't just quit things in life because they're hard".  And on and on.  Not to mention how much money we (mostly Joe) invested in this league.  But not a word of it swayed him.  We let him know that ultimately it was his decision and we weren't going to force him to do something that he was not enjoying.  He decided he didn't want to play anymore and that was that.  I admire how Liam had the guts to stand up for himself to me and Joe and didn't just force himself to do something that he didn't want to do just to please us.  That kid's got some guts.  I told him that I "admire that he's living his life for himself, and not us".  He says he's willing to give football another chance in the future.  So I know he's not completely traumatized by the whole situation.  I think Joe and I made the right decision for his well being.  Parenting WIN!

Enjoy the rest of your summer everyone!

Hi, my name is Debbie and I'm an over reactor

It's true.  I've had to apologize many times for my over reacting tendencies.  At the time you are over reacting you feel very justified in your behavior.  I have an opinion and I'm going to express it dammit!  But afterwards, you're just like, you know, that wasn't the biggest deal ever.  Then you usually just feel like an idiot and knowing you have to apologize for being such an idiot is dreadful.

I got upset today over a slight misunderstanding about a woman that Joe has been spending time with, with the kids.  I got pissed off, called him up and demanded to know "who this woman was!?"  And "why is she acting XYZ with MY kids?!"  And she "needs to STOP doing XYZ with MY kids bc I don't like it!"  Well, that's what I meant to say at least.  The problem was, I called him right in the middle of my rage.  Which is a big no no for me.  I don't communicate well when I'm all raged up.  I was so bottled up and emotionally distraught that what actually came out of my mouth was just word vomit.  I didn't nearly get out my well practiced "speech" as well as I had it in my mind.  Ugh.  So now I just look like a lunatic.  Who the heck takes a lunatic seriously?

When my friend Lisa was going through her divorce she would say "ya know, people tell you what divorce is like, but no one TELLS you what divorce is like".  (yes, I am aware that Joe and I are not actually divorced, but we are basically living a divorced lifestyle) I totally get what she is saying.  Every single "new" step in the process is just reopening the wound.  The reason it hurts and we lash out is bc it hits us, literally, right in our insecurities and worst fears.  For me at least.  I felt extremely threatened at the thought of another woman in my kids' lives.

So, what, do you think this woman is BETTER than me?
You think she could take care of my kids BETTER than ME?
What if my kids like her better than me?
Is this the beginning of Joe completely abandoning us?

Logically, I know these things are not true.  But it doesn't change the fact that it feels like any one of them could be true.  And it is terrifying.  It literally feels like a punch in the gut.  Just another step in the process I guess...

Football is taking over my life

This is Liam's first season of tackle football.  Practice/conditioning has been going on since May.  I could see the difference between this league and the flag leagues right away.  This is some serious business.  When it was just conditioning, practices were 2 hrs 3 nights a week.  Which was already too much for me.  Joe has always been Liam's head coach so I never really had to go to practices before.  And I liked it that way.  6 hours a week sitting at a football field was just ridiculous and torturous to me.  On Monday, they started full pads practice.  Now practice is 2 1/2 hours 5 nights a week!  12 1/2 freaking hours a WEEK just sitting doing nothing at the field.  OMG.  This is killing me.  I get home from picking the kids up at almost 5:30, then we have to be at the field by 6.  No time for a decent dinner.  No time to relax after a long day at work/summer camp.  When we get home at close to 9 pm, kids have to eat, shower, brush teeth, relax.  Our new bedtime is now 10pm.  Which I don't like at all.  Ugh.  Don't even get me started on what goes through my mind when some kid much bigger than Liam completely flattens him on the field.  I almost started crying last night :(  First game is in 2 weeks.  He is awful cute in his pads though...

Hang gliding

I went hang gliding over the weekend.  I got it on Groupon.  For the actual hang gliding and the "mandatory gratuity" it was less than $100.  For about 7 minutes of hang gliding time.  Yeah.  But it was fun.  I would never pay full price to do it again.  But I would pay for the experience where they bring you 1 mile up.  As opposed to the 1,500 ft I did.  Here are a few pics for you.

Getting loaded in:

Take off:

Getting towed to 1, 500 ft:

Coming in for a landing:

 

Summer Camp

For the first time, the kids are in REAL summer camp.  Having my Dad watch them this summer just wasn't really an option.  They serve free breakfast and lunch, which is awesome.  Except, my kids are so super duper picky in their culinary requirements that what I hear every day is "Lunch was so gross!"  "My burrito was wet!"  "My turkey sandwich had turkey on it!"  Ay, ay, ay.  These kids, I swear.

They go on two to three field trips a week.  Which requires a school bus to get there.  Not crazy about this idea.  But mostly they're having fun and doing lots of stuff there.  And no one has died yet.  However, it really peeves Jill that her camp counselor's daughter is in their group.  Apparently, she shows preferential treatment to her own kid.  They went to the zoo last week and I asked Jill how it was.  "It was terrible.  My counselor only bought her daughter a slushy and NO ONE ELSE!"  Outrageous!  That is downright Jillian abuse.

Overall, they are not crazy about summer camp.  But I really don't have a choice.  Liam is already asking if he can stay home by himself next summer.  Um.  No.

Portraits

Back in 2007, a portrait company went to the kids' daycare and did these fantastic portraits.  I didn't even know about the portrait until they had already finished it and presented it to me.  I was totally taken aback and totally fell in love with it.  I felt that they REALLY captured both of their expressions so perfectly.

So recently, I ordered a new portrait with an updated photo:

I JUST LOVE IT!  I hung them side by side.  I love looking at the two portraits side by side and seeing how much they've grown in 5 yrs.  The sepia toned portraits are just so beautiful and unique.  These make really special gifts!  Here is the company's site: http://www.portraits.org/

Snail shell frames

Jill and I were doing yard work a few weeks ago and I noticed a snail shell in the yard.  So I suggested to her that we should "collect" all the snail shells in the yard.  So 60 shells later I was wondering what the heck we were going to do with all these shells.  So first we soaked them in water and scrubbed all the shells.  We did this about 3 times.  Then we bleached them.  I still had no idea what to do with all these shells, then my friend Andrea suggested doing picture frames.  So I got some plain wooden frames and we started with painting the frames.  Then we glued some shells around.

Then I sprayed each frame with a clear acrylic spray to protect the paint and shells.  I accidentally got a matte finish spray so they didn't come out as glossy as I wanted them to.

But, voila!, the finished product is really cute:

Paddle boarding

Me and the girls went paddle boarding on Memorial Day.  It was a lot of fun!  When I first stood up my legs were shaking like crazy.  Then I realized that I wasn't locking my knees so I was basically holding myself in a squatting position.  My legs are killing me now!  Here are some pics.  Jody had to teeter on her board to get the ones of me!

Seriously guys...

There is something wrong with my brain.  In March, I got the kids some name-written-on-a-grain-of-rice-necklace presents from Bayside (in Miami). So on one side of the rice is their name and on the other side I had their birthday written on it.  So I give Liam his and as I'm showing him how his name is written on one side and his birthday on the other side.  He goes, "I love it, but that's not my birthday".  So I then realize I had his birthday written as 11-26-02.  OMG.  I felt terrible.

I remember standing at the kiosk writing their full names and birthdays down for the guy to write on the rice and just so naturally I wrote 11-26-02.  It never even clicked that that is NOT his birth date.  It's not like I don't have his birthdate TATTOOED ON MY BODY as a permanent reminder or anything!!  OMG, what is wrong with my brain?

Liam loves it and wears it anyway and never asked for a new one.  "Ha ha, this will be one of those things we laugh about in 10 years, Liam..."

Well, THAT was embarrassing...

I don't get embarrassed easily.  Really, I don't.  But, OMG, what I did this weekend was so embarrassing...

I took the kids to the mall and we parked right outside of Kohl's.  Same exact area I ALWAYS park when I go to Kohl's.  So we go in, do our thing, and leave.  So we walk right over to where we parked, very first spot in the row, and it's empty.  Totally empty.  So I'm like "guys, is this where we parked?"  They said, "yes, this is where we parked".  We ALL remember parking right in the very first spot right outside the doors.  So we took the time to walk around the lot a little bit, there weren't a ton of cars so I could see there wasn't another gray Accord to be found.  Ugh.  WTF?  Has my car been stolen?  "F@&k, my work computer was in the trunk!" I think to myself.  I ask the kids again, "ARE WE SURE WE PARKED RIGHT HERE?"  Everyone remembers parking RIGHT THERE!  In the empty spot.  Now I mention I have to call the cops and Jill completely panics.  She starts crying right then.  "Call Daddy, call daddy!"  (that girl cannot handle a stressful situation AT ALL!)  So I call Joe, no answer.  OK.  I see a police car driving through the parking lot and I flag him down. Tell him my sob story, and he asks "ARE YOU SURE YOU PARKED RIGHT THERE?"  Yes, we are ALL sure we parked right here.  So now HE flags down a security guard driving through the parking lot.  (By this time, I've gotten in touch with Joe and he is on his way to pick us up.)  The security guard says "get in, we'll drive around and look for the car".  So he turns the corner of Kohl's and I spot my car, right in the very first spot outside the doors of the OTHER Kohl's entrance.  Everything looked EXACTLY the same, it didn't even occur to me that maybe I was at the wrong entrance.  OMG.  I just almost died.  I apologized profusely and thanked him.  Then the cop car and Joe pull up to my car at pretty much the same exact moment.  I apologize profusely to the officer and thank him as well.  Joe is just sitting in his car laughing at me.  Every time I thought about it for the next 2 hours I couldn't help but laugh about it.  I felt like such an idiot...

Car Riders

So last week I had a few days off work.  The kids decided they wanted to be "car riders".  The kids that get picked up right after school, like from the car lane.  I came to realize that I have NEVER picked them up like this before.  Even before when I would have a day off work, I would just pick them up from after care early.  They were SO EXCITED to be car riders.  Jill said the funniest thing when we were discussing our picking-up-from-the-car-lane plan for the next day.  Her eyes got all wide and she said "but I don't know what to do if I'm a car rider!"  I laughed and said, "don't worry Jill, your teacher will help you."  They felt so prestigious being "car riders" for a few days.  Ugh, if only everything I did pleased them so much...

A bajillion sorrys to my Mom

I had quite the chip on my shoulder towards my parents when I was younger.  Pretty much the whole time I was younger.  And by "parents", of course, mostly I mean my mother.  I really HATED to be forced to do things that I didn't want to do.  Like go to family's house for special occasions or holidays.  Go to the grocery store.  School functions.  You name it.  If it didn't involve my very own plan of going to hang out with my very own friends I had no interest, and by God, she was going to pay for it!  I really had no regard whatsoever that my parents had NO CHOICE but to bring me wherever they went.  I didn't care at all.

Ugh.  What a horrible child I was.  Like my friend Andrea says about her own childhood, "what was I so angry about?!"  LOL.  Seriously.  No idea.

I deal with this very issue now with my darling Liam.  I don't know if it's just the too-cool-for-the-world stage but the kid gives me grief to do anything that does not involve staying home and hanging out with Sean.  It's tough.  A very typical conversation:

Me:  so guys, there's this cool planetarium show tonight that I wanted to bring you guys to.  what do you think?
Jillian:  YAY!  that sounds so cool!!  let's go!!
Liam:  ~~ crickets chirping, blank stare ~~  no.

He looks a little bit like grumpy cat:

[insert almost any situation here] and it's the same reaction.  Once I endure all the whining and complaining and once we're actually there he settles down and will usually enjoy himself.  Unlike me.  I would keep my sour face on the WHOLE time and my mother had to pay for it the WHOLE time.  Ugh.  And never once did she beat me.  I just don't know how she did it.  Actually, I just don't know if there are enough sorrys in the world...

How can someone hate food so much?

I have never, in my life, witnessed someone with such a natural aversion to food other than Liam.  He hates food and he hates to eat.  Literally, since the day he was born he has been like this.  It's weird.  I remember our first day in the hospital together trying to feed him a bottle.  I was having a very difficult time feeding him so the nurses showed me all these little tips and tricks to get "baby" to eat.  I did them ALL.  He would never latch on longer than a few sucks, then right back to sleep.  After about 45 min of trying to feed him a nurse called from the nursery to check on how much he had eaten.  I was so excited to tell her "he drank 1/2 an oz (out of a 2 oz bottle) of the bottle!", she said "that's not a good feeding".  I said, "well it took me 45 min to get him to drink that much!"  Over the years, it hasn't gotten much better than that.  I would worry so much over his eating habits that I have actually cried over it.  I have literally put him to bed on a growling stomach before because he would just absolutely refuse to eat.  Ever.  There was one point when he was 5th percentile on the weight chart.  That means that 95% of children his age weighed more than him.  He's still at least 10 lbs under weight.  For the most part I have learned to just accept this about Liam, but it still freaks me out.

But there is also this strange phenomenon with him where he eats for other people!  I remember my dad babysitting him one night and me saying "well, you know how he is with eating.  If you could get him to eat anything I would be happy".  So I get home and my dad goes on to tell me he ate eggs and potatoes and whatever else.  I cocked my head and said "Liam?  Liam ate all that?"  All foods I have made him before that he would never touch.  But all of this was mostly when he was younger.  He's gotten a little bit better since he's gotten older.  At least now he will mostly try new foods.  But in most situations he first reaction to food or mealtime is NO!  It really takes a lot of coaxing to get him in an eating mindset.

A lot of mealtimes turn into a big struggle with him.  There are times he approaches near meltdown stage when faced with the fact that he has to eat.  Especially, I notice, when you suggest going OUT to eat with him.  It starts with whining about how he doesn't want to stop whatever it is he is doing to go.  Then there's always lots of discussion about where or what we'll be eating.  That's almost always an issue.  The other day I wanted to take them out for tacos so I told him we were going to Tijuana Flats.  Right away the "I don't want tacos!  I don't want to go out to eat!" started.  (I know he likes tacos just fine.  It's not like I'm trying to force him to eat something he doesn't like!)  Pissy face and attitude the WHOLE time in the car.  "I'm not eating tacos!  I only want nachos!"  Fine, I order him nachos.  But of course they're not the right kind of nachos he wants.  So whining and complaining starts all over again.  After a few minutes of him getting himself into eating mode he notices how awesome my tacos look and says "I don't want these nachos.  I want a taco."  I just gave him an evil death stare.  There are definitely times when he just refuses to eat anything from a restaurant and will just sit there and wait until we get home to eat (or not).  I always wonder what the waitress thinks when I have to say "oh, he's not eating".  It is a literal feat when Liam actually finishes a meal.  It's a very rare thing.  A lot of times a white bread sandwich is too much food for him and he just can't finish it.

I tried the "making" him eat thing.  But that's very stressful for him (and for me).  I mean, who can eat when they're stressed and fighting with someone and down right pissed off?  (I know I can't!)  And, also, I just don't believe in it.  Liam has to listen to his body and what it is telling him.  (even when I don't understand it)  MAKING someone eat when they don't WANT to is pure torture.  And, honestly, I just don't have the follow through to stay on his ass for potentially hours to get him to finish ONE meal.  It never worked very well.  So now I just pull the "I'm not making you anything else to eat" and/or "If you don't eat your dinner you're not getting any junk food" card.  99% of the time that is just fine with him and he'll walk away.

I spent years catering to his food whims.  Making a separate meal just for him.  Bringing McDonalds into a restaurant so Joe and I could eat in peace (yes, we have really done that).  But I don't do that stuff anymore.  He's just getting too old for that.  It's unrealistic of me to keep up that ruse for him.  He has to make the decision for himself to start venturing out and trying new foods.  And if he doesn't, that's OK too.  Somehow what he does actually eat sustains his life.  He eats what I make or he doesn't eat.  Or he makes himself something.  That's our new rule.

I read in one of those baby books many years ago that as a parent it's your responsibility to offer your child a healthy and nutritious meal, NOT make them eat it.  Now, I actually try to live by that.  But Liam tries to give me the guilt trip when HE chooses not to eat.  "If I starve to death it will be YOUR fault!"  "No Liam, it will be YOUR fault.  I offered you food, YOU chose not to eat it."  And, yes, we have actually had that conversation.

I asked him the other day when he was being difficult about eating, "Liam, why do you hate eating so much?".  He said, "I don't know."  Not, "Mom, I don't hate eating" or "Mom, I just don't like this food", but instead, "I don't know".  So he knows.  It's an actual thing with him.

To me, eating is one of the most natural human instincts.  Like breathing and craving chicken wings.  This feeding your kids thing should be easy.  What's next?  Is he going to tell me he refuses to breathe!?

Jill's glasses

Jill has been wanting these hipster glasses since Christmas.  I wouldn't buy them for her because I thought they were ridiculous.  But then this happened:

 

I got glasses!  Just for reading.  Then she just HAD to have these:

How freaking cute is she in those glasses?  She even bought them with her own money.  They are a little big.  And that picture doesn't even do them justice.  She wears them ALL the time.  Even to school.  My little hipster.

Liam's first 5k!

On Feb. 3 Liam participated in his first 5k with Joe.

He came in 18th for his age group (males 10 and under).

Here is a video of him crossing the finish line.

GO LIAM!

My big boy

So Liam has a field trip coming up in March.  It's to St. Augustine, FL.  It's about a 5 hr school bus ride, each way.  They'll be leaving at 5:30 am and returning around 11 pm the same day.  And he's going ALL ALONE!  Well, without Joe or I, I mean.  Wow, his very first trip without either one of us.  I'm very nervous about it.  At first, I didn't want him to go unless Joe or I were able to chaperone.  But we couldn't.  And I don't want Liam to miss this opportunity because of my issues.  It sounds like a really awesome trip!  So, for the first time, Liam will be venturing out into the world without the guidance of family or friends.  It only gets worse from here, right?

Mayonnaise

Some of you will find this post completely ridiculous or petty.  And, in some ways, I agree.  I mean, it's just freaking mayonnaise.  But something happened two weeks ago that bothered me so much that I actually woke up LAST night still bothered by it!

Let me start off by saying that Joe is a fairly picky eater.  He has A LOT of dietary "restrictions".  When you live with, and especially cook for a picky eater, you basically become a slave to that person's "rules".  Can't make chicken wings because HE doesn't eat meat off bones.  Can't make pork of any variety because HE doesn't eat pork.  GOD FORBID the slightest speck of mayonnaise ever touch any of his food because HE doesn't like it.  The list can go on and on... anyway, back to the point.  I think back to all the times I made roasted potatoes or some kind of mayo-less pasta salad or couscous salad to please HIM.  Could I have bought store bought potato salad or coleslaw or made pork chops for dinner, yes, of course.  And he would've just been SOL.  But that's not how I was (am).  So onto the actual point of this post...

The other weekend Joe and I and the kids go out for lunch.  We went to this sandwich shop that I don't eat at very often (but Joe takes them there all the time) so I asked Joe "what do you usually eat here?", he said "just the turkey sandwich".  So I look at the description for the sandwich and it lists "mayo, lettuce, tomato" as the toppings.  So I think to myself (still!) "oh, he probably orders no mayo".  So when the time came to order, he was busy doing something with the kids so I just ordered 3 turkey sandwiches.  Didn't bother to specifiy "no mayo".  So we sit down to eat and Joe just digs right in.  I said, "so you eat mayo now?"  He responds, "oh, why, did I used to not eat mayo?  I just eat it how it comes."  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!  I literally, almost lost my appetite.  "oh, why, did I used to not eat mayo?"  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!  I bent over backwards to make sure mayo never made it's way into your life for over 10 years because you HATE IT SO BAD!  I seriously wanted to tell him to fuck off.  But the kids were there.

It just makes me think, is this some kind passive aggressive behavior to used to control me all those years?  What other kind of tactics did he use to keep me in line?  It pisses me off so bad.  I know guys, I know.  It's just freaking mayonnaise!  It's stupid and petty and completely meaningless in the grand scheme of life.  It reminds me of the time (years ago when we still lived together) he took the kids out for burgers with Uncle Jim one day.  And Liam came running in the house screaming "Mama, daddy brought a shake home for you!"  Aww, how sweet right?  It was chocolate.  Anyone that has known me for longer than 5 min knows I DON'T LIKE CHOCOLATE!  Except my own husband.  So I had to stand there and say in front of everyone "I don't like chocolate" and look like a completely ungrateful asshole.  I, literally, almost cried.  It seriously hurt my feelings so bad.  Passive aggressive much?

Oh, hi there!

I've been a terrible, terrible blogger.  Sorry.  I'm still here.  And there's still lots going on.  I just haven't been writing about it.  As far as Joe and I, we're still getting divorced.  Sort of.  That would actually require Joe to fill out the divorce paperwork.  Which he has had for well over a month.  And hasn't even looked at it.  I took all my time to fill out 90% of it.  It requires an hour of his attention to fill out his financial information which I cannot fill out for him.  He says he's been "too busy" to do it.  But he says he's not stalling.  OK.

Liam made Gold honor roll!  That means all A's and B's.  OMG you guys, this is a BIG deal for him!  I know I said that last time too when he made Silver honor roll.  But I am just so proud of him!  He's been working so hard in 4th grade.  Football season is gearing up for him as well.  He had his first official Valentine this year.  I know, OH EMM GEE!  Fun fun.  He's cool and very sensitive and hates kisses from his mama but I just adore him.

Jill is just Jill.  She doesn't do sports.  Or dance.  Or karate.  But she texts me (from my iTouch) just about every night when she is not home with me to tell me how much she misses and loves me.  She gets all 1's and 2's on her report cards.  I have a feeling she is going to be more of the "mathlete" type when she gets older.  She's girly and squishy and quite possibly the most unreasonable person on the planet.  And she is just my favorite little girl in the whole entire world.

I'm already thinking about summer vaca.  I have so many options this year but have decided on Maine.  I haven't been in almost 3 yrs already and, outside of airfare, it's a fairly cheap trip for me.  Remember, my house is always open if anyone wants to come visit for a week (or more).  We would love the company!

Sometimes it's scary living alone

The other night I was awoken at 4 am to the sound of very loud whistling/hissing.  I had no idea what it was but it sounded like it was coming from the bathroom.  So I go into my bathroom and it sounds like it's coming from the toilet.  I'm thinking either the toilet hose is about to burst or there was some kind of water line burst.  I check all the water in the house and it's all working.  But I can STILL hear the noise.  Then, all of a sudden it occurs to me that the sound is coming from outside.  So I open the garage door and walk half way around the house to where my bedroom window is and the water spigot was turned on and water is just pouring out!  I turn it off,  loudly mutter some obscenities and walk back towards the garage.

I then have the realization that I left the garage door open and someone could have snuck in my house and is now waiting inside to murder/rape me.  I surveyed the house in the dark and nothing was out of the ordinary but as I laid down to go back to sleep I couldn't shake the feeling that someone could be hiding in the house!  I call Joe at 4:20 and tell him the whole story and ask him to come over with the kids.  He says, "we're on our way!"  As I'm sitting on my bed waiting for him to show up, my neighbors motion sensor light (again, right outside my bedroom window) turns on!  Now I'm in full panic mode.  I don't hear or see anything outside but I'm absolutely terrified.  It took Joe about 10 min to get to the house but it felt like an hour.  The kids snuck into bed with me and we went to sleep.

Last night I was so scared to be in the house alone I didn't even want to sleep in my bedroom and I didn't want to turn off the TV because I was so scared of the silence.  So I laid on the couch half the night.  Notice how I said "laid" on the couch, not "slept" on the couch?  Because there was no sleeping going on.  Finally, around 3:30 I couldn't take it anymore and went to my bed.  I was so exhausted but still jumped at every tiny noise the house made.  Thank God nothing out of the ordinary happened.

I really need to get some sleep tonight...

10 yrs ago...

I got the phone call that you had taken your last breath.  There were so many people in the room with you.  I remember there was a curtain in your room that separated the waiting area from the bed you were lying in.  I was scared to cross it.  I didn't want to see you dead.  I'm so terrified of death.  It took me over an hour to cross that curtain.  You suffered for so long that it was a relief that you were finally in peace again.

I won't bother filling you in on the last 10 yrs.  I know, you've been keeping an eye on all of us.  Some good things, some bad things.  Just life.  These last 10 yrs seem to have gone by in the blink of an eye.

I was cleaning out my closet the other day and I came across a bunch of photos.  I glanced at a few.  They were mostly from when we first moved to FL.  It was good to see your face again.  Miss you...

2 years ago today...

My husband started the first conversation we'd had in 6 weeks with, "I want to separate".  Ouch.  2 years.  Wow.  In some ways it seems a lot longer than that.  In some ways it seems a lot shorter.  There's been a lot of ups and downs over these past 2 years.  But in this new year there will finally be closure.  Joe and I will be filing for divorce soon.  It's a relief, it's sad, it's scary - all at the same time.  Although I've been living apart from him for almost 2 years now, the fact that we were still married was a bit of safety net for me.  There was still "that chance".  There was still "hope".  Divorce is final.  There will be no more safety net.  I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about this.  But I don't want to put them here.

I hope this divorce, in time, will bring us closure and peace and happiness.  I've always been extremely uncomfortable living in the limbo.

A new year, a new beginning.  Happy 2013 everyone.