Sometimes...

Sometimes I just don't want to do it anymore.  I don't want to wake up early anymore.  Go to work anymore.  Help with homework anymore.  Clean my house anymore.  Pay bills anymore.  Sit through another episode of Dragon Ball Z Kai or iCarly anymore.  Sometimes, I just don't want to be a grown up anymore.

Sometimes I just want to scoop up my family and move to the Galapagos Islands.  And live out the rest of our days amidst nothing.  Money doesn't exist.  School doesn't exist.  Bad things don't exist.  Drama doesn't exist.

Sometimes I just want to lock my kids in a big bubble to keep out the rest of the world.  The state of the world is so scary to me sometimes it is literally overwhelming.  I freak out about it.  I don't want my kids to even know about it.  About the "bad" stuff out there.  There's no need for them to know.  But one day they will know and they will need to be prepared.

Sometimes I will see a baby picture of one of my kids and I can barely even remember when they were that little.  Then I get all worried I will not remember anything about their childhoods.  Time is moving so fast anyway, how can I keep all these memories in my head?

But in reality I know that I cannot really do any of these things.  The scariest thing I'm realizing about being a parent is that one day I will not be the one making their decisions anymore.  It will be all them.  And the true job of a parent is making sure they are prepared, not shielding them, for the big bad world.  It's a daunting task for sure.

And sometimes, I realize that my mother probably had all these same feelings and I feel bad I wasn't a better daughter to her.