So I'm sitting in 5 Guys today, eating my burger in peace, when my eyes start suddenly filling up with tears and I start getting that lump in my throat. How could he leave me? How could he leave me all by myself? How could he have, so cruelly, just cut me out of his life like I never even meant anything at all? How am I supposed to forgive him for what he's done to me?
A few weeks ago I approached Joe and asked him to finally give me an answer on where he stands. I am sick of living like this. I want to move on. So he says he wants us to start "dating" again. First of all, I heard that 7 mos ago when we were in counseling. It never happened. Or maybe he said dating "other people" and I misunderstood? Because that's all that happened. Second, dating the one person that watches your kids when you're not with them. Not easy. Who the heck is going to watch the kids 1, 2 or 3 times a week when WE are out "dating"? Third, I already only see my kids 50% of the time. Let's take another 25% out of seeing the kids so we can "date". Fabulous.
So far Joe and I have been out two times in the past two weeks. And it's been really nice. We've had fun. But I find myself not really knowing how to act sometimes. I feel like there's a barrier to feeling truly comfortable with him again. I feel that he just doesn't get what he's done to me. How betrayed and abandoned I have felt. That he refuses to take responsibility for how much of our unhappy relationship was his fault also. I still hear so much blame in his words. When I said to him "I just can't believe you left me and moved on so quickly with your life" and he responded with "It wasn't "so quick", it was 3 years in the making". It's as if he doesn't realize that I was also in a mostly unhappy relationship for 3 years as well. But it was never a consideration for me to just leave and abandon everything we had built for so long. He was emotionally checked out of our relationship for years. Completely unengaged in every aspect. And he recognizes and admits to this. Yet, somehow, he holds this against me. I always had a sour puss on my face. I couldn't be affectionate anymore. I was so unhappy all the time. It's as if he can't understand how I couldn't be happy with someone who ignored me, could never have a conversation with me and rarely did a nice thing for me to make me feel loved, wanted or appreciated. What the heck is my problem?!
I'm not saying in any kind of way that people should stay together "just because". Just because that's what they're used to. Just because of the kids. Just because of finances. But I felt that Joe and I stuck it out so long just because we actually loved each other. We were just having connection issues. Communication issues. Issues that could be worked on. Maybe I was mistaken. Maybe we did remain together for so long "just because".
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