Individual Parenting

When you don't parent full time with a partner, it can be frustrating.  Yes, parenting full time WITH a partner can be frustrating as well.  But I feel like I have less control over the things I don't want my kids doing or exposed to when they are not in my care.  And there's just nothing I can do about it.  I cannot control the way Joe runs his household.  I can talk to him about the things I think are inappropriate that he allows our children to do in his care but that only goes so far.

For example, the other night the kids were complaining about how they were SO TIRED in school and how they almost fell asleep in class!  I said "why are you guys so tired?"  Their response "we were up late watching The Matrix with daddy".  Really?  The Matrix.  Not exactly a movie for kids.  Not to mention staying up late on a school night to watch it.  Do I have any control over this?  No.  No I do not.

Or how he let them watch the whole first season of "The Walking Dead" on Netflix.  Then Jillian would come to my house and be too scared to go to bed alone, crying and everything, because she was scared "zombies were going to get her".  Thanks Joe.

How many conversations have I had with Joe already about the inappropriate things he let's the kids watch?  A few.

I love when I see them on a weekend and they announce "Guess what we had for breakfast!  DONUTS!!"  Yay.  Sugar and fat and sugar.  That's so healthy of you guys.

Joe probably has his complaints about me as well.  Like, how I let Jillian eat her own weight in bacon.  For anyone that doesn't know, Joe doesn't eat pork and it was a rule of his that our kids don't eat pork either.

It's weird for me to think that my kids are having two different upbringings.  "Daddy's" house and "Mommy's" house.  But look, they are not in any physical danger so I can only hope that they grow up with some fond memories of both.

"Hey Jill, remember that time that Dad let us drink beer before our 8th grade dances?  Ha, that was awesome."  "Yeah, Mom blew her lid when she found out."

Lame!

Wow, I have really been neglecting my blog.  I know you guys are probably just DYING to know what's going on in my little corner of the universe.

Well, let's see, this blog hit it's 2 year anniversary!  I can't believe I launched it two years ago already.  Happy Anniversary completedebbiness!

Also, I surpassed the 100 post mark.  As I've mentioned before, I read a lot of blogs and other people make a big deal out of milestones like this.  I have shared over 100 thoughts/comments/feelings/rants/emotions/crack pot ideas/etc already.  Congrats to you, my readers, for reading them all!

I reached my 15 year anniversary at work.  WOW!  When the heck did that happen?

This week marks one whole year since "the separation".  Hard to believe, right?  One whole year already.  It's been a roller coaster of emotions but I feel like I am finally getting back to myself.  I don't even know if it's me.  I haven't seen this person in so long I thought she didn't exist anymore.  I've been enjoying spending time by myself.  Spending time with friends.  Trying to be the best single Mom I can be.  And I know this is a sensitive subject but I've even been dating.  Sort of.  There's really only been one person.  Off and on.

Christmas was certainly different for me this year.  Joe wasn't there when I opened presents with the kids.  I didn't even cook.  We ordered Chinese.  I went out with my friend Christmas evening.  First time in my life I went partying on Christmas.  I have mixed emotions about it.  It was fun but sad at the same time.  But let me tell you, there were a lot of people out Christmas night!

New Year's was the same.  Went out with my friend.  Was home and in bed before 1am.

I've really been itching to travel lately.  I want to go out of the country for the first time in my life.  I've been thinking London.  Maybe Ireland.  Who's coming with?

Merry Christmas!

To everyone I won't see this year, which actually, is all of you - MERRY CHRISTMAS!  I MISS YOU!!

A little Christmas present to myself...

Music vs. Movies

I've always been a music lover.  Ever since I can remember.  I remember the very first cassette I ever bought with my own money.  Cinderella - Night Songs.  Oh yeah.  It rocked.  Still does.  Music has gotten me through all kinds of situations in life.  When I'm happy it makes me want to sing and dance along.  When I'm sad I feel like someone else knows exactly what I'm feeling and I'm not alone!  When I'm nostalgic a song can bring me right back to a certain memory.  I have been to more concerts and seen more bands than I could possibly keep track of.  I have an uncanny ability to remember song lyrics and remember the artist.  After 3 or 4 times of hearing a song I know at least 90% of the words.  I'm convinced that I can't remember really important things that I should know because my brain is filled to the brim with song lyrics.  Like the capital on Montana.  Or why the sky is blue.  Or who our current president is.  And the worst irony of all to me is that I'm a terrible singer!

For a long time, I let music slip out of my life.  Pretty much, only listening to it in the car (which isn't anywhere near enough for me).  But now, when I'm home, I almost ALWAYS have the radio on.  And because my local radio station, literally, plays the 10 latest pop hits on constant loop (and of course I am too lazy to constantly change the channel) I know all the words!  Music has brought me so much comfort lately.

When it comes to TV/movies, trust me, I watch just as much as anyone else.  But it just doesn't give me the same satisfaction.  I don't have the same capacity to remember movies or TV shows.  I have very bad short term memory as it is.  I know all the famous actors but cannot always remember the name of a movie.  If you ask me if I saw a certain movie I'll probably respond with "who was in that one?" or  "what was the storyline?"  There are definitely some classics that are burned into my brain.  Like, The Exorcist and Goonies and Forrest Gump.  But in general, I'd rather sit in a room all alone and listen to some music than watch a movie or TV.

So although I may be one of those people that develops Alzheimer's by the time they're 50 and I won't have a single memory of the last 20 years of my life, I will probably STILL know every single word to Piano Man.  So stop by and visit me in the old folks home.  I'll sing it for you.

I guess it was nice while it lasted

Remember a few weeks ago how I bragged how I was sleeping much better?  Yeah, I shouldn't have put that out in the universe like that.  That bitch took care of that real quick.  I was on vacation last week and I had the worst week of sleep ever.  The night before Thanksgiving I don't think I ever even actually fell asleep.  Insomnia is a horrible thing.  All you want to do is sleep.  You're so tired.  But you just can't.  Your thoughts race from one strange thing to another.  You're looking at the clock every hour.  The next day you're like a zombie.  Your body can barely move and your eyes burn.  And don't forget those lovely dark, puffy circles under your eyes.  You wish life would stop for a just a little bit so you can recover.  But it doesn't.  There's still work, and homework and cooking dinner to get done.  And you do it all again the next day. Lovely, isn't it?

Next time I'll know better than to jinx myself like that.  I guess there's time for sleeping when I'm dead.

Here's one for you universe.  I want to be a millionaire.  I'm putting it out there.  Make it happen.

One Day

One day there will be no more mementos of our love or life together in our house.  I've already started removing them.
One day "our" house will no longer exist.  It is already broken.
One day I will refer to you as my "ex".  But for now I still call you my husband.
One day I will refer to you as "my first husband".  My "starter" husband.  Or possibly even, my "first ex-husband"?
One day the only reason we will speak to each other will be because we have kids together.
One day our kids won't even remember when we were together.
One day we will be in love with other people.
But I honestly hope the day never comes where we don't look back and remember a time when we were hopeful and totally crazy about each other and so in love.  Because that is still how I remember us.  Our beautiful kids will always be a reminder of that time.

Single, once again

So it turns out that dating Joe just doesn't work for me.  For one, he wasn't trying very hard.  Joe said he still isn't "feeling" it and he certainly let it show.  I just wish he would've told me he wasn't feeling it.  But that would've involved communicating, so obviously, it was just better that he didn't say anything to me, let me feel like an idiot for weeks thinking we were "trying" to work on it, get frustrated when the "working on it" wasn't working very well then make me guess and pull teeth to get him admit to me that he's just not feeling it.  Second, I can never look at him as my boyfriend ever again.  It doesn't work like that.  At least not for me.  He's my husband, not my boyfriend.  He can never be my boyfriend again. We've moved beyond ever being casual with each other.  So I'm moving on.  And told him to do the same.

So lately, I've been wondering how the hell I am ever going to want to put up with someone else's shit crazy  ever again.  The thought of learning all about someone else's crazy is just crazy.  It was easy when I was in my early 20's with no kids and no true responsibilities.  But it's not like that anymore.  I think I'm more picky now.  And have more requirements.

It's been a very long time since I've dated.  I think I am definitely going to have some deal breakers.  What if he wants to have a conversation with me before my morning coffee?  What if he wants me to **GASP** go to a college football game?  Or watch it on TV!?  Or go to a Jimmy Buffet concert?  OMG, you guys, what if he is in love with Disney characters or going to Disney World or something?  Yikes, I just don't know how I'm going to do this.  Is it inappropriate to ask a guy on the first date if he has ever mowed a lawn before?  And no, that's not a sexual innuendo.

How am I ever going to feeling truly comfortable with someone else ever again?  The thought of being comfortable enough with someone else to let them see all of my gray hair, see me with no make up on, or see me in my PJ's until 3pm because I got sucked into an all day Scrubs marathon through Netflix is certainly daunting.  But I guess it will happen.  It happens for other people.

Coming up on my blog... Scenes from the dating world...