Wow, my first post of September. It's been a very busy few weeks. Labor Day weekend was awesome. I had some friends in town and we basically spent every waking moment together. It was great. We had tons of fun. Then it was my birthday. That was also great. Joe took me out to dinner. It was nice to have some alone time with him. It had been a very long time. Then it was Jill's birthday. Had a little get together at the house for her. Friends, family and neighbors. It was fun. Meanwhile, at work, I've been covering for someone who is spending 3 weeks in Hawaii. Getting married or something. So I've been learning a totally new job.
Other than that, I don't know what else to say. I have been uninspired lately to write. I've been so tired and I just can't seem to shake it. It doesn't matter when I go to bed. I either lie awake at night trying to fall asleep or I awake somewhere around 4am and try in vain to fall back asleep until the alarm goes off. Oh well.
Nothing new is really going on. Just the same old stuff. What's new with you guys?
Monday, September 19, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Bitter much?
Oh, you're getting married? Oh, how wonderful! Congrats to you and your fiance!
I hate to be the one to tell you this but he'll leave you in a few yrs because he "doesn't know what he wants" right now. Or maybe because he "doesn't want to do this anymore".
Awww, it's so cute that you guys are so in love.
Love don't mean shit, honey.
Yeah, I know, your man is your best friend.
Yeah, I used to think that too. Until he abandoned me. And betrayed me. And left me to fend for myself with two young kids. This is a little harsh, I know. It's an exaggeration of the truth but this is how it feels.
So you're telling me, you've gained a few extra pounds, developed an anxiety disorder and your parents are coming to live with you and your man STILL wants to be with you?
Wow, what a concept. Someone who is down and dirty in the trenches with you. Going through this crazy thing called life with you. Sticking it out with you through the vows you made to each other. Supports you when things aren't all glitter and rainbows.
I'm a terrible, terrible person, I know. Bitter, party of one, your table is ready. I am absolutely bitter that other people get to have that person by their side to stick it out through thick and thin. Through good and bad. For better and for worse. That they get to be not perfect and, yet, someone loves them anyway.
I know love and commitment actually exist. Of course I do. But these thoughts creep into my head. I look at my parents marriage of 41 years. It was far from perfect. But they stuck it out with each other through all the tough times. On a side note, last Friday would've been their 50th wedding anniversary.
My brother and his wife just celebrated 18 years married on Sunday. They're still so in love and still best friends. When I was in MN in May my sister in law kept asking me "Isn't your brother just the cutest thing ever?" (it could've been the margaritas talking, not sure. hmm, maybe that's the secret to a long loving marriage - MARGARITAS!) Um, yeah, he's the cutest thing ever. But, really, he kind of is ;) Or at least one of the cutest things ever. (love you guys!) I want to be with someone for over 18 years, or maybe even 41, and still think they're the cutest thing ever.
As you can tell, I'm going through some abandonment issues right now. This sucks.
I hate to be the one to tell you this but he'll leave you in a few yrs because he "doesn't know what he wants" right now. Or maybe because he "doesn't want to do this anymore".
Awww, it's so cute that you guys are so in love.
Love don't mean shit, honey.
Yeah, I know, your man is your best friend.
Yeah, I used to think that too. Until he abandoned me. And betrayed me. And left me to fend for myself with two young kids. This is a little harsh, I know. It's an exaggeration of the truth but this is how it feels.
So you're telling me, you've gained a few extra pounds, developed an anxiety disorder and your parents are coming to live with you and your man STILL wants to be with you?
Wow, what a concept. Someone who is down and dirty in the trenches with you. Going through this crazy thing called life with you. Sticking it out with you through the vows you made to each other. Supports you when things aren't all glitter and rainbows.
I'm a terrible, terrible person, I know. Bitter, party of one, your table is ready. I am absolutely bitter that other people get to have that person by their side to stick it out through thick and thin. Through good and bad. For better and for worse. That they get to be not perfect and, yet, someone loves them anyway.
I know love and commitment actually exist. Of course I do. But these thoughts creep into my head. I look at my parents marriage of 41 years. It was far from perfect. But they stuck it out with each other through all the tough times. On a side note, last Friday would've been their 50th wedding anniversary.
My brother and his wife just celebrated 18 years married on Sunday. They're still so in love and still best friends. When I was in MN in May my sister in law kept asking me "Isn't your brother just the cutest thing ever?" (it could've been the margaritas talking, not sure. hmm, maybe that's the secret to a long loving marriage - MARGARITAS!) Um, yeah, he's the cutest thing ever. But, really, he kind of is ;) Or at least one of the cutest things ever. (love you guys!) I want to be with someone for over 18 years, or maybe even 41, and still think they're the cutest thing ever.
As you can tell, I'm going through some abandonment issues right now. This sucks.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The kindness of people
One day a few months ago I went to the cafeteria to buy myself a bag of chips at work. I was having a particularly bad emotional day and all I wanted was some Fritos. So I put my money in the machine and pressed the buttons and the little spinny thing starts to spin but then stops, leaving my bag of chips half way hanging off the rack. I just stood there, looking at my chips hanging there. I was, literally, on the verge of a complete emotional breakdown over these chips. My eyes started tearing up and I just stood frozen, so upset that all I wanted was these chips and they were just hanging there taunting me. I just didn't know what to do. Breaking down crying seemed completely reasonable to me at that moment. So this guy, that I have never met before, standing at the soda machine next to me pipes up "do you want a dollar to get those chips out?" And he just handed me a dollar. That guy had NO IDEA that I was on the verge of tears over this stupid bag of chips. I said thank you and he just walked away.
A few weekends after Joe moved out I was standing in my garage folding clothes and I see my neighbor walking up my driveway with a tray of piping hot food in her hands. She said "I just felt like I needed to do something to help you out. I know it's not much but I made you this lasagna." I said, "wow, this is awesome, I had no idea what I was going to do for dinner tonight." And it was delicious. The fact that she even thought about me and the kids was just so sweet.
One day my neighbor offered to mow my backyard for me after we were talking and I was telling him what a difficult task it was for me the first time I did it. Now, he mows the little section of my side yard that is connected to his every week without me even having to ask. It's not the biggest favor ever but it helps me out so much that I don't have to mow it. To me, his thoughtfulness is just a God send.
It got me thinking how I don't always pay attention to what's going on around me. And how I don't always lend a helping hand to someone I know is in need. Or someone I don't know who is in need. I want to start paying attention. Start noticing when something as simple as buying someone a bag a chips from the vending machine would just totally make their day. Try to not miss an opportunity to be kind to a stranger or a neighbor. You never know what situation that person is in. Your little act of kindness or thoughtfulness could go a LONG way to someone who's having a bad day.
A few weekends after Joe moved out I was standing in my garage folding clothes and I see my neighbor walking up my driveway with a tray of piping hot food in her hands. She said "I just felt like I needed to do something to help you out. I know it's not much but I made you this lasagna." I said, "wow, this is awesome, I had no idea what I was going to do for dinner tonight." And it was delicious. The fact that she even thought about me and the kids was just so sweet.
One day my neighbor offered to mow my backyard for me after we were talking and I was telling him what a difficult task it was for me the first time I did it. Now, he mows the little section of my side yard that is connected to his every week without me even having to ask. It's not the biggest favor ever but it helps me out so much that I don't have to mow it. To me, his thoughtfulness is just a God send.
It got me thinking how I don't always pay attention to what's going on around me. And how I don't always lend a helping hand to someone I know is in need. Or someone I don't know who is in need. I want to start paying attention. Start noticing when something as simple as buying someone a bag a chips from the vending machine would just totally make their day. Try to not miss an opportunity to be kind to a stranger or a neighbor. You never know what situation that person is in. Your little act of kindness or thoughtfulness could go a LONG way to someone who's having a bad day.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
"This is the way it is now."
I was talking to my neighbor the other day, who also happens to be Joe's assistant coach for Liam's football team, and he says "I asked Joe if he was going to Orlando with you and the kids and he said 'No, I wasn't invited'." "This is the way it is now", I replied.
I took the kids on "family vacation", except, we weren't quite a whole family. This is how it is now, I thought to myself.
Me and Liam experienced our first zip line together, which was awesome! As much as I loved having an experience just between me and Liam, I was a sad for both of us that we didn't have Joe to share it with. This is just how it is now.
I had received some bad news on Monday and my first instinct was to call Joe and talk to him about it. But I didn't. I had to remind myself that he's not my partner anymore. My problems are not his problems anymore. It's hard. Even after all these months apart. This is how it is from now on.
No matter how I say it, it still breaks my heart everyday when a situation slaps me in the face that this is just the way it is now.
I took the kids on "family vacation", except, we weren't quite a whole family. This is how it is now, I thought to myself.
Me and Liam experienced our first zip line together, which was awesome! As much as I loved having an experience just between me and Liam, I was a sad for both of us that we didn't have Joe to share it with. This is just how it is now.
I had received some bad news on Monday and my first instinct was to call Joe and talk to him about it. But I didn't. I had to remind myself that he's not my partner anymore. My problems are not his problems anymore. It's hard. Even after all these months apart. This is how it is from now on.
No matter how I say it, it still breaks my heart everyday when a situation slaps me in the face that this is just the way it is now.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
I'm on vacation
Hi. You've reached Debbie at complete debbiness. I've checked out of my real life for a few days and have gone to an alternate universe where princesses and big mice run the world. Also known as, Orlando. Please check back in a few days. I'll tell you all about it when I return. Have a great week everyone.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Mom Guilt
Every summer since Liam started school, I always have these grand plans of making sure we do lots of educational stuff over the summer so he doesn't "lose" what he's learned over the previous school year. I even sign up for home school-type websites so him and Jill could complete lessons all summer long and get a head start on the school year. And, in theory, it sounds like it should just be that easy. Set him up in front of the computer to complete a lesson. But then the complaining starts. Then the whining. I have to physically be sitting next to him in order for him to actually sit still and concentrate on what he's doing. And then I get turned off to the whole idea. Since Kindergarten, Liam and I have gotten into all out screaming matches over doing homework. I HATE TRYING TO BE MY KIDS' TEACHER! And I feel so guilty about it because I want to like being the one to work with them at home and feel so accomplished when I teach them something. In my fantasy, it's all butterflies and rainbows. I show/tell them something, and - BAM - they learn it! But the fact is, I just don't. I just do not have the patience for when they try to play dumb with me. It sets me right off.
For instance, working with Liam for months on his math homework. Then, he decides he just wants to be pissy and difficult about doing math homework. So I ask him something simple like "OK Liam, after adding this column, which number do we carry over into the tens column?" "Um, I don't know. 3?" "Where did you get 3 from? We've just done five equations just like this one and all of a sudden you don't know what 8+3 is?" "I forget." To me, this is "playing dumb" and I immediately go into a ballistic rage. Sounds terrible, I know.
Trying to work with Jillian on her reading this summer. One night, she starts reading this book and I was so impressed, I had no idea she knew so many words already. So we read this same book a few nights in a row for practice. So one night, she all of a sudden doesn't know any of the words. We're reading the title and I say, "OK Jill, what is this word?" Literally, she makes this sound that is not a letter or a word or even a combination of letters. Just like a grunty type sound and, of course, she thinks this is just hysterical. I say, "what? Jill, what is this word?" She makes the noise again. I say, "Jill, you've read this word everyday for 3 days now. What is this word?" "I don't know." I can't take it. To me, this is "playing dumb". I want to take the book, throw it across the room and scream at the top of my lungs. We haven't read together since.
It's so very frustrating. Maybe I take this "playing dumb" thing a little too seriously. I mean, I understand that their little minds are still developing and that they work different from an adult's mind and that they might *actually* forget how to read a certain word from one sentence to the next but it makes me crazy! And I feel so guilty for not having more patience with them when it comes to teaching them. I have actually made Liam cry from chastising him over his reading, especially in the beginning. I hate knowing that I made my Liam cry and feel bad about himself so I apologize profusely. I blame him, he blames me. It's just a big vicious cycle. So, in my mind, I would rather just not "go there" then have it end in a big fight where everyone is frustrated and discouraged and mad.
As a parent, you put a lot of pressure on yourself that you should LOVE to do and be everything to your kids. But that's not very realistic. I feel like I have so much patience in other areas with them. (just dealing with Jillian and her high maintenance-ness on a daily basis is an act of sainthood, trust me) Just not this one. I guess all I can do is strive to be better the next time. Half the battle is admitting you have a problem, right?
For instance, working with Liam for months on his math homework. Then, he decides he just wants to be pissy and difficult about doing math homework. So I ask him something simple like "OK Liam, after adding this column, which number do we carry over into the tens column?" "Um, I don't know. 3?" "Where did you get 3 from? We've just done five equations just like this one and all of a sudden you don't know what 8+3 is?" "I forget." To me, this is "playing dumb" and I immediately go into a ballistic rage. Sounds terrible, I know.
Trying to work with Jillian on her reading this summer. One night, she starts reading this book and I was so impressed, I had no idea she knew so many words already. So we read this same book a few nights in a row for practice. So one night, she all of a sudden doesn't know any of the words. We're reading the title and I say, "OK Jill, what is this word?" Literally, she makes this sound that is not a letter or a word or even a combination of letters. Just like a grunty type sound and, of course, she thinks this is just hysterical. I say, "what? Jill, what is this word?" She makes the noise again. I say, "Jill, you've read this word everyday for 3 days now. What is this word?" "I don't know." I can't take it. To me, this is "playing dumb". I want to take the book, throw it across the room and scream at the top of my lungs. We haven't read together since.
It's so very frustrating. Maybe I take this "playing dumb" thing a little too seriously. I mean, I understand that their little minds are still developing and that they work different from an adult's mind and that they might *actually* forget how to read a certain word from one sentence to the next but it makes me crazy! And I feel so guilty for not having more patience with them when it comes to teaching them. I have actually made Liam cry from chastising him over his reading, especially in the beginning. I hate knowing that I made my Liam cry and feel bad about himself so I apologize profusely. I blame him, he blames me. It's just a big vicious cycle. So, in my mind, I would rather just not "go there" then have it end in a big fight where everyone is frustrated and discouraged and mad.
As a parent, you put a lot of pressure on yourself that you should LOVE to do and be everything to your kids. But that's not very realistic. I feel like I have so much patience in other areas with them. (just dealing with Jillian and her high maintenance-ness on a daily basis is an act of sainthood, trust me) Just not this one. I guess all I can do is strive to be better the next time. Half the battle is admitting you have a problem, right?
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