At a loss

I am at a loss.  I just don't know what to do from here.  There is SO MUCH that I go through with Joe that I don't tell you guys.  I don't write it because I don't want to seem like I'm bashing him.  I don't write it because the lines of "what my place is" in this separation are often quite blurry and I, honestly, don't always know when I'm in the wrong (or right?).  And most of all I don't write it because I feel like I've finally given up and everyone will blame me for breaking up my family.

I don't write how Joe refuses to speak to me outside of the 4 walls of our therapist's office.  How he says things in therapy that are so dumbfounding that they render me speechless after he completely throws me under the bus.  After all, Joe is the one that pushed for therapy, right?  He is the one that insisted we continue going even after he moved out.  I'm the one that complains about it, right?  It would seem, to all of you out there, that Joe is trying really hard to keep things together, right?  Not so much.  Have you ever tried to work out an issue with someone who won't speak to you?  Needless to say, it's impossible.

I don't write about how the girl he "went on a date with" texted him for two weeks afterwards telling him how much she loved him and missed him and how she thought there was such a connection between them.  How she still texts him to tell him this.  How Joe and I sat in the garage before our therapy appointment the other night when he was telling me how she recently texted him and he was laughing his head off because he just thinks it's so hysterical that she won't leave him alone.   "after one date she thinks she loves me, ha ha ha" he says to me.  Like I'm one of his buddies.  Not his wife who is talking to him about his stalker.  Yeah, hysterical.

I don't write about how I helped him apartment hunt and packed toiletries and food and housewares from the house to help get him started.  That was not easy for me.  But I was concerned about the kids AND him.  And I just couldn't NOT do it.  Yet, no acknowledgment or thanks from him that I, once again, put him before me. Maybe he just assumed I would do that stuff, and I did.  I guess I'm the sucker there.

I don't write about how Joe has made every single rule of this separation.  How he has called every single shot.  And I've just gone along for the ride.  People would ask me, "well, is this what you want?"  And I would just say "I guess so."  I thought that I was giving Joe what he needed and that he would eventually come around.  Now I just feel strung along.

I don't write about how he seemed more concerned about how the cat was going to take him moving out than how I would.  He said he wanted to wait at least one month to take Marley because "he's gonna freak out" being in a new place.  Wow, thanks for being so thoughtful about that.  You're right, the cat is really going to freak out.  But don't stress yourself about me, I'll be OK.

Joe makes it painfully clear every day that he just doesn't care.  I'm very, very slowly starting to accept this.  I'm not mad that he feels the way he feels.  He can't help it.  It's not necessarily his fault.  These things happen.  He also makes it very clear that he totally adores his children and not being with them is not an option. Which makes me happy.

So, an update on where we stand.  We do not speak to each other unless it's about the weather or how to cook spinach or something about the kids.  We spend zero time alone.  But we do spend time as a "family".  I told Joe I do not want to go to counseling anymore since we are making zero progress.  Joe does not believe in communicating and I do not see this belief of his changing anytime soon.  So, essentially, we are in the same place where we were 4 mos ago.  In the middle of nowhere.