(Trying to) Move on...

Hi everyone.  I apologize for my absence lately.  I've been in a bit of a funk.  It's been hard for me lately trying to put my thoughts and feelings down in an organized way.  I went to MN for a few days to visit my brother and his wife. My other brother and his wife drove up from IA for a few days as well.  It's such a rare thing that I get to see all my brothers in the same year, let alone, over a 1 month span.  So that was awesome.  We did some sight seeing stuff and had tons of fun doing some brewery tours and drinking lots of free beer.  Thanks Ged for being our DD!

I hadn't cried in a while and took that as a sign of "getting better" and "moving on".  But then, on the flight to MN I just started crying.  In my defense, I was listening to Sarah McLachlan on my iPod.  Her songs could make anyone cry during their happiest time.  That kind of set the tone for the rest of the trip.  It was a great trip and I really enjoyed the time with my brothers and sisters-in-law but I felt a little... distracted at times.

I go through stretches of time when I feel like I want to move on with my life already.  I'm tired of just sitting here, being ignored, waiting for Joe to make the final decision about our future(s).  This is bullshit the way he's treating me.  I feel as if  I'm being treated like some woman he just met a few months ago and if he just continues to ignore me I'll eventually go away.  Not like his fucking wife of 8 years and mother of his children who deserves the respect of being spoken to and "kept in the loop".  Why can't I just make the decision to end it?  I don't know, but I can't.  So I just sit here and wait.

Sometimes I practically hate him and just want him out of my life forever.  I can barely look him in the face.  I just literally want to punch him.  I want to make him hurt.  I hate what he is doing to me.  I wonder how I will ever get past this.  I wonder how I could ever forgive him.  I wonder how we could ever be together again.

Update on the chairs:  3 down 3 to go.  I have one chair w/ the flower pattern fabric done and I LOVE it!  I'll be honest, I don't think the green or the flower fabric matches the decor of the dining room (or the rest of the house probably) but I don't care, they look awesome!  This is why I am not an interior designer.