Letting go.

It's been an interesting week guys.  After my last post about Joe and I things between us have changed drastically.  It's weird, after I found that email and confronted him about it I thought I was going to be really mad at him for a long time.  But it's actually had the exact opposite effect on me.  I feel more comfortable with him then I have in a very long time.  I haven't wanted to punch him in the face for over a week, LOL!!  I explained to Joe that just knowing the truth has set me free (so corny, I know, but it's TRUE!).  I have let go of all the expectations I had of him, the expectations I had of myself, the disappointment of unmet said expectations.  I explained to him that I was not upset with him about how he feels but rather how he approached the whole situation.  I also realize that, in Joe's mind, it was very hard for him to tell me the painful truth.  The truth that he didn't want to be with me anymore, the truth that his heart wasn't with me anymore, the truth that he wanted to be with other women.  Those things are hard to say to someone you have been with for so long.

Over the past week we've been talking very openly and honestly about the state of our relationship, our feelings and even dating of other people.  It has been the most we've talked and the most honest we've been with each other in a very long time.  It's surreal talking to your husband about a girl he met and went on a date with.  But like I told Joe, I feel like less of a fool knowing it's going on then thinking it's going on.  The "thinking" and the not knowing eat at you like a disease.  It becomes all consuming, all you can think about.  You, literally, become a crazy person.  A person you don't recognize.  A person you don't particularly like.  I don't like being that person.  I don't want to be that person.  I have let go of that person.  Sometimes I think it's a little sick and twisted and perverted of me to want to know about him and other woman but it just honestly makes me feel better.  Maybe it's because I know he talks to his friends about this stuff.  I feel like a fool knowing that everyone else knows except me!  Is that weird of me??  Be honest.

So where do we stand?  I don't know.  We're not getting back together anytime soon.  But at least communication has been open and honest.  I am living with no expectations at this point.  We'll see where it leads.  I've decided to continue going to counseling by myself as well.  Hopefully I can work a few things out.

In other news, I have a date this weekend!  Am I ready for this?  I don't know.  I have no expectations.  I just want to spend time with someone nice and have a little fun.  It's a little overwhelming.  I've thought about cancelling at least 5 times.  But I'm not going to.  It's just one date.