The Ring

The other day I noticed Joe was not wearing his wedding ring.  So I asked him why.  He said "uh, because we're separated."  So I calmly asked "Are we divorced?"  He said no.  I replied, "well then you better fucking put it back on."  Then I completely lost my shit on him.  Like so bad that I had to apologize later.

I immediately started crying, telling him how fucked up it was for him to not be wearing his ring and no matter how much he pretends we are still married and how he is trying to portray to the world that he is now a single man.  OMG, I was so mad/hurt.  I was acting like a crazy person.  To the point that I actually had to leave the house because the thoughts going through my mind were so fucked up my actions would have been irreparable had I acted on them.  To me, he was sending me the message of "I don't love you anymore" and "I don't want to be married to you anymore" and I want everyone to know it!  I just completely wigged.

This stems from the fact that I have been extremely insecure in our relationship for a long time now.  One of our biggest problems that we face in our relationship is our lack of attention/affection for each other.  And I've been convinced for a long time now that Joe would be out the door for the first woman who came along and showed him the kind of attention/affection that we have been lacking.  I let my insecurity spin completely out of control and then paranoia took over.  I was convinced he was plotting to leave me and wanted to be with someone else.  Paranoia literally took over me and I couldn't think about anything else.  How crazy!  When I returned to the house my irrational-ness continued.  But we were able to sit down and have an honest conversation.  Through all my crying he was able to put my insecurity/paranoia at bay.  For the time being.

But I can totally see how damaging that can be in a relationship.  Like people who are like that all the time.  I swear, I am not like that ALL THE TIME.  But this state of limbo we are in is proving to be very difficult for me to handle.  Now I can see how people can just act so crazy!

Needless to say, he put the ring back on.  I think sometimes we need to be reminded what our wedding rings stand for and why they're there.  The love, commitment, security that you are promising to another person.  In good times AND in bad.  You don't take it off just because things aren't perfect.  I consider myself reminded.  I hope he does too.

Could you imagine if he tried to change his Facebook status to "it's complicated"?  He would have to hide all the knives in the house.