The separation

After 12 years of being together and almost 8 years of marriage, Joe and I have decided to separate.  Well we have actually been separated for 3 weeks now.  I know some of you reading this are quite shocked to read that.  Please do not pick up your phone and call me.  Keep reading.

Our current situation is that we are still living in our house but in different bedrooms.  We feel this separation is essential for us to evaluate our relationship and try to make our way back to each other instead of just calling it quits.  Joe and I take very seriously that we are potentially breaking up our family and are trying to avoid that at all costs.

Joe and I have been struggling with the same issues for quite some years now.  Literally, every fight we had would be the same exact complaints on both our parts.  It's like listening to a broken record.  We would always work on these certain issues and things would get better for a few weeks.  But then we would slip right back to where we were.  Wondering how we got there.  Not communicating.  Showing no affection or even a shred of respect for each other.  It used to be so easy.  Just being together.  Being happy.  Being in love.  But things are just so hard now.  It's such hard work for us to even say thank you to each other anymore.  But I wouldn't say there was hatred present.  More like resentment.  Constant resentment of what the other was doing, or not doing.  What does this mean?  Does this mean we're not in love anymore?  Does this mean we need a break from each other?  Does this mean we should just put each other out of our miseries?  I don't know.  He doesn't know.  For now, we are trying to figure that out.

I'm not going to go into our exact issues but rather I will be writing about the actual process of our separation.  From my perspective, of course.  I don't want to play the blame game.  Mostly because I'm just as much to blame for the state of our relationship.  I would love to say it's all his fault but I can't do that.

At first, the absolute hardest part for me was having to change what my idea of what our family was.  When I think of my life I think of us being married, living in our house, having the kids go to the same schools forever.  Then all of a sudden the thoughts of possibly having to leave our house, move into an apartment with the kids, possibly having to change their schools, leaving their friends who live right next door.  And having to do this all by myself.  I mean, the thought of my kids waking up every morning and not seeing daddy just kills me.  I literally have tears in my eyes just writing that.  It was all so much.  I was absolutely terrified just at the thoughts.  My world was flipped upside down overnight.  I didn't sleep for days.  I went to work with my eyes almost puffed closed from crying half the night.  I just wanted it all to go away.  I wanted to go back to the time when we were happy and optimistic about our future together.  But how do we get back there?  Is it possible to get back there?

Like a lot of long term couples I guess we just got used to being unhappy together.  We both recognized it but neither of us would say anything.  But in the long run we don't want to raise our kids in an unhappy environment.  That's not the example we want to set for our kids.  I truly believe that it would be healthier for our kids to deal with our break up rather then live their entire childhoods in a household where we hate each other.  Coldness, bitterness and resentment do not make happy kids.  And, honestly, I owe it to myself to be happy in life.  And so does he.  And if we don't make each other happy then we shouldn't be together.  You only have one life.  You can't live it miserably.

I've had to look a lot at myself and try to find where I can change.  How can I make this better?  How can I be a better wife?  And unfortunately, I found a lot of ways.  I just don't know if I'll get the chance to put my new found realizations into action.  I can't focus my energies on how to make Joe better and change his behaviors.  Only he can do that for himself.  (I learned that from Dr. Phil, ha)  It kind of sucks when you realize that one of your own behaviors is one that is making you the most unhappiest.  It's like you have to admit to yourself that something you've been doing for a long time is the wrong way.  And nobody likes to be wrong.

When I try to put this into perspective I keep coming back to the old cliche, you don't know what you got til it's gone.  I'm leaning towards the ending where we find our way back to each other and we both can truly recognize how close we were to losing it all and have a new found appreciation for each other.  But sometimes that only happens in fairytales.

Please don't post the comment "all marriages have their problems, keep your head up".  This is the first time we have actually separated but this is not the first time we've "given it another chance."  I think this may be our last chance.