It's (most likely) over

I don't think I ever truly understood the term "gut-wrenching" until this week. My guts literally feel like they're being squeezed by a fucking vice.  Every moment of every day.  I can barely eat.  I almost choked on a sandwich yesterday because I started crying right at the moment I went to swallow and it felt like I was trying to swallow a bowling ball.  To my defense, I was watching a documentary about an older man who lost his wife of 50 years to stomach cancer and he still visited her grave 3x a week for the past 10 years because "he missed his wife so much".  It was quite touching.  At the therapist's office I had a knot right between my ribs that was so uncomfortable I couldn't even sit.

The other night when I was lying in bed for 2 hours unable to sleep because my mind was racing so fast I had a realization that was so calming it immediately stopped my mind.  It's over.  That was my thought.  It came to me so clear.  The entire foundation of our entire relationship was sex.  And now that that's gone there's no foundation.  There is nothing left to "work on".  We're not friends, we're not partners.  It was all of a sudden so clear.  That's exactly why our attempts over the past few years have been so futile.  The sex was not getting better so the relationship was not getting better.  (sorry, if this is a little TMI for some folks)  How did I not see this before?  I guess just plain ol' denial.  At this point, I just cannot give Joe what he needs: sex.  And Joe cannot give me what I need: an emotional connection.

I feel so stupid thinking that for all these years we were so "in love".  When really we were so "in lust".  Makes me feel like I was never truly loved.  Just lusted after.  The only thing we have in common are our two beautiful kids.

Joe will be moving out on a permanent basis over the next week or so.  He suggested we continue to go to therapy at least a few more times and we might.  I don't know.  I'll decide closer to our appt date.

We are going to be floating two households.  For a while at least.  I really just can't fathom having to pack up my entire house anytime soon.  I don't know how long that will last.  We have to make a lot of financial changes to do this.  We'll be sharing the kids.  We haven't told them yet.  We'll tell them when Joe finds a place and he's ready to move.  Ugh, I cannot tell you how that sentence alone puts an even bigger knot in my stomach.  Single parenting -- that's a whole different post!